Watch the Worst Church Singer of All Time - Basically the opposite of the Wharvey Girls from O Brother Where Art Thou. Also, basically the opposite of someone who will ever have sex. [The FW]
Photoshop Challenge: Liam Neeson Versus… - I will not be even 1% surprised if this leads to Liam Neeson Vs. Predator in real life. Liam Neeson should try battling his performance in Phantom Menace. [UPROXX]
STen Pointless, Expensive On-Screen Props I Need to Own - BRING ME THE HEAD OF BABY SINCLAIR. [Warming Glow]
Cross Your Fingers: Dave Chappelle & Chris Rock Could Tour Together - Just like Watch The Throne, only Kanye and Jay-Z are still relevant. Yeah, sorry, no amount of being the black friend from Grown Ups is going to make me like you again, Chris. [Smoking Section]
“Total Recall” Remake Not Very, Uh, “Total Recall”-esque - Destiny is going to be disappointed. Total Recall is one of her favorite movies. In fact, like four of her five favorite movies involve Arnold. My girlfriend is weird. [Gamma Squad]
‘I Want You to Make My Mouth Pregnant’ leads AVN ‘Clever Title Award’ - Porn guys sure do have a weird idea of what constitutes “clever”. They should give Allie Sin a Newbery medal. [Film Drunk]
Stephen Colbert’s Interview With Maurice Sendak Was Outrageously Funny - Almost as cool as the time E.B. White and Bill Watterson went on Bill Maher and yelled at each other about religion. That didn’t happen, but oh man. [UPROXX]
Top 10 Pictures Of Vladimir Putin Beating Up Little Kids - Sometimes I feel like we should just start a blog about Russia. Somehow they were less crazy as evil Soviets. [Buzzfeed]
Stick Figure Decals For Your Unfortunate Lifestyle - The “my student could beat up your a-student!” bumpster stickers for a new generation. [Adult Swim]
Gina Carano explains why sex Is like cage fighting. If this doesn’t make you a fan, nothing will - And if you aren’t already a fan, you’re one of those Cage Potato commenters who hate everything. [FARK]
Single Men Vs. Single Women In NYC - As someone swimming in beautiful alty girls in Austin, Texas, this graphic is important and useful to me. [High Definite]
‘Sh*t Nobody Says’ And Providing Closure For A Played Out Meme - Closure, or an opening for someone to make a Sh*t Kate Upton Says that is nothing but here going LOL I’M HAVING SO MUCH FUN TAKING PICTURES and sends it to me. [UPROXX]
Kate Upton Did Something Fun With Kids - Speaking of America’s Best Girl, here’s a picture of Kate putting her lips on a trophy. Not pictured: me collapsing and writhing around on the floor. [With Leather]
10 Television Series that Outstayed their Welcome - This is a pretty definitive list, if only for that last season of Roseanne. Scrubs outstayed its welcome the second time Zach Braff scrunched his face up and looked up and to the left to show us he’s “remembering”. [Warming Glow]
Hustle Blood: Big Boi’s 20 Best Guest Appearances - My favorite Big Boi appearance is on the Coors Light ads by the escalators in Tower City Mall you had to look at when you parked there to go to Indians games. [Smoking Section]
Stephen Colbert May Join The Race For The Republican Presidential Nomination - I’d vote for him, not because he’s funny, but because he could legitimately do a better job than most of these whack-jobs. [UPROXX]
DROP EVERYTHING! The new Bill Murray/Wes Anderson has a trailer. - YESSSSSSS. Wes Anderson is like crack to me, I don’t care if everything he does is “the same”. It isn’t, and he rules. [Film Drunk]
Repeat After Me: “I Will Not Take Tax Advice From Trina Or Any Rapper” - Once I tried to make a Sprite can disappear in my mouth. I thought she was just telling me to drink a lot of Sprite. [Smoking Section]
The Five Comics of the New 52 You Must Be Reading - The worst part of trying to make comic book jokes is that you can’t make up a fake premise like “a gritty reimagining of Crazy Quilt!” or “a five part mini-series revealing the origin of Paste Pot Pete” because somebody who writes comics has actually already done it thinking it would be funny/ironic/awesome. Somebody let me write comics, for Christ’s sakes. [Gamma Squad]
The 10 Boldest Comedians Of Our Time - Dat Phan! He does his Grandma’s voice! She’s Asian! [Buzzfeed]
12 Stars Who Got Their Start on ‘One Life to Live’ - I don’t want to fully out myself here, but All My Children or GTFO. [The FW]
Side-by-Side Comparison of Average-Sized Woman with a Supermodel Will Blow Out Your Mindhole - I appreciate this, but suggesting that any sized woman is “average sized” is pretty condescending. I’m sure the naturally skinny girl reading this feels great about being abnormal. [Pajiba]
Epic Surf Video: Biggest Teahupoo Ever, Shot On the Phantom Camera In Stunning HD - I can’t get any more sales-pitchy than that headline, so go watch this. At one point he wipes out because of a mystical tiki. [Brobible]
A Gallery of Comic-Con in 1980 - Now THIS is awesome. This is what you should be doing with your time, Internet, finding and sharing sh*t like this. [Unreality]
This is what happens when you get excited about meeting a Power Ranger.
Funny, Sexy And Austin Cosplay Of The Week: The Best of Wizard World - Relive my hilarious/awesome/unnerving weekend at Austin Convention Center, asking people if I could take a picture of their costume. It’s my Gamma Squad debut (and probably the only thing they’ll ever let me write), so please don’t miss it. [Gamma Squad]
Frank Miller Is A Delusional, Curmudgeonly Old A-Hole - I’m with Vince on the “you’re a delusional asshole” parts, but not on the “your comics are bad” part or especially the “The Spirit was bad” part. The Spirit is so good and I’m living in an empty universe of people who agree. [Film Drunk]
ACW: An Appreciation - The best part of Wizard World for me was loitering around the Anarchy Championship Wrestling table and bothering the wrestlers. To the immediate right of this is my favorite wrestler in the world, Portia Perez, finger-painting something for me. My heart is on fire. [The Wrestling Blog]
Jay-Z Hails As GQ Magazine’s “King Of The Year” - I’m sure this will do wonders for his ego. [Smoking Section]
Don’t Worry Guys, Gina Wasn’t Pregnant - Whew! Now I just need to make sure Phoenix from American Gladiators hasn’t gotten pregnant and we’re straight. I’m going to go see your bad movie, Gina! [Cage Potato]
R.I.P. The Fake ‘Jack & Jill’ Twitter Account - I really wanted that EXCOOLSIVE ringtone. :( [UPROXX]
Football Guys: Mark Sanchez Comes Of Age - Jon uses his football version of The Dugout to make an extended joke about Mark Sanchez looking like Kevin Arnold in his Jets jacket. The kind of thing you should click and fawn over immediately. [SB Nation]
Coonskin Cap Witness: Florida or Ohio? - The best part of a coonskin cap is that we still call it “coonskin”, instead of just “stupid raccoon hat”. I think when you get to the point where you’re saying “I want to wear something’s entire body as a hat” you’re f**ked. [Warming Glow]
A Very Young Stephen Colbert In FirsTier Bank Commercial - His career lasted longer than that bank’s. [Buzzfeed]
10 Reasons Life in Skyrim Will Be Better Than Real Life - You know what I hate about real life? Not being able to stop every five seconds and scroll through a huge menu of options, then leave the menu, hit a button, then go right back to the menu. [Adult Swim]
The Men Who Camped Out for Twilight: A Photo Essay - The Greatest Generation. [FARK]
Remembering Eddie Guerrero - The “Hurt” video loses its emotional impact now that we see Chris Benoit and Vickie Guerrero as different people, but still, losing Eddie was the worst and we shouldn’t ever forget how great he was. [The John Report]
We don’t cover clips from ‘The Colbert Report’ as much as our friends at UPROXX, but last night’s sports-rich segment, starting with the NFL fining Troy Polamalu for concussion-dialing his wife on the sideline and ending with Colbert’s second pro-NBA-owner Colbert Super PAC ad (with Mark Cuban’s face superimposed on the American flag), was glorious and needs to be shared.
I won’t pretend I can say it better than Colbert. Here’s the accompanying press release for the video:
Colbert Super PAC has decided to take its talents to a new TV ad about the ongoing NBA contract negotiations. The spot, entitled “Ball Gag,” attacks NBA Commissar David Stern’s “gag rule,” which bars team owners like Mark Cuban from talking to press, friends, or even their own spouses.
The spot, the second in a planned quadrilogy, is made possible by a generous donation from Colbert Super PAC S.H.H., an independent nonprofit which does not reveal its benefactors’ names, donation amount, or what (if any) NBA team they own.
“My beloved game of ball-in-hoop is in danger, and David Stern is throwing elbows, kneecapping team owners right in the mouth.” said Stephen Colbert, President and MVP for Colbert Super PAC and Colbert Super PAC S.H.H. “You know who else supports Cuban censorship? Fidel Castro. It seems to me that Commissioner Stern needs to either grow a beard, or let owners speak their minds.”
You can check out the rest of the press release after the jump. He’s totally right, I turn to that Fort Worth station I don’t get in Austin for all of my Texas news.
I hope you’re sitting down – I assume you’re on the toilet – but I have some very shocking news for you – NBA Commissioner David Stern has set another deadline. I know, right, super scary dude. Anywho, Stern’s latest threat comes a week after he canceled the first two weeks of the 2011-12 season, costing the owners and players approximately $250 million each, which is ironic because the current gap in the labor negotiations is reportedly around $250 million total.
So what’s so special about today, Mr. Stern?
George Cohen tried to resolve the NFL’s labor dispute. Now he’s overseeing basketball’s negotiations for the first time. Stern wants immediate results, saying during interviews last week that proposals could get worse and more games could be lost without a deal Tuesday.
“If there’s a breakthrough, it’s going to come on Tuesday,” he told NBA TV. “And if not, I think that the season is really going to potentially escape from us because we aren’t making any progress.”
And if nothing happens today, you can forget about the two-week blocks that Stern previously mentioned, as he’s ready to cancel everything up to and including the Christmas Day games. Clearly I’m not an employee for the NFL or NHL, but I have to think someone in their scheduling departments must be making a few calls.
As always, I will point out that the lockout began on July 1 when the last CBA expired and the owners and players had zero meetings in July and just one meeting in August, before someone finally said, “Hey, we should probably try to get something done.” All the while, Stern and the owners have been blatantly misreporting their so-called concessions (you can’t give up what you never had) in their negotiations with the players, while the players’ agents have been pitting them against the union and pushing for decertification to preserve their desire to receive 53% of the basketball related income. It’s all just a big hoot, you see?
Thankfully, someone has stepped forward to be the voice of reason and logic in this mess, and that someone is Stephen Colbert.