Oh, sorry, the Kate Upton Sports Illustrated cover story is AFTER the Morning Links, this is a guy literally busting nuts. With his butt. Sorry for the confusion!

(via The FW)

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Links

The Best Of #Kenny Powers - “So, besides getting shot in the back of the head do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school and no, I’m not making that up.” [UPROXX]

One ‘Community’ Character Will Die: Let’s Place Odds - Can it please be Chang? There’s nothing Chang does the Dean can’t do better. [Warming Glow]

5 Reasons “Comic Book Men” Stinks - Reason number f**king one: we are not 18 anymore, and “tell ‘em Steve-Dave” just doesn’t have the same impact. [Gamma Squad]

Sports, Illustrated: In Celebration Of Alex Morgan’s Body Paint Bikini - Lots of swimsuits this week. Make sure you didn’t miss the one made out of paint. [With Leather]

Nicki Minaj Offended The World At The Grammys - or, “Nicki Minaj did something on purpose to make headlines because she isn’t good at music and people bought it, because people are dumb”. [Smoking Section]

Henry Rollins’ awesome letter to Chris Farley from 1995 - Sadly, not the same Chris Farley. “YOUR FILM BLACK SHEEP WAS MALICIOUS AND CAPRICIOUS.” [Film Drunk]

Inevitable ‘Who The F*ck Is Bon Iver?’ Reactions Vastly Improved By The Rise Of ‘Bonnie Bear’ & ‘Bony Bear’ - Dude should just change his band’s name to Bonnie Bear and be done with it. I’d listen to Bonnie Bear. [UPROXX]

NYU Girls’ Newt Gingrich Slumber Party - Nowhere near as awesome as Kent State’s Dennis Kucinich parties, where all the girls are 6-foot-3 vegan redheads. [Buzzfeed]

15 Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes By Comedians - “Those flowers fer yer wife fer Valentine’s Day? NOPE, just thought I’d do a lil’ mid-February gardenin’! Here’s yer sign!” – Bill Engvall [HuffPost Comedy]

Jay Z’s ‘99 Problems’ Recreated with Film Clips - See, THIS is what the Internet is for. [Brobible]

Movies That Should Get The 3D Treatment - Not gonna lie, I would go see a 3-D re-release of Snow Dogs. Country Bears, too. [Adult Swim]

20 Favorite Rom-Com Actors Under 40 - I feel like you shouldn’t be a “rom-com actor”, you should just be an actor who has appeared in a romantic comedy. Once you get into Kate Hudson territory it’s time for retirement. [Moviefone]

8 Animal Misconceptions Rundown - Number 9: Dogs can’t look up. [High Definite]

By way of Buzzfeed comes this video of Jeremy Lin doing “The Dougie” during his rookie year at Golden State. You know why? ‘Cause all his bitches love him.

This is, of course, in direct confliction with the greatest of all Dougie instructional videos — Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton doing The Dougie at a Los Angeles Clippers game, a clip so great it topped our list of the 20 Greatest Sports Moments Of 2011.

That video (as if you haven’t seen it 200 times already) is below, followed by an important question: if you could learn to Dougie from only one master, who would you choose?

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Because our hearts pump normal, human blood, we have a little crush on Western New York Flash forward Alex Morgan. Because we follow sports closely (and have Kate Upton Google Alert boobytraps set up on every corner of the Internet) we know that the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue goes on sale tomorrow, and because God is looking out for us, Alex Morgan appears in said issue wearing a painted-on bikini.

Our friends at SI Hot Clicks were kind enough to leak the photo and an interview snippet on Friday. From that interview, a condescending question with an awesome answer:

SI.com: What was more intimidating: posing in bodypaint or taking on Japan in the World Cup finals?

Morgan: I have been playing soccer my entire life. I know how to stay calm and not get too nervous for games. That’s why I would have to say posing in bodypaint was a little more intimidating. It was a completely new experience and definitely took some getting used to before I felt comfortable in bodypaint. I had to look in the mirror every five minutes to make sure I actually had a swimsuit on.

I’m still not entirely sure why the SI swimsuit issue exists. For the longest time I thought maybe female sports fans who subscribed to the magazine used it as a shopping guide of sorts to keep abreast of the latest bikini fashions, but then they started just dumping paint on ladies and glitter-gluing sand to their boobs and it lost me. I mean, it found me on a personal level, but it lost me intellectually.

Oh, and before I ramble on too much, here’s Alex Morgan wearing absolutely f**king nothing:

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… of course, I don’t see Don Draper with his pants down seductively cupping one of his balls, but what’re you gonna do?

Esquire’s website loves its unseemly SEO headlines, especially for a “a Woman We Love” (although this year’s “Kate Upton Naked Photos – Sexy Kate Upton Pics And Video” is at least a step up from last year’s “Kate Upton Pics – Kate Upton Boobs Interview”), but I can only fault them so much when their pictorial features Kate recreating Ween’s Chocolate And Cheese album cover. Also at one point she’s in the tub but there isn’t any water, confirming my speculation that Kate only bathes when she’s in tropical waters and just naturally cleans herself when she sweats.

Anyway, I don’t know how much of this you’re even going to read, but Kate is a woman Esquire loves (again), will probably be revealed as the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model at some point today (unless they’re stupid) and is the female equivalent of Jon Hamm, either in unrealistic human beauty or in the fact that she should only exist in the 60s.

Please to enjoy.

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SI’s Jimmy Traina was nice enough to link to our Kate Upton Cheeseburger-stravaganza in this morning’s Hot Clicks. This caused three things to happen:

1. Happy clapping
2. A statistically-unnecessary-but-socially-correct linkback (enjoy those hits, Monster Sports Conglomerate)
3. Me watching the video of Kate’s Beach Bunny 2012 swimwear shoot provided by the HotClicks, googling “Kate Upton” for twenty minutes and discovering the rest of the shoot we previewed on a Saturday back in January.

So at the risk of burying you in barely-related-to-sports Kate Upton posts, here are nearly two dozen shots from the Beach Bunny “Deep Blue” campaign, a video of Kate in motion to stave off those “meh, photoshop’d” trolls, and a preview of her appearance in this year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Enjoy. I hope it causes

1. Happy clapping

(but not like that)

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One of the hosts of NBC’s “The Voice” and the lead singer of Maroon 5, Adam Levine has a tendency to come off a little douchey at times, which is why he’s less than popular within the Uproxx hallways. Alas, these sites aren’t written by teenage girls merely to attract them and Levine is a popular enough celebrity to earn membership into the elite celebrity brotherhood of Los Angeles Lakers fans. Funny, he seems more like a Golden State guy.

Regardless, Levine was at the Staples Center on Christmas Day to watch the Lakers eventually choke away a late 7-point lead to Derrick Rose and the Chicago Bulls, but I can’t imagine he was too broken up over it. Sitting next to Levine was his Sports Illustrated swimsuit model girlfriend Anne Vyalitsyna, and they spent most of the game trying to attract the Mistletoe Camera. Meanwhile, I attended the Orlando Magic home opener last night and I hugged Stuff the Magic Dragon. Advantage: Burnsy.

And because we’re still in the Christmas spirit, you can check out more of Anne’s fine body of work after the jump.

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