Last week I introduced you to Joe D’Amico, a Chicago man who was training for the Los Angeles Marathon by eating only McDonald’s during the 30 days leading up to the race. And sure, he ate from the healthy menu like a woman, but he stuck to his guns and he completed the marathon. Or at least I assume he did, because nobody cares about him anymore, thanks to 400-pound Kelly Gneiting.

Gneiting (pronounced Neat-ing, I pray) is a professional sumo wrestler and he broke his previous Guinness World Record for being the fattest largest man to finish a marathon, at 6-feet tall and just inside 4 bills*. In 2008, Gneiting crossed the finish line at the LA Marathon in just under 12 hours. This time he did it in just under 10 hours, or what I like to call bedroom time. What, I sleep a lot.

“I honestly think I’m one of the best athletes in the world,” Gneiting told the Los Angeles Times last week before the race.

Gneiting’s athletic aspirations don’t stop at running the marathon – he’s only just getting started on his bucket list.

He’d also like to swim the English Channel, win a spot in the NFL playing for the Philadelphia Eagles and hike from the Dead Sea to Mt. Everest. (Via LA Times)

Keep in mind, that’s not a bucket list in the sense of the book/movie. It’s a list of things he wrote on the side of a KFC bucket. Included on that list? Buy more KFC buckets.

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With the recent announcement that Apple would be developing a 7-inch version of the iPad, I couldn’t help but wonder two things:1) Isn’t that just an iPhone? And B) What’s going to happen to all of the current 10-inch iPads currently selling like hot cakes? Well, it turns out the answers are simple: yes and fat people phones. The governing body of Japan’s sumo association will issue iPads to the wrestlers to use as phones because their fingers are too large to use standard cellular phones. Cellular phone? More like CELLULITE phone! *bowtie spins, kimono blows open*

Turns out the pleasingly plump grapplers have been missing important information about matches because some of their “stables” don’t have readily available Internet, fax or telephone access. This is Japan we’re talking about, right? Thankfully the iPad can also keep a steady flow of tentacle porn downloads, too.

You have dishonored my family and country, Globe and Mail:

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