"I'm here for the gangbang, eh?"

If you thought the SEC was just a dominant force in college football and something that lets wealthy people get away with ripping off the rest of us, then you’ve never heard of the University of Toronto’s Sexual Education Centre, which has just become my favorite SEC on this planet. Why? Because it is hosting what is essentially one giant open invitation for an orgy for UT students next Monday.

Damn, Canada. Why you gotta be so cool?

The University of Toronto Sexual Education Centre (SEC) is kicking off its annual Sexual Awareness Week next Monday at Oasis Aqua Lounge, a downtown club that bills itself as a water-themed adult playground, where swingers are welcome and sex is allowed everywhere but the hot tub.

“U of T is holding an orgy, and you’re invited! You just need your student ID” one Reddit user posted in a University of Waterloo forum. (Via the Toronto Star)

The group’s “mission” is apparently to “foster a sex-positive attitude in the greater U of T area”, but this just sounds like one of the most diabolical plots for a student government official to get his freak on. Hey, I’m not judging anyone. Lord knows it’s better than the old begging-until-I-cry trick that used to work for me 2% of the time.

But before you go booking your tickets to Toronto for this insane orgy, please know that it’s not an orgy. Right, winking giraffe?

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The immediate future, I guess.

If you wanted to feel really f**king super old today, this year’s college freshmen were born in 1994. This is a drag, especially for freshman-level college professors who accidentally say “Pulp Fiction” in class and get stared at until they mention it’s what Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam were parodying in Space Jam. Then you have to explain what Elmer Fudd, Space Jam, movies, parodies and references are. (Tip: they’re the thing from Family Guy.)

The Beloit College Mindset List helps combat that by putting out a yearly list for college professors, reminding them via nonscientific study that kids born in 1994 “see the world in a different way”. If you’re wondering what this has to do with sports, one of the notes mentioned is that kids grew up in the 1990s having no idea that L.A. had a football team (much less two of them) or that Cal Ripken wasn’t just given the consecutive games record by default.

From CF News 13:

Remember when suitcases had to be carried instead of rolled? Or when an airline ticket was a booklet of pages separated by carbon paper? Maybe you remember when Lou Gehrig held the Major League record for consecutive baseball games played.

This year’s college freshmen don’t.

They never lived in a world where Kurt Cobain was alive or an NFL team played its home games in Los Angeles. The Class of 2016 has no need for radios, watches television everywhere except on actual TV sets, and is addicted to “electronic narcotics.”

The article goes on to say kids think ‘The Twilight Zone’ is about vampires and quickly includes a quote from an 18-year old saying “no we don’t”, so remember that this is intended to remind teachers how ignorant their kids are gonna be and is in no way accurate. I mean, hell, I know Cleveland had an NHL team even if they merged with the North Stars two years before I was born and like 27 years before I moved to Ohio.

For anyone reading this who sincerely doesn’t remember the Los Angeles Rams, watch this video. Never forget.

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Because nobody learned from UGA’s ‘The Dawgs Are Comin’ For You’, here’s a bunch of Texas A&M’s least coordinated white people doing choreographed dances to a hip-hop anthem about campus locations and semi-national burrito chains in Lawrence Knox’s ‘Aggie Swag’.

College kids, please write this down: No matter how many LMFAO videos you’ve seen you aren’t as good at rapping as your girlfriend flattered you into believing, so if you go to Virginia Tech and get an awesome idea to rap about Burruss Hall over a Kottonmouth Kings instrumental and call it “Bong Hokies”, don’t do it. The 15,000-ish YouTube hits you’ll get down outweigh the shame of bringing your Hot Chelle Rae “swagger” to the masses.

I’ve got to be honest, I was hoping there’d be a ‘California Love’ part at the end where he asks the various trade schools at the college if they’re in the house. “Agricultural, agricultural always up to no good. MECHANICAL, MECHANICAL WHERE YOU AT.”

[h/t Kegs 'N Eggs]

In a story that is hopefully already in the process of becoming a Kissing Suzy Kolber skit, New England Patriots tight end, pitch man, folk hero and porn star gronker Rob Gronkowski attended a scheduled public speaking event at the University of Rhode Island and was asked probably the most learned thing a college kid in Rhode Island could ask Rob Gronkowski: “Marry, Eff, Kill: Rex Ryan, Tim Tebow, Betty White?”

Jets head coach Rex Ryan is a pretty obvious “kill” here, because 1) he’s Rex Ryan, 2) Tim Tebow wouldn’t be negatively affected by death because he’s set with The Lord, and 3) Betty White is about to die anyway. Assumedly you’d want to “marry” Betty, because she’s a rich old humanitarian who has managed to remain lovable despite the Internet’s attempts to ruin her, so that leaves Tim Tebow as your “eff”.

So how would that work, exactly? Gronkowski explains:

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Links

The 15 Most Absurd Lyrics from Lil Wayne’s Tha Carter IV - My favorite link of the day. I love it when we can take a step back and say “wait a minute, ‘hey fat fellow with the hair colored yellow’ is a terrible song lyric, why do I like this song?” Bar-tennen an shreppin babeh! [Smoking Section]

Football Guys - Mr. Jon Bois picks up our Deadspin feature from years ago and does something productive (arguably) with it. I am absolutely going to write one of these soon, per the terms of our licensing deal. Also included in the deal: I get Jon’s Sega Genesis. [SBN]

This Week in Movie Posters: Sean Astin Is Doin Great - I wanted to write that there is no movie in the world I’d like to see less than Three Musketeers, but then I got to the Puss In Boots 3D poster. Buzz, your Every Movie Being Released … woof. [Film Drunk]

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 8/29 - Included here to make sure you read it before The Best And Worst of WWE Super Smackdown Live goes up a little later. Beth Phoenix in a corset top is in the header, so at least click the link and see what that’s about. [With Leather]

Costco Sells 14 Pounds of Guy Fieri’s Meat - I don’t think Guy Fieri has a single bodypart that weighs less than 14 pounds, and that includes his sunglasses. He’s probably the pleeb leaving me “you like vegan cookies ew gross” comments. [Warming Glow]

That $25 Computer Can Run Quake III - This seems impressive at first, but yeah, even calculators these days come loaded up with Angry Birds. My picture frame can play Excitebike, who cares? [Gamma Squad]

Iron Maiden Frontman Flying People Stranded by Irene Out of NYC - with SINISTER MOTIVES, no doubt. If the guy from Iron Maiden called me up and offered me a plane ticket, my first 300 questions would be “why are you calling me”. [UPROXX]

HIV Case Shuts Down Porn Industry - In a related story, does anybody personally know Allie Sin? If porno is gonna have a lockout, I uh, want to hire her as my housekeeper. [Film Drunk]

The 12 Most Annoying Types of College Students - #13, “all college students”. I hated college students when I was in college. [Buzzfeed]

Great Bands That Overcame Crappy Debut Albums - Even more impressive is Incubus, who have survived despite releasing seven crappy albums. [FARK]

10 Professions Tim Tebow Should Consider Instead of Football - Tim Tebow is going to end up running for President one day, isn’t he? There you go, calling it right now. President Tebow is going to happen, and OH MAN are the abortion jokes going to be non-stop. The Smoking Jacket]

Daryl Hannah Got Arrested at the White House - Obama should’ve slammed her face into the toilet and squished her eyeball with his foot. [Moviefone]

5 DC Comics Characters That Would Be Awesome on the Small Screen - As dorky as I am, part of me wants comic book people to spend the next 20 years making comic books good again so when we make movies and TV shows about them they don’t have to be terrible. Like, imagine how good Captain America would’ve been if Cap had been cool since like 1986? [AOL TV]

Hey! It’ that Woman from that Show! You Know the One. Her. Yeah! Her! - Did you know that actresses often appear in more than one thing? I didn’t, so this was especially eye-opening to me. [Pajiba]

Meet the Girl Who Only Cosplays Zelda Characters - Or, “get excited about this girl who probably wouldn’t be cute if I didn’t want to put it in Saria so bad”. Tell her to dress like Ganon and we’ll talk. [Pajiba]

A German university is undertaking a research project that will have 20 undergraduates screaming “Ich bin ein Spartacus!” The University of Regensburg, operating under a private grant, will oversee 20 students living and training as Roman gladiators, which sounds both totally awesome and a little bit gay.

The student warriors, who are all studying various disciplines at the university, won’t be eating pizza, hamburgers or steaks during their training. Instead they’ll have berries and white beans on their plates as the ancient Roman doctor Galen recommended in his texts.

They will also learn to fight wearing bronze helmets that weigh almost five kilogrammes [~ 11 pounds] at a camp that won’t allow girlfriends, showers, or washing machines. [The] gladiators are already training together four days a week.–The Local.

I’m all in favor for anything that potentially injures Germans. Oh, and the grant? It’s about $26,000 US. That’s a lot of dimp for dressing up in skirts and hitting each other with swords. It sounds like some kind of gay prom, but with more blacksmithing.