I will probably never do a Sports On TV column for the Disney Channel hit ‘Jessie.’ Not that I wouldn’t cover a kid’s show — I’ve already done SOTV entries for ‘Arthur’ and ‘Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers’ after all — but I lost track of what was going on on the Disney Channel when the Suite Life kids started living on a boat. I mean, uh, when I was 8-years old.

If a ‘Jessie’ SOTV does happen, page one will have to feature this Emmy Award-quality guest spot from Chris Bosh, set to air on Friday. Read this carefully, so you don’t lose track of the ‘Downton Abbey’-esque plot:

Chris Bosh is set to guest star in Disney’s Jessie episode titled, “Say Yes to the Messy Dress.” Among other things, we learn that Bosh’s aptitude on the court comes can be attributed to (at least in part) a putrid pair of lucky socks. The episode airs January 18, 2013 on Disney Channel. (via SLAM Online)

I’ve included a few clips below. Chris Bosh acting against a bunch of children. WHO YA GOT?

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Proving once again that the Denver Broncos should have kept Tim Tebow instead of signing Peyton Manning, controversy is brewing in a Colorado town over kids wearing Manning’s bright orange No. 18 jersey to school. Officials from the Weld County School System are receiving criticism for their decision to ban Manning’s replica jersey from the halls of schools in cities like Greeley, because the No. 18 is affiliated with local gangs.

God help my collection of hilarious personalized jerseys if the Crips ever use the number 69.

A spokesperson for Weld County District 6 explained the policy has been around for more than three years and applies to the numbers 13, 14, 18, 31, 41 and 81.

“We’re Broncos fans ourselves; it has nothing to do with that. We’re just wanting to set a consistent solid, example,” said district spokesperson Roger Fiedler. (Via Fox News)

I tried to do some research and figure out why these particular numbers were so dangerous, because if Dan Brown has taught me anything, it’s that symbols are everywhere, man. So when I Googled “18” like I assume all numerologists would do when investigating something, I was very surprised at what I found…

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There is apparently crying in tennis. And lawsuits.

As the war against the “Pussification of America” rages on, it’s comforting to see that other countries are also dealing with their share of coddling parents and frivolous lawsuits. Take Australia, for instance, as the home of koalas and Paul Hogan is also now the home of one young girl with a bruised eye, after she was hit in the face with a tennis ball during her tennis lessons at her private school in Queensland.

And as if that sentence didn’t already tell you where this is going, the parents of the wounded girl are of course suing the hell out of everyone.

The claim alleges Julia had hit classmate Finley Enright-Burns in the eye with a tennis ball during a tennis lesson at the Mudgeeraba school last October. It alleges Julia was “smashing” balls back to Finley on the baseline when the incident happened.

Finley did not go to hospital but is alleged to have suffered an eye injury which needed medical treatment.

The claim, filed on behalf of Finley by her architect father Paul Burns, also names Somerset College and its Jay Deacon’s Tennis School as defendants.

“It’s bizarre … beyond belief,” Dr Wright-Smith told The Courier-Mail yesterday. (Via The Courier-Mail, H/T to Fark)

My initial response to this story was: “Screw these people, I hope the judge throws the case out and shouts, ‘I’m sorry your kid sucks at tennis!;” But that’s never going to happen, because lawyers will find a way to drag this thing out and milk the school for every penny, while the girl with the eye that will heal mumbles to herself, “I f*cking hate tennis, why did you even make me play it?” which sucks for the kids at her school who actually like playing tennis, because now the school will have to pay more insurance and eliminate tennis as a result.

Soon enough, kids won’t even be able to play Trivial Pursuit in school, because they could get a paper cut from those dangerous cards. Eventually, your kid’s school is just going to look like this…

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This video is The Internet in real life.

Think about it. It’s Sunday night and the New England Patriots have just lost the Super Bowl. Because you’re a Guy On The Internet, you think it’s an awesome idea to find a place with a bunch of Pats fans and troll them. In real life, that’d involve you putting on a Victor Cruz jersey, going to the UMass campus and giving everybody the finger while you salsa dance.

And, just like on the Internet, people get upset. You get threatened, and eventually somebody sucker punches you. You get dragged away (banned, whatever), the whole thing is recorded and spread around and a guy dressed like a banana is there for some reason. If you added Brazzers ads and a super loud thing telling me I’ve won a free iPad, that’s the f**king Internet, right?

The moral of the story is this: don’t be that guy on the Internet, whether you’re on the Internet or not. Better yet, don’t be the drunk Masshole who yells RRRRIOTTT when a riot might almost be happening.

[h/t Sportress by way of SportsGrid]

This lady won.

There’s been a very unexpected yet quite spectacular trend brewing in Major League Baseball this season – foul ball thievery. At least that’s how we have come to describe that once-in-a-lifetime moment when two people collide to retrieve their rawhide souvenir at a baseball game and only one comes out a winner. We break them down, not only the moments, but the people as well, and in every case there’s a victim and a villain. Almost every time, that victim is an innocent child and that villain is a scumbag adult. But I’ve become quite fascinated with this phenomenon and I figured we could take some time today to break down the dynamics in choosing sides.

I think there are some adults getting a bad rap, and in the pre-YouTube days that didn’t mean squat. But now we have the ability to forever decry and humiliate our so-called villains. We can watch them again and again, point our fingers – especially the middle ones – and make them taste the agony of our cyber shame. I say, stand down, heroes. Let’s take a few moments – and video clips from this and previous MLB, NFL and other sports seasons – and put ourselves in their shoes just this once. Let us be the judges, juries, and executioners right here, at this very moment in Blogdome. Because what the hell else are we going to do?

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This video is what’s wrong with our country.  As you can see, American youths still display a certain sort of destructive ingenuity, as they dip tennis balls in lighter fluid, light them on fire, then proceed to play tennis with flaming tennis balls.  Unfortunately, they go about it like a bunch of pussies, gently lobbing fireballs in lazy arcs to each other.  F that, man.  If we’d played fire tennis as kids, you can bet we would have been hitting the balls as hard as we could directly at each other.  Just like Roman candle tag.

Another thing wrong with this video: rap metal.  Prepare yourself for BOOM! and cutting your life into pieces and ticking before more BOOMs, or whatever it is those disenfranchised suburban kids use to connect with their alienation.

[UniqueDaily]