Here’s 19-year-old FK Željezničar Sarajevo midfielder Nermin Zolotić, a man with pro-level soccer skills, a team name that is extremely difficult to type and only one functioning leg. What happened to the other one, you may ask?

Bosnian international player Nermin Zolotic suffered a horrible leg injury during his side’s Zeljeznicar clash against Zrinjski on 4/10/2013. Please pray for this boy, this looks really bad

If you watch the clip, you can see his opponent step down directly onto the ankle, snapping it and leaving poor Zolotic lying on the field to roll around in shock. You can’t even freak out when something like this happens, you just have to sit there with your arms out until somebody wanders over and carts you away. The pain and agony comes later. I don’t think the human brain can process anything deeper than, “welp, my leg is jelly.”

I would offer to pray, but I’m not sure I can properly pronounce Nermin’s name, and I don’t want some other guy in Bosnia to have a super-powered left ankle because I willed it.

[h/t to Dirty Tackle]

Fighters Luke Rockhold and Daniel Cormier took in a San Jose Earthquakes soccer game, palled around with the mascot a little and participated in the ceremonial First Goal, which is like the first pitch at a baseball game, but with your legs. As if guided by the hand of God himself, one of the kicks sent a soccer ball crashing into a big fuzzy blue guy’s genitals, and good lord, how would I not blog that?

UFC fighter Luke Rockhold didn’t score the ceremonial “First Goal” at the San Jose Earthquakes’ match vs. Vancouver Whitecaps FC, but he did leave his mark by drilling club mascot ‘Q’ in the groin. Fellow UFC fighter Daniel Cormier did find the net with his attempt.

More like Luke Cuckold, am I right?

Daniel Cormier’s next stop is his UFC debut against Frank Mir at UFC on Fox 7 on April 20. Rockhold’s next stop is his UFC debut against Vitor Belfort at May’s UFC on FX 8. Q’s next stop is the infirmary, assuming they have some kind of mascot version of that, and assuming the mascot infirmary is mature enough to repair a dude’s junk.

[h/t to Maggie at Cagewriter]

If AC Milan star Mario Balotelli is best known for anything it’s being an amazing soccer player. After that, it’s probably being a bit of a skirt-chasing party animal and his relationship(s) with Raffaella Fico. And a close runner-up to that is being the target or horrific, inexcusable racial hate at the hands of opposing fans and media outlets. And then maybe his ridiculous camouflage Bentley, because that’s what I always think of when someone mentions his name.

Then again, some people might also suggest that he’s best known for being a headache and malcontent with a history of strange behavior, but he has almost always shrugged that off. Perhaps he’s also shrugging off this weekend’s latest run of headaches, which included a yellow card, tantrum and a probable fine from the Italian government.

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Around the same time that someone in the New York Mets organization said, “Hey we should do one of those Harlem Shake videos”, the crazy kids of the Internet were already neck deep in the latest meme – Hadouken’ing or Kamehameha’ing, depending on whom you ask. In this sudden photo craze, people pretend like they’re hitting their friends with energy blasts, to which I assume that our old friend Zhang Feng just laughed and said, “Pretend all you want” before blasting a hole shaped like his hand in the side of a mountain.

The first apparent sports team to try its hand, or should I say feet *snorts*, at this new meme is Japan’s Yokohama F.Marinos football club. Players Shingo Hyodo and Manabu Saito pulled off their own tributes to Street Fighter or Dragon Ball Z, and the club posted them to Twitter. Needless to say, when one sports team does something cool and new, dozens if not hundreds will follow.

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I always appreciate when things get added to soccer to make it more difficult — random MMA rules, firecrackers, whatever — but my new favorite unnecessary soccer accoutrement is BLINDFOLDS, because apparently telepathic soccer is a thing. You know, like when Luke put on a helmet and tried to block shit with his lightsaber in Star Wars. Exactly like that.

Legendary Manchester United strikers Dwight Yorke and Andrew Cole put Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck and Javier Hernandez to the test in a Telepathic Football challenge organised by bwin, the club’s official online gaming and betting partner.

All joking aside, it’s a really cute and endearing clip, and no amount of Believing In My Partner could will me to score a soccer goal in pitch blackness. Pun intended. But no, I couldn’t kick a soccer ball out of the air if you let me use all five senses, stood five feet in front of me and calmly said, “I’m going to lob the ball at your foot now.”

I think the next step should be to organize a completely blindfolded (emblindfoldened?) game, with people just running and kicking blindly into each other. Put blindfolds on the fans, too, and let them react to bone break noises and headbutt echoes. Do the entire thing telepathically, is what I’m saying. Let’s just stay home and pretend soccer!

[h/t to Dirty Tackle]

This heavyset gentleman who looks like he was filmed with a toaster is Andrew Cassidy, aka “Fat Guy Has Amazing Football Skills.” Think of him like Will Keith, the destroying food with ninja weapons guy, only instead of weapons he uses his feet, and instead of destroying food, he destroys minds. Or, uh, expectations. Or minds.

Here was his first appearance, in a Flip video shot with hilarious Attack The Block-style dialogue, wherein local street youths can’t believe what they’re seeing. EW DA FOCK IS E??

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