Aleksander Emelianenko is fighting Bob Sapp. It is going to be amazing.

As Cage Potato phrased it, it’s one of the most notorious can-crushers in MMA history against its most notorious can, and the only pertinent question is “will Alexander throw or land a punch before Sapp drops and pretends to be incapacitated.” My cat could knock out Bob Sapp by jumping onto his lap.

To hype the fight, Emelianenko has gone into outer space to punch-murder sand pirates. I mean, that’s what I pieced together by watching this video. I don’t speak Russian, so maybe I’m wrong. Check it out for yourself, and ponder how hilarious Bob Sapp’s return diss is gonna be if the opening blow is “I cannot be held in the chains of space sand pirates.”

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Lana. LANA!

Sports On TV is in the Danger Zone.

Our look at the best sports moments from shows that aren’t necessarily about sports takes on FX’s ‘Archer’ this week, and if there’s a show the kids at UPROXX love more than ‘Archer,’ I’d like to see it. Inside, you’ll find one of the most clever, obscure, expertly-written shows on television. You’ll also find lacrosse jokes about rock bands from the 1990s, a guy trying to play baseball in space, Ultimate Bum Shock Fights (which are exactly what they sound like), Siamese fighting fish, and more.

So please click through and-or enjoy Sports On TV: ‘Archer’s’ 15 greatest sports moments.

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The Toronto Maple Leafs haven’t touched the Stanley Cup in 46 years. That’s not the worst of it — they haven’t touched the playoffs since 2004, when they went out in game 6 of round 2 in a 3-2 overtime loss to the Philadelphia Flyers. This year, the drought is over. Well, the playoffs one. We’re still a long way from the Stanley Cup. The Leafs are playoffs bound, and folks like CBC Sports are having fun pointing out how ridiculously different life is since that final, sad game 6:

You won’t see a photo of Belfour making a save in Game 6 posted on Instagram, because it was still six years away from being invented. In fact, Instagram started as an iPhone app, and the first-generation iPhone was still three years away from introduction.

No one has ever tweeted about a Leafs playoff game. Twitter was still almost two years away from launch when the Leafs were eliminated by the Flyers. (via CBC)

Hey, look, I can play: Nobody ever made a Vine video about a Leafs Stanley Cup win, because computers weren’t a thing in 1967. With Leather has never written about a Maple Leafs Cup victory because Brandon was still over a decade away from being born!

Anyway, Leafs fans are taking advantage of this playoffs miracle by getting out all the ridiculous questions, ideas and requests they’ve been holding inside since 2004. For example, have you ever wondered how far the International Space Station has traveled in orbit since then? SOMEBODY HAS.

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I know, I know. You came to With Leather, saw a sorta-sports-related story being animated and thought it was from Next Media Animation in Taiwan. You click expecting Felix Baumgartner to get shoved out of his balloon by a panda, clip an angel version of Tim Tebow on the way down and land on a bed of spikes.

But no, not today. Today, we share CGI dramatizations for science.

Watch the CGI clip for Felix Baumgartner’s World Record Supersonic Freefall.

Baumgartner reached an estimated speed of 1,357.6 km/h or 843.6 mph(Mach 1.25) jumping from the stratosphere, which when certified will make him the first man to break the speed of sound in freefall and set several other records while delivering valuable data for future space exploration.

The only real question about Baumgartner’s jump (now that “will he die” and “omg, is he going to fall out of space and die” have been answered) is, “When are we going to see the GoPro footage?” They put a camera in his helmet for the jump, right? They put GoPro cameras on pro wrestlers and dogs playing fetch these days, of COURSE if a guy was going to execute a corporately-sponsored jump to his Space Doom they’re going to outfit him with a dozen recording devices.

Make it happen, Red Bull. Or at least get somebody to speak in Taiwanese over your info videos.

[via DoobyBrain]

In what we have dubbed one of our most important and biggest sports moment of 2012, and according to my team of hard-working fact-checkers, Austrian daredevil and Red Bull pimp Felix Baumgartner flew to the edge of the Earth, approximately 24 miles above the ground, and jumped from his tiny capsule to earn the title of the Craziest Bastard That You’ll See This Year. Baumgartner’s leap from space featured him breaking the sound barrier and reaching a speed of mach 1.24, so naturally he reached out to some experts before that fateful October day.

Specifically, Baumgartner sat down with astronaut legend Neil Armstrong to discuss the ins and outs of what it’s like to travel in space, and by our standards, they discussed possibly the second most important thing that anyone would need to know about being in space.

Felix — who jumped from the stratosphere during the Red Bull Stratos project — was in L.A. yesterday, and revealed that he met with astronaut Neil Armstrong before his October jump … and the topic of conversation was space-logs.

According to Felix, zero-gravity dumping is a serious issue … and Neil and other astronauts agree — you just don’t drop a deuce in space unless you absolutely have to. (Via TMZ)

After our last check-in with TMZ, I’m a little disappointed in the lack of innuendo. Space logs? Boring. I expected at least one Chocolate Rain reference. As for the most important thing that they could have discussed, it’s sex. Ain’t a dude out there about to travel to space who isn’t going to wonder if some green alien babe with three boobs might find him and need his help in repopulating her planet. Any astronaut that denies that thought is lying.

Check out Baumgartner’s description of what happens if he needs to make a peepee or a poopy after the jump.

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