No, seriously, meet FLiZ. MEET IT.

Ever wish you could do less riding and more running on your daily bicycle commute? Neither have we. But that seems to be the idea behind the German-designed FLIZ, a new concept velocipede that nixes the pedaling and suspends its rider runner from a harness. (via The Atlantic)

If you haven’t said “haha what the shit it is” out-loud yet, let me help you by asking you to remember that episode of ‘South Park’ where Mr. Garrison creates a giant wheel you drive by fellating a knob and letting it f**k you in the ass for a quick compare/contrast.

I guess the basic idea was to create a scooter apparatus to take your body weight out of the running motion. That’d be easier on your knees and maybe allow you to run farther and faster without getting tired. The rub here is that to scooter-run you’d have to remove the scooter from your feet area, and also apparently crush your ribcage in the process. The best part is that the guy isn’t wearing a helmet. If that thing hit a rock and flipped you over, it’s pretty much designed to DDT you to death.

Ugh, look at the still photos of this thing. It looks like the Cloverfield monster:

Read the rest of this entry »

While most of the country is honoring World AIDS Day or the 55th anniversary of Rosa Parks’ refusal to give up her seat on a Montgomery bus, I’ve been looking at stories about boners and hair plugs. My parents are seriously proud. But poor old Tom Brady was back in the tabloids yesterday, as on the same day that it was announced that he would be the new face and product consultant for the men’s line of UGG – those terrible oversized boots that girls seem to think are necessary in Florida – the National Enquirer has “reported” that the New England Patriots quarterback has recently been tracked to a hair transplant specialist in Rhode Island. Ah scenic Rhode Island, the Ocean Hair Plug State.

According to the NY Daily News, the Enquirer’s “reporters” discovered that Brady has been visiting Dr. Robert Leonard at the request of his wife, Gisele Bundchen, to keep his alleged bald spot from affecting their beautiful couple image. Leonard apparently made some remarks to the Boston Herald about Brady’s bald pattern two years ago, and the Daily News even gave an advertorial received an expert opinion from a local doctor:

Dr. Robert Bernstein restored Bob’s hair [Bob is an unnamed person who gives an almighty testimonial to Bernstein’s work, hooray validation! – Ed.]. The doc’s customers swear only their hairdressers know for sure they had it done.

Asked how Brady might fare, Bernstein said that judging by recent photos, it appears “he has good growth” and enough hair for a successful transplant.

There you have it. While some of us may be waiting patiently to watch what should be the Monday Night Football game of the year, as the Patriots play the New York Jets, the New York and national gossip media are taking care of the matter at hand – Brady’s stupid haircut. Who cares if Brady has a bald spot? A lot of people look good bald – Matt Hasselbeck, Bruce Willis, Britney Spears. Tom should embrace nature and scoff at his critics. Besides, being bald would make him more aerodynamic and would allow him to demand penalty flags with greater precision.

Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian have been married for nearly a year now, and thankfully, they haven’t gotten on my nerves during that time. So much for that, because the two have had their pitch for a reality TV show heard, and by God, their prayers have been answered. In a completely unrelated story, the underemployment rate is sky high.

The show will chronicle shock-jock Khloe’s quest to get pregnant by her multi-million-dollar Laker husband, in addition to other gripping storylines — like furnishing her McMansion — according to reports.

E! would not confirm plans for a series. However, the network is home to all of the Kardashians’ other ventures including “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” “Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami,” and the show sister Kim produces, “The Spin Crowd.” –NYPost via –USAToday

I have so many problems with those two paragraphs, but most particularly with the use of the word gripping. Why? Because gripping implies that my eyes will be gripped to the screen, unable to turn away from Khloe waddling around her mega house bitching about the feng shui of her dog’s bathroom. I’m not saying that I watch a lot of E!, but there’s no way in hell this show can even touch Pretty Wild. I think I could have fun with those girls (link NSFW). Lamar Odom’s on TV all the time. Vernon Davis on TV is something to watch. If there’s not footy, it’s fiction, so video evidence is after the jump. (Possibly NSFW) Read the rest of this entry »

That’s what Wayne Burdick of the Schaumburg Burdicks was charged by his data provider when he tried to watch the aforementioned game on his laptop through a Slingbox. There’s an obvious joke about being able to watch a better game for that price, but we throw obvious jokes in the trunk of our car and then drive them down to the pier to watch them drown. Hey, it’s been a long day…

Anyway, I got home from our cruise, and about two weeks later I got my cell phone/wireless card bill, which is usually about $220, and it said I owe $28,067.31.

I called AT&T and told them there was either a mistake or fraud and to please take this off the bill. That’s where the fun starts. They told me that the bill was correct and somehow I was charged international rates for Internet use, and the cost is 2 cents per kb. That came out to $27,788.93.

So he writes into a troubleshooting column, blah blah blah, AT&T finally knocks that money off the bill. It’s a human story, as in a human nearly took it in the ass from AT&T. Since when did “more bars in more places” mean ONE THICK BAR RIGHT UP YOUR ASS?!?! How can there be so many phone companies out there now and we’re getting raped by ALL OF THEM. I thought capitalism still worked. At least that’s what my financial advisor at Goldman Sachs told me three months ago.

[Consumerist, via Mouthpiece Sports]

Justin Timberlake will be the next host of the ESPYs.

"I'm very excited to be hosting the 16th edition of the ESPYs. I can't wait for the day of the show as I'm truly a sports junkie," Timberlake said. "Since the last ESPYs, there have been amazing moments in sports and I'm looking forward to recapping all of them with ESPN's diehard fans."

Wow, that's pretty cool.  Not Timberlake hosting — the fact that I've been not watching the ESPYs for the last fifteen years. 

[Awful Announcing] 

Michael Vick has probably the crappiest life of any star athlete in the world right now. As if his offseason of secret-container Aquafina bottles and dogfighting allegations weren't enough fun, #7's former residence in Surry, Virginia — AKA the Doggie Thunderdome — was burglarized sometime between May 8th and May 18th.  From the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, via Busted Play:

Stolen were three plasma televisions (62", 42" and 32"), two floor buffers, a wet/dry vacuum, an upright washer and dryer and a leather sofa valued at $17,550 combined.

Oh, sure, laugh it up.  Where were the guard dogs?  Har, har.  Well, lemme tell you this: the guard dogs were euthanized, you monsters!  Killed by lethal injection in anonymous shelters!  So laugh it up all you want, you unfeeling bastards.  But the dogs are dead, and the floors are unbuffed, and the next owner of that house will have to hang laundry out to dry, which totally doesn't give your underwear that warm, fresh feeling… and now all that's left is this penetrating sadness.