If I’ve learned anything from my decades of dating pop stars, actresses and models, it’s that there is always an agenda. For example, my last girlfriend, a Victoria’s Secret model, used to say things like, “Leave me alone” and “I’ve never met you” and “Seriously, my boyfriend is going to kick your ass”, and I knew that it was just her way of saying, “Please send me more collages of us with baby animals”. That’s why when Miss Alabama USA and girlfriend of that guy whose team won something earlier this week, Katherine Webb, suddenly canceled her TV appearances and changed her phone number, we knew there had to be a little more to the story.

Especially with this wacky bro involved.

Additionally, everyone should know by now that when you Tweet something on the Twitters and then delete it, it’s never gone. NEVER. Someone always has a copy of that Tweet, no matter how fast you think you were. And someone indeed grabbed a copy of a long-since-deleted Tweet from Webb yesterday that kind of negates all that privacy stuff…

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Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model and 2011 With Leather Celebrity Sports Fan of the Year Kate Upton spent 10 days on a cruise from Argentina to Antarctica for a top secret photo shoot for next year’s iconic bathing suit issue, and it’s so on the hush-hush that TMZ found about it and posted a bunch of pictures. Of course, the world’s leading experts in online journalism also took us to class on how you write an opening sentence.

Kate Upton and Lindsay Lohan have something in common … because Kate’s assets were FROZEN recently — when the curvaceous 20-year-old model stripped down to her skivvies for an Antarctica photo shoot … where the temperature hit 35 BELOW!!!

Boom, bagging on Lohan and celebrating Upton’s bags in the same sentence is writing we can get behind. But also mentioned is the fact that Oreo, in celebrating its 100th birthday, teamed up with SI to send a giant cookie mascot to Antarctica to freeze his ass off with Upton in the absurdly cold weather. And the strangest thing is that I wrote in my diary that if and when I’m finally taken from this Earth, I want to be dressed as an Oreo cookie while hugging Upton. Eerie.

Naturally, because Upton is such a strangely controversial figure, some sites that I won’t bother linking to are already branding the 20-year old with a Scarlet F for Fatty because she’s just such a moo cow that clearly disgusts so many men and women alike. But I’ll let TMZ go ahead and take us home with the most TMZ closing line possible…

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"Oh hey, I didn't see you there. I'm pregnant."

It’s been a while since we’ve heard from former NFL spokesperson and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Marisa Miller, because she decided to get pregnant and practically vanish into thin air. At one point I was even starting to wonder if we’d ever hear from her again, because you know how some girls get when they become moms and all they want to do is spend their days posting pictures of their kids on Facebook. Hell, Miller never even fulfilled her obligation as a famous woman with her own “Here’s me naked and pregnant because EDGY!” magazine cover.

That is, until now. Miller did the whole naked pregnant thing that Demi Moore made famous 40 or 50 years ago for the latest issue of Allure magazine, and according to her coinciding interview, she’s all preggers and proud.

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The decision by the fine folks at Sports Illustrated to name LeBron James the Sportsman of the Year for 2012 is hardly shocking. If anything, the only surprise to come from this latest award for the self-proclaimed “King” is that he’s just the 6th NBA player to ever receive the honor, joining Dwayne Wade (’06), Tim Duncan and David Robinson (’03), Michael Jordan (1991), Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (1985) and Bill Russell (1968). As for the actual merits and what this award actually represents, though, does James actually deserve it?

Sure. Why not?

To be very honest, I spent most of the morning trying to think of anyone who deserved this honor over James, and I came up with very few results. At first, I wanted to write a Skip Bayless-esque Jason Whitlock-ian essay about why it should have been Dwight Howard, but that really wouldn’t have been any fun for you. Then, I wanted to come up with the “GRRRRRRRR, I HATE LEBRON JAMES!” list of reasons why he doesn’t deserve the award, but that attitude has sort of run its course.

And let’s face it, once the Miami Heat won the NBA championship and took away our nuclear arsenal against the easiest man in sports to hate, this Sportsman of the Year recognition was locked up. He would have had to eaten, digested and pooped out a trash can full of puppies on a Fox News special, hosted by Glenn Beck and Chris Matthews, while Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly wrestled orphans in a pool of pudding to lose this thing.

But I’ll let SI’s brass explain why James deserves this.

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Yes, the latest issue of Sports Illustrated will feature a cover story on the (at the time of this post) wildcard-hopeful Orioles and the unlikely sports capital of Bodymore, Murderland. More importantly, the piece is written by David Simon, creator of The Wire, the best show in the history of television. The story even has “The Wire” in the title.

To celebrate David Simon’s appearance in SI and his willingness to go, “hey, remember that show I made about Baltimore” on the cover, here are 10 alternate suggestions for Orioles/Sports Illustrated/’The Wire’ story titles.

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(Burnsy here. The other day, me and the fellas were chatting around the UPROXX whiskey fountain, and we decided that Sports Illustrated and Deadspin are on to something. Last week, SI – for no reason other than passing out some cyber ass slaps – launched its list of the 100 sports people that we should be following on Twitter, and Deadspin responded with a more tongue-in-cheek version of people we shouldn’t follow. The problem, though, is that there are people out there who you really should be following that don’t get the credit they deserve, and there are people who really, really suck beyond the obvious guys like Skip Bayless and Jason Whitlock, who both really, really suck.

So we enlisted some friends for this week, and we’re sending out our own Twitter ass slaps. First up, my brother from another mother, Bobby Big Wheel.)

Hey there boners, Bobby Big Wheel here, starting off our week of awesome Twitter lists to counteract the lame-ass Sports Illustrated linkbait crap Darren Rovell ones. Did I use enough adjectives there? Good. Anyway, here are 25 Tweeters that I want to go to Burning Man with.

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