Allow me to introduce you to FACEKINI, the bikini you wear on your face. No, I didn’t just throw up a pro wrestling photo and pretend it was beach fashion.

Getting a tan at the beach is a sign of beauty for non-bloggers across the western world, but in places like China, people do everything they can to avoid getting burned. Having dark skin means you’re working outside all day, so if you’ve got light skin it means you’re got a higher social status, and, according to a report from NBC’s Behind The Wall, “the fairer you are, the wealthier or more respected you seem”. Because of this, wearing a goddamn luchador mask at the beach has become a thing.

But hey, don’t worry, it’s not all about weird class issues. Some people are wearing Facekinis to avoid being killed by sharks!

“These have been extremely popular,” Zaizaibao, an online seller from Henan on shopping Internet site taobao.com, said.

Another online store sold 542 masks, which come in different colors and patterns, in just 30 days. “We are already out of the pink ones…. All of them sell well. Orange is the most effective in protecting people from sea creatures.”

The report includes a funny aside about government officials being concerned that the masks could be worn during bank robberies, because I guess this is the first time China has ever had masks.

As an American with pale skin I worry less about my position in China’s caste system or whether or not jellyfish is gonna try to sting me in my face, and more about what the worldwide popularity of Facekini could do to our domestic cheesecake bikini photoshoots. Seriously, look at what a Facekini does to Kate Upton:

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The Usain Bolt documentary The Fastest is set to be released in 2012, but thanks to a clip posted on Runnerspace.com we’ve already learned three important things:

1. Usain Bolt has the most fun looking training regimen of all time and it isn’t much different from mine, except that mine involves floaties.

2. Usain Bolt’s coach is hilarious, and gets funnier and funnier the longer you listen to him talk.

3. “Runnerspace.com” makes me want to shrink a bunch of marathon guys and have them pilot a spaceship into my body.

… but numbers one and two are the most important. Listening to the guy go OH MY GAD IT’S USAIN BOLT CAN YOU SAY MORE KETCHUP, HE IS SO FAST, OH CHRIST is the best, and I’ve gone back and watched it a couple of times, both to laugh and to commit his commentary to memory, should I need motivation the next time I’m marathonning it at the bottom of my swimming pool. The longer he goes, the closer he gets to being Jessie Eisenberg in Adventureland calling the amusement park horse race. And Usain Bolt’s out of the gate, taking an early lead! But look out! Here comes Green, issuing a challenge from the outside lane. Green runs well on a muddy track, folks, so today’s conditions give him a slight edge.

If this documentary turns out to be an hour and a half of Bolt doing handstands in a pool and two minutes of him murdering white people at running, I’ll buy a ticket. I’d like to think his speed has nothing to do with training, and he could just sit and play Madden all year and still destroy my entire country at his sport. This video proves that even when he’s underwater he’s faster than me, but then again I’ve always been a mustard kind of guy.