Fun fact: If you ask the average sports fan who he thinks will win the Stanley Cup, he will answer “LeBron James.”

Sports

Canucks Try to Explain 8-1 Game 3 Embarrassment - Canucks player Carlos Zambrano added “we stinks.” There are a lot of great parallels between the NHL and NBA finals, such as the Heat/Bruins being unstoppable and Dirk/the Canucks refusing to do anything but set those terrible picks over and over. [Puck Daddy]

Tim Thomas Toe-Pick Followed By Some Redemption - This is the easiest way to humanize a player, by watching him mess up and fall on his ass, then absolutely truck somebody. Hockey is pretty cool, and more people on the Internet should watch it. [Yardbarker]

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One of the great blessings of my life is that I was a child before digital cameras and a teenager before YouTube. That means there are not 500 pictures of me naked in the bathtub on my Mom’s Facebook page, and that every dumb thing I decided to do on video wasn’t publicly archived for the enjoyment of the world. YouTube user DaftTonks seems to enjoy filming herself singing Ke$ha songs, and while there is nothing inherently wrong with that, her Boston Bruins-themed parody of “We R Who We R” has just exploded onto the Internet with exactly the right mix of bad singing, bad ideas, and fat kids.

I urge you to avoid the HEY TEENAGE BITCH HIT THE SALAD BAR YOU BITCH thing YouTube commenters have a tendency to do, and instead focus on the true star of the video, a kid identified only as “Antony.” Antony steals the show with his Biggie Smalls-style flow, and I think he’d be our next breakout Internet star if DaftTonks had bothered to sync up their performance to the music. The rushed, bated-breath tone of the song certainly hurts its impact. A wag of the finger to the producer!

But yeah, I’m pretty happy to be a guy struggling for success online instead of someone thrust into it against his will. I just want to be Brandon, not “Bruins Kid” or “hockey song fail girl.” At least now I know who to root for in the Stanley Cup Finals.

[H/T Buzzfeed]

With the Philadelphia Flyers on the verge of Stanley Cup elimination on their own ice at the Wachovia Center, the attention has been turned away from tonight’s Game 6 in Philly and focused on the Chicago Tribune’s latest attempt at sports rivalry humor – a graphic portraying “Chrissy” Pronger in a skirt, and declaring that he “Looks like Tarzan, skates like Jane.” Despite the distraction, Pronger has mostly ignored the jab, which makes one of us. I just can’t tell where his legs stop and his neck starts.

With the Flyers down 3-2 to the Chicago Blackhawks and facing their fourth elimination game of these playoffs, Pronger told reporters that he doesn’t bother reading anything that’s written about him – good or bad. The Tribune’s editorial staff, in the face of accusations that the image and accompanying copy are sexist, responded that the intent was all in harmless fun, and that nobody should be upset about some good, old-fashioned tomfoolery. Besides, with sexy pictures like that, it’s not like anyone reads the Tribune for the articles.

Photoshop my bikini line, USA Today:

Tribune sports editor Mike Kellams told the New York Daily News that the paper did not intend to be offensive but “there is no other guy in orange who commands attention like Chris Pronger does…he’s the villain, he’s the enemy. We were just trying to tap into that emotion that is unique to sports, and we were just trying to have some fun in the paper. I don’t think that’s against the law.”

Team USA women’s hockey captain Angela Ruggiero doesn’t see anything funny in the Tribune’s efforts, though, responding:

“I’d like to see that editor out on skates. I’ll take them one-on-one on the ice any day,” Ruggiero said. “They obviously have never seen women’s hockey and are living in the dark ages. … Obviously it’s offensive. It’s disappointing more than anything.”

As the one-time owner of a Manon Rheaume rookie card, I am offended as well. I can’t believe I paid $6 for it. Tribune sports editor Mike Kellams said he’s received mixed reactions to the graphic, adding: “Johnny Weir LOVED it!” Ruggiero is hosting her hockey camp for girls in Illinois this month and has said that she refuses to purchase a Tribune newspaper, making her no different than 90 percent of Americans.

A short-handed goal from the Pittsburgh Penguins’ Jordan Staal sparked an onslaught that saw the Pens even their Stanley Kubric Steemer Tucci Cup Final series with the Detroit Red Wings after winning, 4-2, in Pittsburgh. The series heads back to Detriot for Game 5 on Saturday. From Y! Sports:

Staal’s goal instantly changed a major opportunity by Detroit to seize control not only of the game but the series into a tie game, and the 17,132 jammed into a suddenly rocking Mellon Arena sensed how big the play might be. And they were right.

“That was a big momentum changer for us,” Talbot said. “The building was so loud, it gave us a lot of emotion.”

Perhaps the most spectacular goal of the night was that of Tyler Kennedy, who capped off what everyone seems to enjoy calling a tic-tac-toe play to beat Chris Osgood. Video of that goal is after the jump, and if it doesn’t make you wet your pants the first time you see it, then I’m not sure we can be friends anymore.

NHL – The Red Wings captured their fourth Stanley Cup in 11 seasons and blah blah blah, pardon me while I engage in a mild inward seethe now that the Penguins team I'm a pretty fairweather fan of has been thoroughly outclassed in the series' deciding Game 6. Pittsburgh played lackadaisical hockey most of last night, helped no doubt by a pretty dominating performance by the Wings. Nice of Evgeni Malkin to finally get on the board. After dragging ass for about 58 minutes, the Pens tried the last-minute surge that served them so well in Game 5, getting a goal from Marian Hossa in the final minutes to narrow the Detroit lead to one, then having a decent chance to tie at the buzzer. Didn't help matters that they were limited to one shot through the final period leading up to that point. That and Marc-Andre Fleury pushing in the deciding goal by Henrik Zetterberg. Guh. Lots of firsts for Americans to be apathetic about: Niklas Lindstrom becomes to first European born and trained player to captain a Stanley Cup champ. And Dan Cleary becomes the first player from Newfoundland ever to win a Stanley Cup. Well, naturally, they just discovered the place! [Bah-do chieeee!]

MLB – Lots of Coco Crisp-related drama during the Red Sox 5-1 win over the Rays to recapture 1st place in the AL East. He slid late in second! But it was in retailation for the second baseman keeping his knee down on a steal attempt! Better to settle it the traditional way and let pitchers throw at a batter's head the next inning…

French Open – Still going on, apparently. Wake me when the sexy girls play.  

NHL - Petr Sykora guaranteed he was going to score. It just would have been nice if it took him less than four and a half hours to do it. His goal midway through the third overtime extends the Stanley Cup Finals to Game 6 in the 'Burgh. I mean didn't they already play in effect an extra game last night. Can't this go straight to Game 7? And nothing helps an interminable game like the NBC announcers saying repeatedly through each overtime that "the next goal wins the game." Hey, thanks for that trenchant analysis, crotchpheasant. Maxime Talbot staved off elimination for the Pens with a tying goal with 34 seconds left and the Pittsburgh defense performed admirably with Sergei Gonchar sidelined through the first two overtimes. 

MLB – Chase Utley (And what a grand pursuit he must be) homers for the fifth straight game in the 5-4 Phillies win over the Reds, putting him at a league-leading total of 21 and one under his mark through all of last year. Oh yeah, he also made two stout defensive snags, but, hey, those aren't socking dingers, brah. Oh yeah, that bum Jay Bruce also homered, but lowered his average 14 points to .577. What a fraud…Manny Ramirez wishes he could play all his games in Camden Yards, probably because they have more Red Sox fans than anywhere else other than Boston or maybe the China. Also, he's homered there in three straight games, tallying career no. 502 last night in a 6-3 loss to the Orioles…Carlos Zambrano collects three hits to raise his average to .366. Oh yeah, he picks up his 8th win in a 7-6 Cubs win over the Padres. WE ONLY CELEBRATE OFFENSE!…Prince Fielder homers to lift the Brewers over the Diamondbacks and steals third to strike a blow for fatty rights.

French Open – Maria Sharapova makes an early exit. I bet it was still sexy though.