In perhaps the most shocking development of the Rutgers men’s basketball scandal, which featured now-former head coach Mike Rice physically and verbally abusing players, Saturday Night Live produced a sketch about it within a week of it taking place. Normally, we would have expected to see this sort of sketch in two months or so, after every joke had already been made and the world had been outraged by at least 15 other incidents since then. But credit is due to SNL for jumping all over this one.

That said, the sketch in question featured Melissa “Rex Reed’s Hot Desire” McCarthy as a women’s basketball coach named Sheila Kelly who is apparently 10 times worse than Rice. A brief perusal of the Twitterverse and Tumblrsphere leads me to believe that people thought this was a funny sketch, and I’ll admit that I laughed at McCarthy staring down Jay Pharaoh through the window.

Other than that, I didn’t think it was anything remarkable, but that may also be due to the fact that my blood is still boiling over the fact that both Rice and ousted athletic director Tim Pernetti will receive $1 million from the school, per their contracts. Seriously, if I’d known that I could get $1 million for screaming “F*ggot” at a bunch of teenagers, I would have never stopped being a substitute teacher.

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After a year of life-ruining scandal, a conviction on 45 counts of sexual abuse, a thousand ill-advised punchlines and too many fines and sanctions to remember, the victims of the Jerry Sandusky horror might be able to rest a little easier.

The sentencing on Sandusky’s convictions went down this morning, to the tune of at least 30 years in prison.

At 10:09 a.m., Sandusky stood at the front of the courtroom in a bright red jumpsuit with his back to his wife and four of his children. Judge John M. Cleland told the 68-year old that the sentence of at least 30 years, but not more than 60 years, meant he would be in prison “for the rest of your life.” Sandusky looked down for a moment, then back at the judge. The courtroom was quiet.

The sentencing took less than 90 minutes, but it provides yet another moment of closure for Sandusky’s victims, along with a community that has been stunned by one of the most devastating, high-profile scandals to hit higher education. (via Washington Post)

Just like the Penn State fines, this isn’t “enough,” it’s not “fair,” and it doesn’t make anything “right”. It’s not a happy moment to read about this guy being sentenced to 30-60 years in jail for the terrible things he did to people (and the terrible shockwaves he sent throughout an entire organization), much in the same way you shouldn’t pull that “HE’LL GET KILLED IN PRISON I BET HEH HEH” card. None of this is happy or funny. It’s sad, it never stops being stomach-turning, but at least justice is playing out in the way we kinda-sorta trust it will.

Jerry Sandusky is now an officially charged-and-sentenced child molester. The kind of guy who says this.

“A young man who was dramatic, a veteran accuser, and always sought attention, started everything. He was joined by a well-orchestrated effort of the media, investigators, the system, Penn State, psychologists, civil attorneys and other accusers. They won.”

Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State defensive coach who at the very least showered with young boys, touched their legs in the showers because he’s just like Forrest Gump and ended a bunch of creepy voice mail messages with “there’s nothing really to hide” and “I love you”, thinks it’s “unjust” for PSU to be fined and punished simply because he molested boys there and everyone in charge of him covered it up to maintain the integrity of their football program.

Yes, folks, Jerry Sandusky is now a judge of what is and is not appropriate.

Attorney Joe Amendola told The Associated Press in a phone interview that Sandusky told him that even if people believe he is guilty of the crimes for which he was convicted in June, it would be “ridiculous” to think Penn State administrators engaged in a cover-up.

“He said, ‘To do what they’re doing to Penn State is so unjust,’” Amendola said. “He loves the program and he loves the university … He continues to believe that the truth will come out at some point, and that he’ll get another trial or another opportunity to establish his innocence.” (via ESPN College Football)

I don’t know what kind of crazy shit the human brain can do to itself, but if denial has a sound barrier, Jerry Sandusky just broke it. I guess it isn’t fair to expect a guy like this to be aware of what he’s done, or his lawyer to have even 1% of a normal human being’s integrity and skip the whole “ONE DAY we’ll find out what REALLY happened and YOU’LL ALL BE SORRY” gag.

If Penn State is sincerely worried about making it through this scandal and moving forward as a university, I’d like to recommend buying a gross of duct tape and using it to cover the entire head of Forrest Jerr, the Paterno Family and anyone else who feels the need to destructively add to this between now and infinity.

Usually I let Burnsy handle the Penn State sex scandal stories. He’s got a more eloquent way of saying f**k you and die forever than I do, and I mostly just get indignant about stuff that barely matters. I might not be able to write much about this, either, but I wanted to share it with you.

These are the phone messages Sandusky left for Victim 2, aka the one from the showers Mike McQueary saw and didn’t do anything about. In the first, left last September, he says that there’s “nothing to hide, really” and that feelings should be “firm” and expressed upfront. In the second, he tosses out invites to a Penn State game. Both feature Sandusky saying “I love you”.

The closest thing I can come up with for a joke here is that “I love you” and “do you want to go to a football game” were my two worst pick-up lines in high school. I’m not the type to wish an actual death on anyone. I’ll wish hyperbolic death on you all day, but I’m not gonna find any joy if Sandusky gets murdered in prison. If that happens, I’m going to feel the same way I do now — that the human brain can be the best or most f**ked up thing in the world, and that this man was impossibly sad in addition to being destructive and awful. People will still argue the value of college football record-keeping against human decency, and all we’ll really be left with is audio clips like these of a man saying “I love you” to people he raped.

I don’t know where to go with this, except far, far away.

[h/t to Bob's Blitz]

It’s still not fun to make light of the Penn State abuse scandal (especially in the wake of ESPN’s horrifying HANDS OFF cover), and TMZ’s latest updates on what’s being said during Mike McQueary’s preliminary hearing testimony won’t make it any easier.

McQueary says he peeked into the shower and personally saw Jerry and the boy naked in the shower together — with Jerry grabbing the boy’s waist from behind, while the boy was facing the wall.

McQueary says he peeked in the shower several times — and by the last time, they had separated. But McQueary told the court, “I know they saw me. They looked directly in my eye, both of them.”

The next thing he said was, “Seeing that they were separated, I thought it was best that I leave the locker room”, meaning the first and most logical follow-up question should’ve been, “at no point did you consider saying HEY GUYS WHAT’S GOING ON IN THERE and pending the boy pointing out a 60-year old’s hands on his waist, possibly punching an old child molester in the face?”

The second follow-up question should’ve been, “so are you just quoting The Simpsons, or what”.

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

TMZ is doing opportunistic SHOCKING CAPS updates about this all day, so if you’re interested in following along, you can check that out. Personally, I’m not interested in finding out what Jerry Sandusky’s cat’s breath smells like.

I don't want to know what he's planning to do with that.

Quick, name the last person you’d like to see in a sex tape.

Did you say Carrot Top? It’s a statistical fact that when pressed with this question, 70% of Americans say Carrot Top. And, uh, this is the second worst.

A butt naked Shaun White smiled for the camera … while messing around on a bed with a hot naked lady back in 2009 … and now the X-rated photos are being shopped around town … TMZ has learned.

Sources tell TMZ … the photos were taken at a hotel party … a short time before The Flying Tomato won a gold medal at the 2009 Winter X-Games for Superpipe (haha … superpipe).

The “haha” aside and the landslide of ellipses are theirs, not mine. Or, as TMZ would write it,

The “haha” aside … and the landslide of ellipses … are theirs … not mine … TMZ has learned.

In all seriousness, this scandal threatens to shake the snowboarding, extreme sports, niche-video-games-when-1080-Snowboarding-isn’t-out and boys-t-shirt-racks-at-Target worlds to their foundations. Now instead of knowing him as “that one snowboarder”, everyone will know him as that one snowboarder who we had to see naked. At least this is great news for those weird girls who read Harry Potter and attach themselves to Ron.

At times like this, we can only take a step back and remember that pro athletes are only human, and thank God that Tony Hawk was popular before digital cameras were a thing.

[via ... TMZ]