Educated sportswriter opinion: The Buffalo Bills will easily beat the Bengals. That game happens tonight, right?

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When Will Disgusting Fan Treatment Of Female Sportswriters Stop? - When the female sportswriters get hotter, am I right guys? Up high! But no, seriously, Fans Of Things need to stop being such ridiculous troglodytes about everything ever. [The Postgame]

We Like To Think It Happened Like This: Delonte West Finally Got A New Job - In case you missed this on Friday, give it a read. Burnsy is funny as hell, and I’m happy he’s got an In Real Life job, because if he didn’t, he’d have mine. [With Leather]

Words Cannot Express How Much I Want A Hobbes Stuffed Animal - DESPERATELY WANTING. I agree with the sentiment of the article, too (that buying one defies Watterson’s wishes), but Jesus. [Gamma Squad]

Well Now It Makes Sense - Were you aware that the creators of “South Park” do drugs? Did that ever cross your mind? [Warming Glow]

Read Ron Swanson’s Diary From His Time In The Woods Hiding From Tammy 1 - I think what I like so much about Parks and Rec is how comfortable I feel watching it. I don’t ever have those “why am I still watching this” moments like I do with “The Office”, or those “OH GOD NO GOD NO” moments I have watching Whitney. [UPROXX]

Two Black Swan Interns Sue Studio, Misunderstand Concept of “Intern” - Maybe it’s just one intern with two personalities! [Film Drunk]

NYPD Message To Women: Keep Wearing Skirts If You Want To Get Raped - Not the kind of thing you want to click on on a Monday morning, but something you should read and see. My message to cops: try to be good cops, for once in your f**king lives. [Buzzfeed]

Anna Faris and the Sexiest Comediennes in Movies - I think allowing yourself to be called a “comedienne” is the first step to unsexiness. [Moviefone]

Melissa Gorga Clarifies: I Wasn’t a Stripper (Just a Bikini Bartender) - Sure, that’s what every girl who dances at a strip club but doesn’t want to admit it on the Internet says. [AOL TV]

Miles the Great Dane is not so great at getting out of tubs - Yes he is. He is doing a great job. [The Daily What]

The Best Face Tattoo Mug Shots (So Far) of 2011 - smdh at you, everyone but me. [Brobible]

Forgive the grainy nature of the photo — it’s courtesy of TMZ, so I’m lucky there isn’t a huge T over Sammy Sosa’s face. Anyway, in the spirit of ESPN The Magazine’s White Michael Vick I present to you White Sammy Sosa, a jokey slideshow about how a white version of slugger Sammy Sosa would party with MILFs at strip clubs and try to cram money into stripper vaginas. Wait, is this real? I thought Burnsy photo-shopped this for me. I thought Sammy was undergoing a skin treatment, why does he still look like this oh my god

This is the only context we’re given.

Retired MLB player Sammy Sosa proved he’s still a baller by partying and throwing cash into a belly dancer’s skirt at Lavo in NYC on Sunday.

The 42-year-old knows a good tip when he sees it.

He proved he’s still a baller and that he looks like he should be getting arrested by Dick Tracy. Somebody get ESPN The Magazine on the phone, real life is taking this too far.

When a legendary sportswriter like Dan Jenkins mentions strippers on his Twitter, you know something’s up, especially when he’s comparing them to 47-year old Spanish golfers:

That could’ve been a funny enough end to the story, but BBC has provided video of the warm up, and in this “pics or it didn’t happen” world it’s comforting to know that integrity still exists in the world of new media. Jenkins wasn’t kidding. Miguel Angel Jimenez looks like a stripper. A sweaty, overweight stripper who smokes while he stretches and swings two clubs. So, a stripper from Cleveland, I guess.

My advice is to watch the video twice. If you watch it the first time through with normal volume, it appears silent, and you can enjoy The Mechanic dropping it like its hot without any external stimuli. Then, turn your volume up all the way and restart the video. If you listen closely you can hear Peter Alliss providing hilarious play-by-play that makes the whole thing seem like one of those old Popeye cartoons where Bluto is walking angrily and pushing up his sleeves and trash-talking without moving his mouth.

[h/t Dogs That Chase Cars]

In news that would make Pacman Jones’ legs buckle, Dallas area strip clubs are nearing panic mode as the Super Bowl approaches because they are desperately short on exotic dancers. According to TMZ, Showtime Cabaret currently employs 50 Porsches, Diamonds and Cinnamons, but they’re going to need another 100-120 Moniques, Desirees and Tigresses to meet the needs of Super Bowl fans, athletes, posse members, and the rest of the general pervert population.

In all, Showtime’s manager said that for the Nickelback and Buckcherry songs to keep playing, the city’s 60 strip clubs are going to need upwards of 10,000 additional strippers providing approximately 20,000 jiggly fun bags to meet maximum profit. Showtime and the other clubs are distributing promotional material (see next page) to attract girls who hate their fathers.

According to Showtime’s flyer:

Read the rest of this entry »

Tammy Morris is a woman with vision and passion. And her vision and passion both involve the idea of women having dollar bills crammed in their cracks for the purpose of giving horny businessmen boners. She’s hosting the 2010 Miss Pole Dance Canada competition next weekend, and she’s hellbent on proving that pole dancing is a legitimate fitness routine that doesn’t have to involve stripping and grinding and boner-inducing, despite, you know, being created by women who are strippers, grinders and boner-inducers.

Tammy’s competition is unique in that it won’t allow “g-strings, nudity or provocative gestures.” Responded Pacman Jones, “Well, what the f*ck?” Sixteen women will grease their way to Vancouver, British Columbia on Saturday to show off their “fitness” skills. And to prove that it’s all about the workout and not about bouncing titties, only four of the girls competing have experience as strippers. What’s that? They prefer to be called exotic dancers? Well their dads would have preferred to have sons.

Report to the stage in five minutes, UPI, but up next we’ve got Jasmine and her filthy erotic python:

Morris has turned the sexy adult-entertainment style of dance into a legitimate workout regimen becoming booming business across North America, the newspaper said.

Morris says the pole will eventually be de-sexualized at the gym.

In related news, 6 million Japanese men just bought gym memberships in Vancouver.

If you were one of the lucky few that secured an invite to Lamar Odom’s bachelor party scheduled for last night, we offer our condolences. And so does Odom, who’s still scheduled (as far as we know) to marry Khloe Kardashian on Sunday.

“I am extremely thankful to Joe Francis and Rob Kardashian, for agreeing to host my bachelor party this evening at Hollywood hot spot Les Deux.

I regret, I will have to cancel this event because I have now decided to have a private dinner with my teammates, a few close friends and of course Joe Francis and Rob Kardashian.”
via, via.

Man, that would have been a sweet party, but it’s probably for the best that such an awesome event didn’t happen. How depressing would it be to have an awesome time with strippers and midgets and then realize, Oh, I have to get married in three days to someone who’s neither a stripper nor a midget. This is exactly why we’re hiring a clown to drink with us in Vegas. Because parties with strippers and midgets are just a logistical nightmare.