In yesterday’s Top Sports Moments of 2011 feature, I pointed out that New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has already proven time and again that he does relationships right. While other athletes have been taken to the cleaners by their wives in divorces because of infidelities, Jeter just brings home whichever girl or girls he wants, does his thing and then sends them home with an autographed ball in the morning. And you would think that a guy as wealthy and smart as Michael Jordan would have caught on to that logic by now, but you’d be wrong.

Jordan proposed to his girlfriend of 3 years Yvette Prieto sometime around Christmas, and that’s a good thing if you’re into that whole “love” idea. But I’m a capitalist, and I know that if I had already lost $186 million in my first divorce (Jordan was married to his first wife Juanita for 18 years before they divorced in 2007), I wouldn’t be so quick to get married again, especially when I’m now worth billions and own a NBA franchise.

I know, I’m playing the role of Scrooge here, and I should be happy for Air Jordan that he found love again, this time with a smoking hot Cuban model. But I just can’t help but think that somewhere Kobe Bryant is reading this post and whispering, “You gotta be f*cking kidding me.”

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"Don't do it, broseph."

Providing further evidence that hiking serves no purpose, 64-year old Amos Wayne Richards picked up a copy of 127 Hours recently, and James Franco’s gritty performance totally inspired him. The film, of course, tells the story of hiker Aron Ralston, who decided to go hiking in Utah’s Little Blue John Canyon by himself and eventually had to amputate his own arm with a broken credit card after being trapped under a boulder for, well, 127 hours.

So Richards decided to take a trip to Little Blue John Canyon and go hiking by himself. Wanna take a guess at what happened next?

Canyonlands National Park rangers found Richards four days later. Along with the leg injury, he had dislocated his shoulder but was able to work it back into place.

“It took me about three or four minutes to work my shoulder and get it back in place, and once I got it back in place, I stood up and realized my ankle hurt a little bit,” Richards told WBTV in Charlotte, N.C.

Without cellphone service and only two protein bars to eat, Richards began crawling back to his car across the rocky terrain. He filled his water bottles with rain as he painstakingly retraced his steps, eventually dragging himself almost five miles.

(Via the Los Angeles Times)

Broken leg. Four days crawling across the desert in the middle of Bumblefart, Utah. All because he was inspired by a movie about a guy who already got trapped in the desert. I may not be the most fitness-crazy guy, nor do I really give a squat about nature (hooray technology!), but I’ve been told they have machines at gyms that can simulate this kind of exercise and adventure. Hell, if you want the experience of losing a limb, I’ll run you over in the parking lot. Beats the crap out of traveling 2,500 miles.

On Saturday, Dutch cyclist Laurens ten Dam became the latest Tour de France rider to earn semi-household name status for crashing, after he took a face-first dive in Stage 14 and finished the day’s effort with a mangled grill. He not only finished the stage but he was able to bounce back and start Stage 15 the next day with no problems other than a mild inability to eat food. Unfortunately, whereas Johnny Hoogerland’s barbed wire tangle last week earned him intermediate “that’s pretty metal” status, we can’t yet afford ten Dam the same luxury.

It turns out that ten Dam has a bit of a reputation for accidents. In addition to this weekend’s spill, ten Dam missed last year’s Tour de France because of a serious accident at the 2010 Tour de Suisse, in which he broke two vertebrae, fractured his wrist and chin, and suffered a severe concussion. Only a few months before that, ten Dam crashed and injured his hip and head in the final stage of the Ruta del Sol. In 2009, ten Dam was part of a big crash at the the Vuelta a Espana race, as he injured his back but was able to continue on.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you see Laurens ten Dam riding a bike, cross the street.

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