With everyone ready to hand Florida the national championship before the season even kicks off [partially because of their 19 returning starters and their relatively easy schedule], we should probably just look ahead to 2010, where Tebow is expected to be drafted somewhere in the first round of that year’s NFL Draft (depending on who you ask; ESPN’s Todd McShay did not drink the Kool-Aid at communion, so to speak). And if you think the fellatio of God’s Quarterback has been stomach-churning on the college level, you might lose your mind when you learn that someone has already compared his career track to that of Steve Young.

Hmmm, let’s see: a left-handed quarterback who sees a larger purpose than football in this life, and the one (we hope) after.

Except: he may not have the arm to make it big in the NFL and runs too much, which is going to get him killed at the next level. –Chris Dufresne

Granted, there are plenty of pros for Tebow going pro: Come next April, he will have been a three-year starter with a completion percentage likely over 65%, playing under one of the more meticulous offensive minds in college football. But one has to wonder how the Tebow’s Sister Act will go outside of the rah-rah campuses of the college game. But if a guy can go celibate in Gainesville, damn, he can go celibate anywhere. The rest of his game might be under debate, but success breeds success. Unless you’re Tim Tebow and you don’t breed at all. I’d say that he’s screwed but really it’s just the opposite of that.

ASYLUM POLL: Are Tim Tebow And The Gators Unstoppable This Season?

Here’s a little something from the vault to send you on your way this Thanksgiving: Stacy Keibler versus Trish Stratus for the WWE ladyweight championship some years ago, which was apparently decided in a large tub of gravy. Oh hey, but first, they should sit down to this large feast carefully laid out next to the ring. No chance of that becoming a food fight. No sirree.

I’ve never found pro wrestling remotely entertaining, but this manages to do it for me, despite the egregious waste of mashed potatoes.  Still, I would have liked to hear the announcer say, “Watch out!  She’s got a turkey baster!”

[Hot Clicks]

Prop 8′s failure would open up the door for man-and-cardboard-cutout unions

ESPN analyst/Hall of Fame quarterback/famous Mormon Steve Young and his family will go against their freakshow church and vote No on Proposition 8 today.  Prop 8, in case you’re not up to speed, would ban same-sex marriage in California.

Young and his wife Barbara have posted yard signs in front of their Palo Alto home urging voters to vote no on Proposition 8…

Barbara Young [Rowr! -Ed.] has also donated about $50,000 to defeat the measure, and says in a statement that the family does not believe in discrimination and “therefore our family will vote against Prop. 8.”

Good for them.  I’m so goddam sick of gay marriage being an issue.  Listen, Christers, the gays aren’t going to be married in your precious church, okay?  They’ll get married in some fake church with some queer-lovin’ Judas presiding.  They’re just looking for some equal rights and tax breaks and stuff that our Constitution sorta promised them.  Don’t worry, they’ll still burn in hell for all eternity for their sodomizing ways.  Isn’t that enough?

Worter Torriente-Vele, a former Cuban wrestling champion, was arrested in Oregon after police were alerted to a drunken and belligerent man who wouldn’t leave a Plaid Pantry convenience store.  Six officers and four tasers later…

[Sergeant Michael] LeDuc said the 28-year-old Vancouver man started fighting with the two officers. One of them shot Torriente-Vele with a taser but it had no affect [sic].During the struggle, a third officer showed up and tried to help the other two contain Torriente-Vele.

Three more officers responded to the call. LeDuc said even after being tased three more times Torriente-Vele would not stay down.  After three minutes of struggling, the six officers were finally able to get some handcuffs on the five-foot-nine Torriente-Vele.

I don’t want to tell the police how to do their job, but I really think the arrest would have been easier if they hit him in the face some more.

[Machochip]

In June, Russian-born sumo wrestler Wakanoho Toshinori dropped his wallet in the street.  A good Samaritan returned it to a police station, where cops discovered a joint, causing them to ask, “Who the hell keeps a joint in his wallet?”  This little event got Toshinori banned from sumo FOR LIFE and created a firestorm in the sport.

Even though he was released without charge, the Wakanoho’s arrest shook the sport to its core. The rikishi escaped charges only because the amount of marijuana in his wallet was smaller than the threshold for legal punishment in Japan… He was told by the Japan Sumo Association (JSA) that reinstating him was impossible. On September 11, Wakanoho filed a lawsuit with the Tokyo District Court against JSA, demanding his dismissal be reversed.

But if the JSA was seeking to make an example of Wakanoho, it may have backfired. Hoping to demonstrate that his was an isolated case of substance abuse, the association conducted surprise urine tests on the 69 wrestlers of the top two divisions. These turned up positive tests in two more Russian rikishi, the brothers Roho, 28 and Hakurozan, 26… With no marijuana found in their possession, it will be difficult to bring any criminal charges against the brothers, but like Wakanoho, they were also thrown out of sumo.

I admit, I like organizations to be run with a slightly fascist iron fist, but even this seems a little draconian.  Sounds to me like some sumo officials may have been watching a little too much bondage/torture anime porn.  But really, who can blame them?  That shit is hot.

Former WWF (or WWE, whatever I’m supposed to call it) star Jake “The Snake” Roberts plied his old trade at a benefit in Ohio over the weekend, and things went really well.  TMZ has video of him rambling incoherently to the crowd, which responds with encouraging calls of “You suck!”

According to several sources, the 53-year-old legend was found passed out backstage moments before he was scheduled to perform. We’re told when Snake was woken up, he was aggressive, violent and asking for “an 8-ball.” [...]

During the match, Roberts was clearly unable to perform, barely responding to the barrage of “fake blows” he received from the other wrestler, J.T. Lightning. Around one minute into the match, Roberts’ opponent — clearly frustrated with the situation — whispers to the ref to end the fight. Afterwards, Lightning grabbed the mic and told Roberts, “I’ve wrestled drug addicts … you are a piece of s**t, Snake. You gypped these people. F**k you.”

After the verbal assault, Jake pulled down the front of his pants and exposed his penis to the crowd.

Well what the hell else was he supposed to do?  It’s not like his nickname is Jake the Middle Finger.