YOU MADE ME BLEED MY OWN FEELS

Pre-show notes:

- Comments, shares, likes, and what-have-you are appreciated. Do me a solid. I’m writing a lot of words for your enjoyment.

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- If you’re going to WrestleMania this year … hey, so are we! Me, Best and Worst of Impact’s Danielle, GIFmaster General THESTINGER and pretty much everyone else from the online wrestling world will be there, so if you will be too, let one of us know. We’ll do a thing. Even if that thing is “make sure we all sit together at Chikara.”

Please click through to enjoy the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for February 25, 2013.

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I’m just slumming it on the sports blog until they make me full-time over at Gamma Squad, so I’m excited to announce that NASCAR beauty Danica Patrick will be appearing alongside Sonic the Hedgehog in the upcoming multi-platform kart racer Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed. Wait, no I’m not, I think it’s the stupidest f**king news I’ve ever heard.

But no, seriously, Danica will be a playable character in a game where a hedgehog who can run super fast decides to race people in a car (?) that turns into a boat and then into an airplane. You know, instead of running. She’ll appear alongside such luminaries as Amigo the Maracas Monkey, the taxi driver from Crazy Taxi and “Gilius Thunderhead”, which I’m guessing was Danica’s name before she became a driver.

Quick, try to decide which of these statements was most written by a public relations team!

“It’s a very exciting experience since I’ll be sharing the screen with such an iconic character,” said Danica Patrick. “I cannot wait for gamers to jump into my customized, transformable vehicles and give Sonic a run for his rings this holiday season!”

“Danica Patrick is one of the most popular athletes in the world and her accomplishments both on and off the track make her the perfect partner for Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed,” said Masanao Maeda, President and COO, SEGA of America.

I can’t decide which is harder to believe, the fact that the Japanese COO of SEGA thought “that lady racecar driver people know” would be perfect for his monkeys in hovercrafts garbageware game or that Danica Patrick said the phrase “jump into my customized, transformable vehicles and give Sonic a run for his rings this holiday season” in real life. The full picture of Danica on the Sonic stock car she’ll be driving during the O’Reilly Auto Parts Challenge on November 3 at the Texas Motor Speedway is below, because video games!

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Who died and put Kevin Smith in charge of creativity?

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Links

Cocky 17-Year-Old Gets Ruined In A Rap Battle With His English Teacher - Laughing my ass off at “Blizzard”. What’re you, a fake rapper from an episode of Clone High? [Buzzfeed]

Are These NCAA Helmet Concepts Better Than Current Designs? - I bought a tablet! Look at these helmets! They’ve got lens flares! Blergh! [Brobible]

Twelve Reasons Why NBC Is a Last-Place Network - Reason thirteen: nobody at the network has invited me over to meet and take pictures with Aubrey Plaza. Reason fourteen: Aubrey Plaza has never kissed me on the mouth. [Warming Glow]

Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Specifically The Province of Skyrim - Now I really want to run into Pimpbot 5000 in a Dwemer Ruin. [Gamma Squad]

Channing Tatum Showed Rachel McAdams His Dong - Channing Tatum shows us his dong every time he makes a movie. He calls it “acting”. [Film Drunk]

Meme Watch: Sudden Clarity Clarence Finally Gets It - A guy with an upset look on his face with the caption “oh my god I left the clothes in the washer” is the closest I’ve ever come to being in a meme. [UPROXX]

This Is How You Place An Order At Sonic - I wonder how many times I missed someone “going viral” as a teenager by just rolling my eyes at people like this instead of taping them? [UPROXX]

Redbox Gives Warner Bros The One-Finger Salute - Hey guys, I want something that is exactly like Netflix, only I’d have to drive to the Walgreens down the street and stand in the parking lot for several minutes before it’d let me watch a movie. Any ideas? [Smoking Section]

Kate Upton Is The Best Person Ever At Eating Cheeseburgers - If you missed this, please click the link. We only update about Kate so many times each day. [With Leather]

Is Kristen Bell’s Sloth Meltdown Meme-Worthy? - No? It’s just nice. Stop making things memes! [The FW]

25 Things That Have Happened Since Meryl Streep Won Her Most Recent Oscar - I was two, if that matters. Holy sh*t that was a long time ago. That was what, 1928? [Moviefone]

The Best Gallery of Soul Calibur Cosplay in Existence - Hot girls dressed like Mortal Kombat characters > people dressed like Soul Calibur things. Unless it’s Link. Girls dressed like Link are the BEST. [Unreality]