"I'm not naked! I TRICKED YOU into thinking I was! Point, Solo."

Back in 2011, Hope Solo was the greatest. She was helping sell women’s soccer to America and posing nude in ESPN The Magazine with a garden hose, simultaneously taking the world by storm as both sports hero and sex symbol. She was an awesome combination of talent and gigantic beauty, and it was fun to write about her on the Internet.

After that, things started to get … complicated. She went on ‘Dancing With The Stars,’ but ultimately claimed the show was rigged and that her partner had physically abused her. She married NFL tight end Jerramy Stevens, a guy previously convicted with assault and accused of rape, immediately after he’d been taken in for assaulting her. She also sorta ratted out everyone in the Olympics.

In 2013, Hope continues her slow descent into being the soccer Amanda Bynes by (accidentally?) tweeting her phone number, then using it as an excuse to tell us we are stupid.

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Earlier today, FIFA president Sepp Blatter started to get a little … weird on Twitter. His tweets went from “my thoughts are with the Dominica coach who died in a car accident” to I AM STEALING MONEY GO F**K YOURSELF QATAR pretty quickly, and shortly thereafter @FIFAWorldCup began tweeting about how FIFA executives had “held a meeting regarding the decision to host the 2022 World Cup in Qatar” and that Blatter would “step down due to corruption charges.” That was followed by increasingly suspicious tweets as the next hour rolled on, but soccer guys are basically the weirdest people in sports, so we weren’t really sure if this was his account being hacked or Sepp settling into some weird scandal and/or mental fit.

Here’s a look at those tweets:

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We use the “REASONS TO HATE SOCCER” tag pretty liberally at With Leather, but this has been one of the worst-ever weeks to be a soccer fan. The embarrassment ranges from flopping shame all the way up to fans slicing open their own players’ heads with beer bottles, so it’s only fitting that Friday would feature the crown jewel of any depressing soccer week: the stadium-wide riot.

Here’s the gist: Gremio played Huachipato in a Copa Libertadores group stage match and tied up 1-1. Not something you’d think would cause a bunch of macho posturing, right? Well, apparently Gremio manager Vanderlei Luxemburgo started laughing at/antagonizing/making snide remarks to Huachipato manager Jorge Pellicier. The Huachipato players decide to kick his ass, but Luxemburgo thinks he’s in the clear and jogs away with a smile on his face. He runs into a bunch of riot cops, however, and with nowhere to go just kinda falls down and receives stage 1 of a riot ass-whomping. That causes every fan, player and ball boy within a mile radius to charge in and start fighting and it was all extremely necessary.

Luxemburgo’s explanation:

“None of this was necessary,” Luxemburgo said.

Oh, sorry.

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Meet Sporting Kansas City’s Jimmy Nielsen. He’s lying on the ground because a soccer ball touched him. In soccer. The sport where he’s a goalkeeper. The guy who stands in front of soccer balls and lets them hit him.

Juninho of the New York Red Bulls decided for whatever reason to kick a dead ball at Nielsen. It hit Jimmy in the chest, so of course he went totally limp, collapsed to the ground and pretended it hit him in the face. Maybe stopping a soccer ball is a “nails on a chalkboard” thing, or smelling your own farts. When you’re in control of it, it’s fine. When somebody else does it, it’s the end of the world, and all you can do is lie motionless until everyone involved has been removed.

Soccer, everybody. Video is after the jump.

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It wasn’t a great weekend for Texas sports. Aside from the horrible stuff that went down at the NRA 500, the generally serene-ish FC Dallas Stadium got violent when a player from … uh, FC Dallas scored a game-winning goal. Yeah, I don’t know.

George John scored the game-winner on a header, and before he could even get out of the net and celebrate, a fan tossed some garbage onto the field and sliced him in the back of the head.

John, 26, headed home the game’s only goal in the 87th minute, but he barely had time to celebrate. The bottle hit him as he took his first steps out of the Galaxy goal, and he fell straight to the ground.

“I knew something hit me,” John said. “I wasn’t quite sure what happened, if I ran into the post or what, but then I looked down and saw a beer bottle and I was like that had to of hit me. I felt [my head] and there was a ridge and then I was like ‘Yes, something hit me for sure.’ Luckily I didn’t need stitches and I was able to stay in and finish out the game.” (via NESN)

If you watch the video (included after the jump), it looks like a water bottle hits him in the chest and he flops, lying around holding his head while the time runs out. And then as the video progresses you see him get up with blood all over the back of his head. So … no.

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Good morning! How was your weekend? Meet Utrecht centerback Mike van dor Hoorn, a man who turned “stumbling uncontrollably” into a goal scored. On his own team. It’s happening in slow motion no matter how you watch it. So just remember: no matter how bad your Monday gets, it could be worse. You could be Mike van dor Hoorn. (via Dirty Tackle)

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Links

‘SNL’ Recap: Vince Vaughn And Miguel |Warming Glow|

Justin Bieber Went To The Anne Frank House, Wrote ‘She Would Have Been A Belieber’ In Guest Book |UPROXX|

Scary Movie 5 Ripped Off Idiocracy’s Joke about Putting Butt Stuff in Your Mouth |Film Drunk|

A New Reason To Love The Houston Texans: Texans Cheerleaders Are Fandangoing |With Leather|

The Debut Trailer For ‘Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon’ Is A Sausage-Stuffed, 80s Cartoon-Aping Bit Of Wonderful |Gamma Squad|

You Will Watch PSY’s “Gentleman” Video Because He Farts And Forces A Woman To Smell It |Smoking Section|

NFL Players as Superheroes part 3, Return of the Puns |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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