Not Miss July Shanna McLaughlin. She's wonderful.

Ah the joys of being a Conference USA football fan. Not only do I get to watch NFL action tonight, but also my favorite NCAA football team, thanks to the fact that nobody really gives a crap about non-BCS conference on Saturdays. And if this isn’t fun enough, my team also used to be in the MAC, which meant that we had Tuesday, Wednesday and even Friday night games. What a hoot that was.

So while I’ll be saddled up at my favorite watering hole, er, I mean in my season ticket seat at Bright House Stadium in Orlando, here are some games that you can watch tonight from the comfort of your favorite watering hole, er, I mean home.

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The immediate future, I guess.

If you wanted to feel really f**king super old today, this year’s college freshmen were born in 1994. This is a drag, especially for freshman-level college professors who accidentally say “Pulp Fiction” in class and get stared at until they mention it’s what Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam were parodying in Space Jam. Then you have to explain what Elmer Fudd, Space Jam, movies, parodies and references are. (Tip: they’re the thing from Family Guy.)

The Beloit College Mindset List helps combat that by putting out a yearly list for college professors, reminding them via nonscientific study that kids born in 1994 “see the world in a different way”. If you’re wondering what this has to do with sports, one of the notes mentioned is that kids grew up in the 1990s having no idea that L.A. had a football team (much less two of them) or that Cal Ripken wasn’t just given the consecutive games record by default.

From CF News 13:

Remember when suitcases had to be carried instead of rolled? Or when an airline ticket was a booklet of pages separated by carbon paper? Maybe you remember when Lou Gehrig held the Major League record for consecutive baseball games played.

This year’s college freshmen don’t.

They never lived in a world where Kurt Cobain was alive or an NFL team played its home games in Los Angeles. The Class of 2016 has no need for radios, watches television everywhere except on actual TV sets, and is addicted to “electronic narcotics.”

The article goes on to say kids think ‘The Twilight Zone’ is about vampires and quickly includes a quote from an 18-year old saying “no we don’t”, so remember that this is intended to remind teachers how ignorant their kids are gonna be and is in no way accurate. I mean, hell, I know Cleveland had an NHL team even if they merged with the North Stars two years before I was born and like 27 years before I moved to Ohio.

For anyone reading this who sincerely doesn’t remember the Los Angeles Rams, watch this video. Never forget.

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Charles Hubbard claims to be a spiritual man, called upon by the great Creator to use his “Spiritual gifts for His glory” but he’s smart enough to know that in this age of the Internet and social media, you need to hitch your wagon to something that really pulls. So of course Hubbard has created a website that openly criticizes New York Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow and St. Louis Rams QB Sam Bradford for their endorsements of Nike.

Why is this such a big deal to Hubbard? Because Nike is the Greek goddess of Victory and these heathens are promoting this Pagan worship to all corners of the globe.

There is a demonic presence with Nike and a temptation that many Christians and non-Christians find hard to resist… some even plead their case to wear Nike… even though it honors the goddess Nike of Paganism… a false religion clearly opposing the One True God and the truth of Christianity.

Because it is demonic… it encourages evil like hero-worship, arrogance, obsession, detestable idolatry and even sex.

These evil messages can be seen repeatedly in Nike advertising.

He’s got a point, because right before I tee off with my Nike driver, I pray to any god that will listen for my ball to not fly through a window. Hubbard claims that he has been carrying this torch – specifically against Bradford, as he might be a Rams fan – for quite some time, and that God has been guiding him in this quest to promote and achieve universal goodness.

Oh, it should probably also be noted that Hubbard owns his own sportswear business and this is just his own way of using his religion and Tebow’s faith to boost web traffic and sales.

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What, this isn't good enough?

Aw crap, more state politics. This time we’re talking new stadium agreements, and the fun begins in Minnesota, where the Vikings have agreed to terms on a partnership with the taxpayers for the creation of a $975 million stadium. The team will pay $477 million toward the new facility, while the state and Minneapolis will pay the other $498 million. This is truly a remarkable day for unions between the people and the billionaires who take all of their money.

But before you go shopping for new tailgate gear, Vikings fans, you should probably know that you will never ever be able to see just how that taxpayer money is being spent, because the state gave the Vikings a “blanket protection” that allows Zygi Wilf and Co. to be super secretive about everything they do. Hooray, democracy!

One provision would shield “any financial information” from the team from public eyes. Critics say the blanket protection goes beyond state law, leaving taxpayers in the dark.

“We now have the largest public commitment in the state’s history in an agreement with the Vikings, and we have an unprecedented lack of disclosure,” said Rep. Mary Liz Holberg, R-Lakeville, who voted against the stadium bill. (Via the Seattle Times)

Basically, Governor Mark Dayton and a team of people that he will choose will be able to check in on the finances of the Vikings and their new stadium whenever they want. And if they see something they don’t like, they can handle it internally. But even if it’s something totally f*cked up, the public still can’t see it. Dayton might as well cut the stadium’s ribbon, scream, “HEY, LOOK OVER THERE!” and light a pile of money on fire.

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The St. Louis Rams tried their hardest to put up one last fight in this incredibly disappointing season, as they scored 17 points in the 4th quarter to make the NFC West champion San Francisco 49ers really sweat over earning the No. 2 seed in the playoffs and a first round bye. Ultimately, the 49ers, led by my NFL MVP pick David Akers – he only kicked two more field goals and threw a touchdown, nothing special – defeated the Rams 34-27, and that’s awesome if you’re a 49ers fan but it sucks for Rams fans. Thankfully, one Fox Sports cameraman gave Rams fans a ray of light for their New Year.

During the third quarter, the cameraman in question caught bosomy Rams cheerleader Holly (seen above) on camera and gave her the completely unnecessary but totally appreciated slow motion treatment. Who says miracles only come at Christmas?

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Well, the time comes when the lights need to be turned on and the party must end. We had a good run of 10 weeks, as we watched the league’s worst teams flop around like wounded ducks as a few of them tried to convince us they weren’t losing on purpose for the 2012 NFL Draft’s top prize – Stanford QB Andrew Luck. Unfortunately, our party is pretty much over and we can stick a fork in this Suck for Luck campaign. Barring a miracle – and by that I mean the sudden desire to win – the Indianapolis Colts will have the first pick in the next draft.

And that’s fine, because that’s what their fans and ownership openly pined for to very little criticism. Apparently the Colts are allowed to lose on purpose, so let’s all tip our caps to the eventual team that will make Luck the No. 1 pick. In the meantime, we’ll take one last rundown of the power(less) rankings – and don’t worry, we’ll still review each game in our own fun way in the coming weeks – while I try to decide if I want the Miami Dolphins Whiffin’ for Robert Griffin III or Playing Lames for LaMichael James. Maybe Losing Whack, Son for Justin Blackmon?

Decisions, decisions.

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