Remember how inspiring Oscar Pistorius was? Just keep focusing on that.

The 2012 Paralympic Games are 6 days away and it’s safe to say that Oscar Pistorius served as just a sampling of the incredible inspiration that everyone can feel from the fearless athletes who compete in each of the 21 sports featured at this year’s games. Pistorius, of course, will soon be the first ever disabled person to compete in both the Olympics and the Paralympics, and nobody can take that away from him with stupid arguments about any advantages his “bionic” legs may give him.

That’s why this next bit of news sucks.

Three members of the Jordanian Paralympic team accused of sex offences at a pre-Games training camp in Northern Ireland have been withdrawn from the event, an official said on Thursday. (Via Sport 24, H/T to Fark)

I’m going to need a sh*tload of Teamocil soon if I keep getting roped into these horrible stories about athletes that (allegedly) need to be shot into the sun.

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Exclusive ESPN coverage of Conan & Andy’s brutal beatdown of budding Olympians.

That’s the description for the following clip from ‘Conan’, featuring Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter putting all the “which Dream Team could beat which other Dream Team” debates to bed by challenging the Dream Team 2032, aka a bunch of little kids. Highlights include nap time, a game of keep-away and the natural hilarity of watching tiny, tiny babies try to shoot a basketball on a regulation hoop. Also, Conan O’Brien being surprisingly pretty good at basketball.

Full video is below, with a h/t to NESW Sports. The Orlando Magic should go ahead and look into signing some of these guys.

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Form a line, ladies.

Just like any world class Olympic athlete with limited appeal and a temporary window, swimmer Ryan Lochte is trying to make the most of his current fame and inexplicable sex symbol status by throwing his name out there for reality TV appearances. He has apparently already lobbied for a spot on Dancing with the Stars, and now it appears that ABC might have higher hopes for him as the next Bachelor.

Apparently Roberto from The Bachelorette turned down the offer to be the new Bachelor already – presumably to star on FOX’s rip-off dating show, Slut Shamer – so that would make Lochte the ideal candidate. If only some people in the industry would throw some slang our way…

“Ryan would make the perfect next ‘Bachelor’,” Amy Rosenblum, who runs media training company Media Masters, told me. “He has the ‘it’ factor. Especially after his mother’s one-night-stand comment, everyone wants to know who is the real Ryan and what would it be like to date him. Forget dancing shows — this guy should be doing dating shows, for sure.”

“Ryan would make a great Bachelor,” casting director Jimmy Floyd, from Semisweet Productions, told me. “He has it all: charm, looks and everyone in America already knows him.” (Via HuffPo)

Added another network PR person, “What is zazz? Zing! Zork! Kapowza! Call it what you want, in any language it spells mazuma in the bank!”

Lochte’s new post-swimming goal is to get into TV and film acting, which is an awesome idea, because he’s been acting like he’s friends with Michael Phelps for years. I only hope that he can match the greatest acting Olympic athlete in world history…

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As you might’ve guessed, I get my Olympics updates exclusively from Samuel L. Jackson and Taiwan’s Next Media Animation, and so far I know more than I ever expected to about MUGGAFUQQUAHS and panda bears shooting up Chinese swimmers with comically-oversized steroid needles.

Today’s offering from Carol and whoever else is a beautifully animated recap of the Olympics feud between Australia and their “former colonial masters” Great Britain. Predictably enough, Australia’s not good at the Olympics because they’re too busy catching Fosters cans with boomerangs, having sex with sheep and letting dingoes run away with their babies. But hell, I don’t want to spoil it all for you.

Check out the video below:

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16-year old U.S. gymnast McKayla Maroney is a vault boss who was supposed to destroy everyone in the world at the thing she was born to do. Unfortunately for her, things didn’t work out like that.

“I can’t blame it on anything except I screwed up,” Maroney told Dan Wetzel of Yahoo! Sports.

Though the vault champion could not hold back her tears, she sustained her professional posture.

“I’m happy to be the Olympic silver medalist,” Maroney said. “I really am.” (via Fashion And Style)

As happy as she claimed to be, the photo at the top of his post is now her legacy. Some have called her a “mean girl” for being the Most Pissed Off Person About Vaulting Ever, but some have taken a more constructive approach: cropping her out of that photo and pasting her onto images of exciting things. Enter: McKayla Is Not Impressed, my new favorite Tumblr until Burnsy updates the one about stuff coming out of Miley Cyrus’ vagina.

Here are a few of our favorites, with a generous hat tip to Jen Haley.

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Carmelo Anthony has single-handedly destroyed entire nations during the 2012 Summer Olympics, so it should come as no surprise that some countries would love to run up and punch him in the dick. That dream was made flesh during Team USA’s final group game against Argentina.

During the final seconds of the third-quarter — and the U.S. holding a comfortable 102-76 lead over their rivals— little Facundo Campazzo hit Anthony between the legs as the All-Pro forward drained a three-point shot.

Campazzo— who is the backup to the Knicks newly signed free agent Pablo Prigioni— claims that he did not intentionally hit Anthony.

After the game, Campazzo accused U.S. point guard Chris Paul of punching him in the first half. (via The Other Paper)

Ah, the old “I didn’t do it, but he started it” defense. The best part is the side story about Kobe Bryant getting mad at yelling at Campazzo in Spanish, causing the guy to apologize TO KOBE but not Melo. That’s just the way it goes, I guess. Here’s the clip, if you want to see the “confusion” of a guy purposefully punching somebody in the junk and telling us we imagined it.

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