For the US Men’s National Team to advance in the FIFA Conferderations Cup, they had to beat Egypt by three goals, and then Brazil had to beat Italy by three goals, and both of those things happened over the weekend. Sweet, we advance! We’re good now! The MNT advance out of the pool stage and will play their next game Wednesday in the semifinal against the slanty Spaniards of Spain. Spain?! Aw, no! We suck again!

Anyone ever heard the expression, “Three Spaniards, four opinions.” What the hell does that even mean?

Don Chavez and Buzzfeed had the poop on this bullfighter from Spain that was gored in the chest during a “performance” on Wednesday. From BF:

Israel Lancho is currently in serious condition after undergoing surgery for a 20cms hole, and we’re assuming the bull was put down shortly thereafter.

I can only hope that bull got on a boat and came to America, where we either kill the damn thing and throw it on the grill, or just let him hang out until we run out of other stuff to eat. If you hadn’t noticed in the image, that’s a goddamn SWORD in the bull’s back. Nothing better to do in Spain than dragging on the killing of animals for show? Michael Vick is plotting his comeback in the wrong country. F’ck Spain.

Watch the DC video after the jump, if you like. I’m sure it’s as disturbing as you’d expect it to be. But watching the rest of his clown posse drag him to medical attention is somewhat gratifying. Not that I’m bitter.
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When they’re not making slanty eyes for photographers, they’re laying (lying?) infants in the street to be hurtled in the name of Christ. Yes, it’s El Colacho, a tradition dating back to 1620 started to celebrate the beginning of the Catholic feast in the village of Castrillo de Murcia. Blockquote, por favor?

The festival has been rated as one of the most dangerous in the world. The origins of the tradition are unknown but it is said to cleanse the babies of original sin, ensure them safe passage through life and guard against illness and evil spirits.^[7][8][9] Pope Benedict has asked priests in Spain to distance themselves from the El Colacho, or Baby Jumping Festival, after a recent tragic accident where babies were endangered and a 92 year old man was killed.^{[citation needed]}

Wow, I never would have guessed that the old man would have died. That said, jumping over a baby is not that hard. I’ve successfully jumped over 99 babies out of 100 attempts. Of course, everyone wants to keep bringing up that one mistake. That’s just the kind of society we live in.

|A is for Afro…J is for Jacks, via Christmas Ape|

One of the nice things about Europe, you know, aside from the fact that you could sit on your ass all day on the government’s dime, is that they don’t have the big stigma about alcohol. I blame the mothers of all the lightweight drinkers that die in car crashes. And the fact that our professional sports teams have never paid out bonuses in beer.

The Spanish players will each receive their weight in beer from sponsor Cruzcampo after winning Euro 2008 at Austria and Switzerland in June. Liverpool goalkeeper Pepe Reina will be the happiest after tipping the scales at 95.6 kilograms (211 pounds). Villarreal winger Santi Cazorla is the lightest player on the squad at 70.4 kilograms (155 pounds).

The grand total? 1,742 liters for the 23 players on the roster – the equivalent of 5,200 bottles.

This is almost as sweet as the deal for the North Koreans, who were paid their weight in 14-year-old girls. And to think my uncle did time for having that same idea. No wonder he always had so much candy in his glove compartment.

[Machochip, via FOX Sports]

It turns out it wasn't just members of the Spanish basketball teams making slant-eye gestures in some photographs posted online. No, even the more genteel sports were getting in on the act. 

From Fanhaus:

The above photo, taken directly from the Spanish Tennis Federation's web site, shows Spanish tennis players and coaches in the "slant-eyed" pose before their Federation Cup match against China in April. It carries the caption, "Estamos preparados para China," or "We prepare for China."

Before you rush to judgment (that's what hot-tempered Spanish people do) consider that the Chinaman may have doctored these photos to engender sympathy during these games. He has a history of forgery, does he not? He is furtive and deceptive by nature, with his snake-like Fu Manchu mustache and mystic oriental secrets. What's that, you want me to take a picture with the Spanish soccer team? I thought you'd never ask! Smirre!

We close the book on the rain-soaked, freaky-ceremonied Euro 2008 tournament with a final round of congratulations to the Spaniards.  Inarguably the tourney's best team, Spain's European title will only add to the expectations piled on the shoulders of Cesc Fabregas and Fernando Torres at the 2010 World Cup.

And if a World Cup title means more Spaniards dancing around in their underwear and spraying champagne on each other, then I'd like to get in line for the bandwagon now.  Because if there's one thing I love, it's tight-bodied, champagne-soaked soccer players celebrating in their underwear.  Listen, it's not gay; they're just celebrating each other's athletic prowess.  Surely we can all appreciate that.

[The Sporting Blog]