I almost called him “The Ndamukong Suh Of Football.” Remember when Suh fell down and his leg just happened to float straight up into the air, find itself directly in front of Matt Schaub’s junk and kick “for stability” because it’d become sentient and detached from the rest of Suh’s body?
Meet Pepe, the
hobby horse Portuguese professional footballer for Real Madrid who has similar magic nut-crushing leg problems. Here we see him getting frustrated and kung-fu kicking backwards, accidentally stomping Celta Vigo’s Soto Roberto Lago in the dick. I’m sure he didn’t meant to do it — I don’t think soccer players would ever intentionally hurt one another — but hey, sometimes your leg’s brain goes AWOL and makes it boondoggle the nearest pair of balls.
If he didn’t do it on purpose, my theory is that he was going for this: