Note: Sebastien has responded to the hateful tweets, and we’ve included his response at the bottom of this post. Make sure not to miss it.
This is 10-year old singer Sebastien De La Cruz. You may remember him from the last season of ‘America’s Got Talent,’ where he was one of those kids/old people/ugly people AGT moments where the judges are all, “pffft, f**k this person,” then get all teary-eyed and clappy when the person they judged by their cover has a magical voice. I feel like ‘America’s Got Talent’ does that three times per episode.
When it comes to the Canadian National Anthem, I know approximately two words and they’re both in the title. Because of that, I don’t bill myself as the kind of person who is qualified to sing the “O Canada” before sporting events, although I could offer a righteous air guitar and/or beatbox performance sans lyrics if the right lingerie football league team requested it. I’ll leave that up to them, though.
Not knowing the lyrics to “O Canada” didn’t stop singer Jeff Fuller – the tenor, not the former NFL receiver – as he showed off his pipes before yesterday’s Spring Training game between the Houston Astros and Toronto Blue Jays in majestic Dunedin, Florida. Fuller knew several more words to the official jam of America’s hat, but not enough to actually finish the song. So instead of honoring Blue Jays fans, he did a fantastic Tracy Jordan/Frank Drebin impression.
1. When people make the shape of the country out of the flag like that, why don’t they ever try to include Alaska and Hawaii? and 2. Is George W. Bush the only President we’ve ever had who says he likes baseball and actually does? [Terse Political Comment here] but at least he can throw a baseball without looking like a complete liar.
Part of me wishes Zooey had Zooey’d up the anthem and had a hand-clapping children’s chorus in the background, or M. Ward milling around somewhere behind her holding a guitar three sizes too big for him. And if you’d prefer a less indie joke, FOX has lined up Damon Wayans Jr. to sing the anthem for Game 5, and another guy to take over for him two lines in.
It’s a pretty standard feature, the collection of the worst national anthem performances of all-time, and most sports and pop culture blogs usually start running them out around Super Bowl time, unless there’s a surprise craptacular performance at an all-star game, NASCAR race, or drunken 4th of July party. But they’re just all so damned classic that we love re-living them every time.
That’s why I can’t believe that it took someone this long to finally put together a spectacular mash-up of the worst anthem performances in history. This new mash-up, brilliantly assembled by the fine folks at Popdust, has everything, like a Tosh.0 special episode – Roseanne, Carl Lewis, Christina Aguilera, the spectacular R. Kelly performance that is almost always excluded, and thank Francis Scott Key, they even included Fergie’s vocal disaster from last week’s Miami Dolphins game against the New England Patriots.
It is the perfect storm of patriotic suck and we salute it.
America defending its nation was the only defense to appear in this game.
4th And A Long Shot: 10 Predictions For The NFL Season - Prediction 11: “The Cleveland Browns will win 11 games and make the playoffs because their schedule is weak, and I think one of their games is against a high school team”. Yeah, the Browns are going to be awesome. Woof woof! [Smoking Section]
The Hilarious Photoshops of True American Dog - Say what you will about the Tim and Eric nature of these images, but “Kooly the Bear” is hilarious, especially when he’s nervous about meeting his father. Like some sort of wonderful fever dream. [UPROXX]
The Dugout: John Mayberry Wants to F**k a Mermaid - If you missed yesterday’s Dugout, be sure to check it out. It features references to The Little Mermaid and Dungeons & Dragons and features a 100% medically accurate summary of how fish reproduce. [The Dugout]
‘Toddlers & Tiaras’ Mom Defends Dressing Daughter Like A Famous Prostitute - I thought this was going to be an article about Taylor Momsen. We need more posts at UPROXX about Taylor Momsen, the beautiful, probably-stinky wonder teen. [Warming Glow]
Kate Winslet Talks Nude Scenes. And Yes, That Is a Purple Monkey. - Kate Winslet is literally 75 years old and looks better than anybody else. Take note of how beauty can age gracefully, disgusting new face of 17-year old Ali Lohan. [FARK]
Doc Brown Shills Electronics in Argentina Now - I don’t think people understand viral videos. They have to, I don’t know, BE about something. You can’t just virally video Godzilla and have a hot dog stand somewhere in the background, then say you’re virally marketing a hot dog stand. [Gamma Squad]
Nike Releasing Product From “Back To The Future 2″ That Isn’t A Hoverboard - The Marty McFly shoes exist. Man, I wish I could go back to the beginning of the season and put some money on the Cubbies. [Gamma Squad]
Happy Birthday to Me: TNT Orders Pilot About Crime-Solving Dog - In the criminal justice system, spay and neuter-based offenses are considered especially heinous. [Warming Glow]
This Week in Posters: The Rum Diary, Baby Goose, and Robot Box - I can’t believe there’s a worse looking movie coming out than New Year’s Eve, but yep, I Don’t Know How She Does It. What is that title, seriously? [Film Drunk]
17 Photobooth Pictures Featuring Puppies - I hope the hipsters on my Facebook feed can do some more photobooth pictures today, that would be awesome. [Buzzfeed]
The Best and Worst Schools in Movies - I hope “that one from Stomp The Yard where they think you’re stupid if you don’t immediately know what their stupid team dancing means” is on here somewhere.. [Moviefone]
Nick Swardson’s 9 Funniest Moments - This should just be a blank page. We need to quickly go back to this guy not being a thing. [The Smoking Jacket]
A bad rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner is Hell on Earth. I’ve sat through everything from cracked pre-teen Christina Aguilera types to those quartets of old people singing opera (this is easily the worst), so I empathize with Baltimore Orioles manager Buck Showalter when the camera caught him mouthing “what the frank” (I think that’s what he was mouthing) during a particularly weird version of our National Anthem.
To his credit, when you manage the Orioles you’re mouthing that and shaking your head about 70% of the time. I think we need to take a more proactive approach to unusual covers of the Banner, air our what the fudges, and start garroting these people. You’re a good man, Buck, and I’m sorry you had to live through this.