Here’s Everything You Need To Know About Michael Phelps’ Girlfriend Megan Rossee

Written by Ashley Burns / 08.07.12

I apologize for not keeping proper tabs on the WAGS of the Olympics, as I’ve been too busy sulking over the fact that my Russian long jumper girlfriend Darya Klishina is not competing in London. But the above photo surfaced with some others the other day of that young lady sneaking out of a club with some U.S. swimmers and my natural instinct was BOING. Wait no, I mean, “Who is that ravishing woman?”

Well it didn’t take long for the Internet to figure out – but we’re the perverts, you see – that the woman in question is 21-year old model Megan Rossee, who is apparently Michael Phelps’ main squeeze. It was hard to figure it out, too, because it’s not like she spends all day Tweeting at Phelps and calling him cute nicknames like “Bear”. Oh wait, she totally does that. Anywho, the two met at a night club in Las Vegas, which is where all true love begins, so we wish Phelps and Rossee nothing but the best of luck in all of their Subway avocado goop dreams.

After the jump, introduce yourself to Megan Rossee as she stands on the horizon of stardom.

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This Week In YouTube Commenter Outrage: Ragu’s Hilarious Olympic Ad

Written by Ashley Burns / 08.06.12

Despite the love affair with hating NBC for its delayed coverage and contempt for its stupid viewers, the 2012 Summer Olympics have had some amazing moments. Obviously, Gabby Douglas, Michael Phelps, Oscar Pistorious, Missy Franklin, and many others have had remarkable performances, and of course there were the pooping divers and Retta’s awesome Twitter analysis. But generating some serious buzz over the weekend was a commercial for Ragu that has absolutely nothing to do with the Summer Games, other than it aired during NBC’s coverage.

In the commercial, a young boy has a book or something that he wants to share with his parents, so he just barges into their bedroom and catches them having sex. So does he fall into a black hole of trauma and psychotic outrage that will scar him for the rest of his life? No way, Jose. His parents make it up to him with a big, heaping plate of Ragu spaghetti. I’ve been told that pasta sauce is just as effective as heroin in hiding decades of mental anguish.

Ultimately, the commercial (after the jump) is quite funny, the kind of outlandish spot you’d expect during the Super Bowl. So this begs the important question – what do the oracles of YouTube commenting have to say about it? Is it great? The greatest? Better than Nike’s “Find Your Greatness”? Or is it the worst thing that has ever been aired on TV? Let’s explore.

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NBC’s Best Olympic Analyst… How About Donna From ‘Parks & Rec’?

Written by Ashley Burns / 08.06.12

NBC has received a metric ton of crap and hell for the network’s 2012 Summer Olympics coverage, and we haven’t really touched on that too much, because it’s like picking on the fat kid in dodgeball (writes the former fat kid in dodgeball). NBC has become the television equivalent of that 30-something bro who goes back to his frat’s formal every year because “It’s f*cking epic, dude!” and because he can’t move on from the glory days and try to lead a better life. Hence, the network, desperate to find success in the sitcom market, has chosen to destroy the current Thursday night lineup up 30 Rock, Parks & Rec, and Community that we obviously love so much, in favor of… Guys with Kids. Woo.

But I’ll leave the TV bashing to our weird stepbrothers over at Warming Glow. As for the Olympics, I’ve been just as frustrated as the rest of the blogosphere, because I’m a social media brat and NBC is my conservative grandfather. Basically, the network chose to ignore that every event was being aired live all over the planet, but executives felt Americans are too stupid to follow in real time, so they’ve repackaged events that already happened – and were already spoiled on Twitter – to make it seem like they were better and more dramatic than they actually were.

Alas, in a sea of NBC’s wretched filth, I have found the network’s shining Olympic star. No, it’s not the excellent Michelle Beadle. It’s Retta, who plays Donna on Parks & Rec.

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She’s Ganna Make It, She’s Ganna Make It, She … Didn’t Make it

Written by Brandon Stroud / 08.06.12

The best part of this video is that she doesn’t even fail the way you’re expecting to. Just pure, athletic sadness. (via Sweater Punch)

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People Think Team USA Picked On Nigeria

Written by Ashley Burns / 08.03.12

Make no mistake about it, Team USA handled the Nigerian Men’s Basketball team with humiliating authority yesterday, as Carmelo Anthony set a new team record with 37 points, and the entire team set world records with 156 points and 29 3-pointers. Nigeria? 73 points. It was an 83-point thrashing for the ages, and a game that will certainly spark a few morons to write: “Yeah, but what would the 1992 Dream Team have scored against this Nigerian team?”

But in this era of good sportsmanship and “Hey, everybody have fun out there”, it wouldn’t have made for a good enough story unless some reporter accused Team USA of running up the scoreboard. I don’t actually know which reporter asked the golden question, so I’ll assume his name is Boris Commiedick and he writes for the Pinko Times-Gazette. Nevertheless, Coach Mike Krzyzewski didn’t take too kindly to being called a showboat.

We didn’t play LeBron [James] and Kobe [Bryant] in the second half, and with Carmelo shooting like that, we benched him,” Krzyzewski said. “We didn’t take any fast breaks in the fourth quarter, and we played all zone. You have to take a shot every 24 seconds, and the shots we took happened to be hit.

“I take offense to this question because there’s no way in the world that our program in the United States sets out to humiliate anyone.”

Krzyzewski nodded toward Nigeria coach Ayodele Bakare and decided to speak for him too. “Coach would think it humiliating if we didn’t play hard.” (Via Yahoo!’s Adrian Wojnarowski to round out the names I hate spelling)

*unfolds American flag, clips it to rope, raises it up a pole, puts on glasses, stands on top of Mount Rushmore, lights a Roman candle*

Yo, rest of the world, listen up. I think I speak for the majority of American basketball fans when I say if you don’t like us paying back Shehu Shagari for his 419 scams by mopping the floor with Team Nigeria, then y’all need to get together and create a super team that can stop us. And that probably won’t even work. You’d need Voltron, a couple Thundercats, and probably some really hot stripper cheerleaders to distract our players. And even then you’ll probably lose by 30. So suck it, rest of the world. Suck it hard.

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Don’t Ever Grow Up, Internet: The Very Best Olympic Pooping Diver Photoshops

Written by Ashley Burns / 08.02.12

Yesterday, the above picture popped up on this Reddit thread (or possibly here first, according to Internet police) with a series of other divers photoshopped on the toilet, and quite frankly I’ve never been so proud of the Internet. So I went in search of more diver photoshops, hoping that I would find a golden treasury – perhaps even some holy divers *air guitars* – and what I actually found was an endless obsession with English diver Tom Daley. Even worse, millions of women keep telling me that I look just like Daley, and I’m flattered, but I’m definitely more handsome.

Despite the lack of an infinite amount of pooping diver photoshops, I was mildly impressed with the results of an hour-long Tumblr search, based on the numerous posts on various sites about *taps mic* did you ever notice how Olympic divers make the funniest faces? Then I saw what the fine folks in the Reddit photoshop battles thread were doing with it and I felt much better. Check out their efforts after the dump, er, jump, and if you can beat these, post your best effort in the comments and you might get a free With Leather t-shirt.

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