Links

Steve-O Breaks His Nose On Mike Tyson’s Fist - Any time I get confused about why people are so weird and confrontational about vegans, I remember that Steve-O AND Mike Tyson are vegan. Thanks for giving the haters a good reason, guys. [FARK]

David D.’s 25 Favorite Wrestling Matches Of All Time - If I’d known this could be an UPROXX feature I would’ve been doing one a day since I got hired. Totally doing a follow-up to this on Monday, if I can figure out how to get rid of all the Chris Benoit matches. [Smoking Section]

Eight Chapters in the Origin Story of Brad Pitt - Movieball is in theaters today, were you aware? [Moviefone]

The UPROXX Guide To Television’s 20 Most Lethal Show Killers - Summer Glau didn’t kill “Firefly”, Nathan Fillion’s accent did. It’s why I didn’t watch the show until earlier this year. Buffy season 7 was that bad. (p.s. Firefly is f**king great) [UPROXX]

Graphic Designer Dad Gives His Daughter An Ewok Adventure - Mean Girls-style Cool Moms are the worst, but This-style Cool Dads are the best. [Gamma Squad]

ABC to Make Nicholas Sparks Romance Porn - I’m glad they at least waited until Peter Falk was dead to make a sh*tty TV adaptation of Wings Of Desire. Can’t wait for werewolves to show up. [Warming Glow]

Abduction is getting Bucky Larson’d - In a better world, “Bucky Larson” will continue to be a verb describing a unanimous hatred of something. [Film Drunk]

The 10 Definitive Ron Swanson GIFs - I can’t tell you how happy I am that this show is back on TV. And why did Rob Lowe decide to grow his hair like mine? My hair looks terrible. [UPROXX]

18 Products Just As “Offensive” As Schweddy Balls Ice Cream - I haven’t clicked this yet, but I hope “Nut-N-Honey” made the list. [Buzzfeed]

Katie Holmes is the Slutty Pumpkin on ‘How I Met Your Mother’ - Does anything ever actually happen on this show? In my mind it’s just people walking onto bar or living room sets repeatedly while a studio audience laughs. [AOL TV]

Great Cast! Terrible Movie! 10 Awful Movies Despite the Awesome Talent Involved - Slackers, I’m looking in your direction. A movie with Max from Rushmore, Jason Segel, Big Pete from Pete and Pete and a James King/Laura Prepon lesbian kiss and somehow it’s still the biggest piece of sh*t I’ve ever seen. [Pajiba]

The above image is an ESPN illustration from a Page 2 piece called “Charlie Sheen vs. Mike Tyson quote quiz”. Or “What If Mike Tyson Were White?”, I can’t remember.

Sheen once shot Kelly Preston in the arm with a revolver and enjoyed a 20-plus year career despite beating up more than one woman. Mike Tyson liked to drag his wife down the hallway by her hair and was convicted of rape. Now, the hilarious star of The Hangover is set to skewer America’s irrepressible bad boy in “The Roast of Charlie Sheen”! Because this is how the world should work!

From TMZ:

Cocaine … hangovers … and mug shots — Mike Tyson and Charlie Sheen are a match made in Comedy Central Roast heaven … and TMZ has learned Iron Mike is officially on board to skewer the Warlock next month.

Sources heavily involved with the Roast tell us … Mike will be on the dais on September 10 … along with Steve-O from “Jackass” … comic Anthony Jeselnik and Roast legend Jeff Ross.

I guess my first question is, “when did Jeff Ross become a ‘Roast legend’?” Doing something doesn’t really make you a legend at it. Second question, how sad is it when comic Anthony Jeselnik is the second biggest star appearing at your roast? Is it more or less sad than being less of a draw than Steve-O?

I think most people have moved on from our two-week obsession with drug-addled Charlie Sheen, so hopefully “The Comedy Central Roast Of” is just a ruse and they’re setting up a two-hour intervention where they berate him for being one of our nation’s most legitimate creeps. Best case scenario, Jeff Ross shows up with a stack of index cards with nothing but Chuck Norris jokes on them and uses them indiscriminately for the next five Comedy Central Roasts.