Good news for fans of the Milwaukee Brewers and their whole “we’re a small market team playin’ so hard!” thing — baseball prospectus TMZ Sportz is reporting that slugger Ryan Braun’s positive test for banned substances wasn’t caused by steroids, it was caused by “medication he’s taking for a private medical issue”.

We’re told the reigning National League MVP is adamant he has not taken drugs or steroids of any kind.

One source simply told us … “The medication contained banned substances resulting in the positive test.” We’re also told prior to taking the dirty test, Braun had always tested negative for banned substances.

The nature of Braun’s medical ailment is unclear.

You’ve got to love TMZ’s helpful editorial addition of, “before he tested positive for steroids, he tested negative for steroids”. Thanks, guys. Before O.J. Simpson murdered those people he had never been a murder suspect.

There are a lot of other things to consider while wading through TMZ’s knee-deep bullshit as well, like why the doctor who prescribed the medicine to a pro baseball player wouldn’t know or consider that the steroids medicine he’s prescribing wouldn’t cause someone to test positive for steroids, or why if he did know it he wouldn’t have written Braun an exemption. Furthermore, Major League Baseball’s collevtive bargaining agreement (the same one that says you can have exemptions for situations like this) doesn’t allow you to go back and get exemptions for tests you’ve already failed.

I hope the follow-up to this story is that Braun’s private medical issue was “not hitting enough home runs”.

Saturday Night Live isn’t always on the cutting edge of comedy and “baseball = steroids” isn’t the most creative joke, but I couldn’t help but enjoy this Moneyball parody from Saturday’s show. It features exaggerated muscle suits, Jay Pharoah eating a baseball and a wistful young daughter so wistful she can’t help but Wist when she hears the A’s are cheating. The only real downside is Ben Stiller still thinking “nervous, put-upon Jewish guy” and “slimy Jewish businessman” are the only two characters he can play. More Tony Perkis, less Tony Perkis Sr., Ben.

Check out the video below, courtesy of Hulu, who are proud to support the efforts of whoever:

This comes on the heels of College Humor’s “Too Much Moneyball”, at at this rate Eddie Murphy and Brett Ratner aren’t going to have anything left to parody at the Academy Awards. Who am I kidding? We could get ten more funny Moneyball parodies and Ratner would still fill the first 15 minutes of the Oscars with Murphy superimposed over Brad Pitt and yelling MONEYBALL, WHATCHOO TALKIN BOUT MONEYBALL I OUGHTA SLAP YOU to stock footage of Jonah Hill.

Roger Clemens is a free man. More or less.

The perjury trial of former Major League Baseball pitcher Roger Clemens ended in a mistrial on the second day of witness testimony after prosecutors showed the jury evidence that violated a court order.

U.S. District Judge Reggie Walton in Washington said today that he’s considering barring further prosecution of Clemens on double-jeopardy grounds and set a hearing for Sept. 2 on whether to let the case proceed.

As a baseball fan and a human male on the Internet, I am outraged. I want Roger Clemens to go to jail for the rest of his life. No, I don’t think a prison term is the best idea for someone who cheated at baseball or did drugs or lied about either, I just really don’t like Roger Clemens. I am going to register a “kill Roger Clemens with a firing squad” Facebook page because of this, and I’m sure that will effect change.

Until then, please read the transcript from today’s proceedings.

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Barry Bonds was found guilty on one of the five counts he faced in federal court, the culmination of a decade-long federal investigation into whether or not the former San Francisco Giants outfielder knowingly took steroids.

The lone conviction came on a count charging Bonds with intentionally giving evasive, false or misleading testimony. In response to a question about whether his trainer gave him injectable drugs, Bonds gave a rambling answer, saying he was a “celebrity child, not just in baseball, by my own instincts.”

Bonds’ answer was obstruction of justice, the jury ruled, a deliberate attempt to interfere with the grand jury’s probe.

–SF Chronicle.

Bonds eventually answered that question asked of him during the grand jury, a point that will certainly be contended on appeal.

They deadlocked 11-1 in favor of convicting Bonds on a perjury charge based on Bonds’ claims that he had never received an injection from anyone other than his physician.

Jurors said they deadlocked in favor of acquittal on the other two perjury charges, which were based on Bonds’ denials that he had knowingly used steroids and human growth hormone.

Well that was totally worthwhile. Just think of all the Libyans we could have bombed with the millions of dollars the federal government spent on this trial. Maybe not a lot, but still, every little bit helps.

The Barry Bonds perjury trial is heating up, and we’ve finally reached the point where the prosecution wants to know about Barry Bonds’ balls, back-ne, and hat size.

She testified that, at one point, he had “a big lump … [that] looked awful” in his elbow. Bonds told her that steroid use caused the muscle and tendons to outgrow the joint. “It blew out,” she said. She also said that Bonds talked about the widespread use of steroids among baseball players. “He mentioned that other players do it and that’s how they got ahead, that’s how they achieved,” Bell said.

Bell testified to changes in Bonds’ physical condition, saying that his sexual performance declined and that his testicles shrank. He developed acne on his back and grew (and shaved) chest hair, according to Bell.

–WaPo.

Bonds’ hat size also grew an eighth of an inch over nine years. That doesn’t sound like a big deal, especially when dude is shaving his chest and watching his own testicles shrivel into oblivion. Did Bonds also start carrying a purse? Buying copious quantities of black shoes? Because that’s the only way I’ll care. Everyone know that Bonds was on some kind of juice, and yet no one can prove it. Having tiny nuts doesn’t amount to perjury, which has to be an enormous relief for Brett Favre.

But you know who has a huge head? Placido Polanco. That dude’s a walking Veggie Tale.

Barry Bonds is on trial for perjury in one of the biggest sports story of the year (and of the last two years, and of the next three). Bonds played for the Pirates for a while, so unless you really want to read comedy based around “we signed some young prospects, and they’re hitting like .250 in single-A, so we’re just gonna wait and see how that turns out” you’ll have to take this as your Spring Training Dugout.

The truth about Bonds is similar to the truth about Clemens. I think they both knew what they were doing, but are so delusional after decades of being deified and conversely judged that they can’t ever truly or morally understand what they’re doing. I think Barry Bonds is the type of guy who goes to the bathroom, comes out, washes his hands, takes five steps down the hall and starts wondering whether or not he needs to go to the bathroom. He can just also hit 7,000 home runs.

Today’s Dugout follows. Your comments are appreciated, as long as they aren’t in the third person. Brandon Stroud hates comments in the third person.

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