The Miami Dolphins are 0-5. In no sport is that a good way to start a season, especially in the NFL, where teams don’t have the luxury of needlessly long seasons like the NBA and MLB. So it goes without saying that as the New England Patriots have once again established themselves as the standard in the AFC East, and the Buffalo Bills have proven that a franchise can climb out of a dumpster, Dolphins fans are pretty pissed off. Enter: The “Suck for Luck” faithful.

Very few people believe that Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck isn’t one of the most enticing arms in NFL draft history. By nearly every expert account, Luck is a sure fire NFL franchise QB – the next John Elway, Peyton Manning, and especially Dan Marino. That said, you’ll have to forgive Miami fans if they’re just a little intrigued by the idea of adding someone like that.

Too bad Karlos Dansby couldn’t give a damn, bro.

“It’s not right, bro. It’s not right,” Dansby said. “We put too much into this, man, to have the fans say that – period, point blank — or even promote that campaign. It’s kind of sad.”

“It pisses me off,” he said. “I don’t understand nothing about that. I put too many hours into this, man, put too many years into this, sacrificed too much to ask somebody to put that stipulation on me and my teammates. Because I know how much we put into this.”

“Man, we got 11 games. What are you talking about?” Dansby said. “We can’t look at next season. We’ve got 11 games. We can win ‘em out, and then what? Then you’d be biting your tongue. Those guys that are saying that are fair-weather fans. They’re not real Dolphins fans.”

(Via the Sun-Sentinel)

Win ‘em out? OK, if the Dolphins win their next 11 games, I will legally change my name to “Karlos Dansby’s Bitch.” Dolphins coach Tony Sparano also chimed in on the “campaign.”

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We’re finally starting to see a bit of separation in the rankings, at least now that Kansas City realized that it can still defeat the really crappy teams and the Minnesota Vikings remembered that they just paid Adrian Peterson a gajillion dollars to lean on him for the next few years. Unfortunately, the Indianapolis Colts don’t even care if they’re not fooling anyone at this point. Hell, even the Colts’ owner, Jim Irsay, isn’t keeping his desire to draft Andrew Luck a secret anymore.

But the Colts still have some tough competition, as the Miami Dolphins and St. Louis Rams both had bye weeks and therefore remained winless, so the quest for the golden arm and Lucky charm (*throws football at own groin*) is still a hot one. It gets even more exciting now, as other teams are dropping into the mix thanks to cupcake wins by the equally hapless Chiefs and Vikings. Oh what a time to be alive, friends. Let’s point and laugh at the losers!

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Four teams are still winless. Three of them seemingly don’t need quarterbacks. One team is starving for a franchise QB. And while one 0-4 team can’t seemingly keep losing with such a talented young offense, and another can’t keep losing because it has the best running back in the NFL, the other two seem poised for a collision course of suck for the remainder of this season. It should be quite exciting.

As a reminder, these rankings are in reverse order and are based on the theory that Stanford QB Andrew Luck will be the first pick of the 2012 NFL Draft, even though he’s a junior and may not even declare. There are clearly many teams that don’t need a QB, so they’re not going to be ranked toward the top of this list, especially if they win games. I only mention this because one of my friends actually complained to me on Friday that I ranked the Philadelphia Eagles too low because “they’re better than their record.” Settle down, this is just for fun. Also, they’re not.

What’s that you say? Enough with my imaginary friends and on with the Suck For Luck Power(less) Rankings? Your wish is Chad Henne’s worthless injured shoulder my command.

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After last week’s inaugural “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, Matt from Warming Glow was upset that I didn’t include a Seattle Seahawks logo on the banner image, and I thought that I should explain the exclusion since he can beat me up. You see, as I’ve stated previously, this is by no means a scientific method. In fact, it’s pretty simple to point out that the Miami Dolphins and Indianapolis Colts are going to be sucktastic on legendary levels this season and the Green Bay Packers are going to be really good.

But it takes a lot of extra thought to sort through those teams that are teetering on the edge of “holy sh*t they’re awful” and “it sucks that they’re going to win a few games.” Obviously, Seattle is not a good team, so the Seahawks very well could end up making Andrew Luck their No. 1 pick next year. The problem is, though, that they play in the NFC West and are bound to win 4 or 5 games just because of the terrible competition, as we witnessed yesterday.

So I offer my apologies to anyone who felt slighted about their sorry ass team’s ranking, but if these rankings offer us anything, it’s the blinding reality that the Dolphins will somehow screw themselves.

On to the suck!

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Sorry, I should have mentioned this one is a visual game.

My buddy brought this to my attention late last night as I was writing my review of the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen for our mother site, Uproxx, so I don’t know if this is a common knowledge thing since the last time I pulled up a NHL player’s profile it was practice making out with a picture of Manon Rheaume. But I thought it was pretty funny. Well played, Yahoo!.

So how about some links?

Yup, That’s A Burn: The Very Best Jokes From Comedy Central’s Celebrity
Roasts |UPROXX|

Best and Worst of the 2011 Emmys |Warming Glow|

Get Your Very Own Ol’ Dirty Bastard Food Stamp Card |Smoking Section|

Kenny F’n Powers Will Use The Force All Up In This B |Gamma Squad|

James Franco to Direct Cormac McCarthy Necrophilia Story |Film Drunk|

The Best And Worst Of WWE Night Of Champions 2011 |With Leather|

The Best of #Troy Barnes |UPROXX|

Minimal Movie Posters Are All The Rage These Days |UPROXX|

Reports of Gordon Ramsay’s Porn Dwarf Being Eaten by Badgers Have Been
Greatly Exaggerated |Film Drunk|

Many Television Stars Are Attractive |Warming Glow|

“Suck For Luck” NFL Power Rankings: Week 2 |With Leather|

Own A Handcrafted ED-E From ‘Fallout: New Vegas’ |Gamma Squad|

Casey Veggies Feat. Feat. C-San, Dom Kennedy & Kendrick Lamar – “Ridin’
Roun Town (Remix)” |Smoking Section|

10 Things Apple Is Worth More Than |Buzzfeed|

The long awaited “National Lampoon Canadian Vacation” starring Randy
Quaid and Dog the Bounty Hunter is finally underway |FARK|

Evangeline Lilly Worried She’ll be a ‘Black Mark’ in ‘The Hobbit’ |Moviefone|

The 10 Least Promising Shows for Fall |AOL
TV|

9 Best Web Contents of the Week |Adult Swim|

7 Great Franchises That Never Got a Decent Video Game |The
Smoking Jacket|

The 28 Most Dominating Emmy Winners of All Time |Pajiba|

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There’s simply too much going on after two weeks of NFL action to limit my thoughts to just a few things, especially since I watch every single game with the focus of a drunken toddler. And since I’m also a self-loathing Miami Dolphins fan, I’m quickly turning my attention more to next year’s ultimate prize – screw the Super Bowl – Andrew Luck.

So welcome to the first installment of the “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, where we’ll be monitoring the crappier teams and their hopeless freefalls toward the No. 1 draft pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. A few notes before we begin:

1) The rankings in no way indicate actual draft orders, as they’re just my week-to-week opinions. They also do not represent teams that necessarily need a QB, so don’t argue that certain teams wouldn’t draft Luck. Even if a team with a QB winds up with that top pick, they’ll still trade it for a desperate team’s entire draft.

B) Please remember that all power rankings are just, in fact, opinion and in no way represent actual standings or any kind of impact on the actual game.

III) This is mostly just a way for us fans of lousy teams to fend off sports depression and suicide threats. Damn you, 7-day waiting periods.

Now on with the fun…

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