I almost called it “Boom, Headshot”.

This clip (by way of Dan Steinberg of The Washington Post) teaches a valuable lesson — if you are brave enough to run out onto the grass at FedEx Field during a U.S./Brazil friendly and start knee-sliding around in front of 67,000 people, don’t expect the police to calmly waltz up and arrest you. The soccer guys are friendly, not the cops. The video title describes it as “MUST SEE POLICE BRUTALITY”, but it’s closer to “MUST HIT THIS GUY AS HARD AS I CAN BECAUSE FOR F**K’S SAKE WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP DOING THIS”.

As an added bonus, here are a few other fans at the game freaking the hell out and getting arrested. Apparently one of the women in the clip bit a police officer. The guy in the background yelling “DON’T TASE ME, BRO” is especially helpful.

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The headline “soccer fans throw firecracker at soccer player” would seem pretty normal at this point. Somebody is upset about something, they throw fire. I watch pro wrestling, I know how it goes. This clip remains unusual based on the fact that Dinamo Bucharest’s own fans tossed fire at one of their players, and that he completely ignored it and nobody stopped playing. Baseball stops if someone feels a light drizzle. Soccer continues DESPITE FIRE. I’m starting to see why people like this game so much.

I had an experience like this during my first ever live soccer game this weekend. I drove up from Austin to see FC Dallas take on Real Salt Lake. That’s “ree-al” Salt Lake, not “real” like the word “real.” Anyway, thunder and crazy lightning and loads of rain happened, and the announcer gets on the PA system and tells us the game has been called due to extreme weather, and that we should flee the stadium immediately and take cover in our cars. The guys on the field just kept playing, and played for about eight minutes in this until somebody made them stop, possibly because we were all still sort of standing around about to die from lightning.

So, yeah, soccer. Who knew?

[H/T Dirty Tackle]

In a story that might as well be called “this is why we can’t have nice things,” police were called to an end-of-season awards dinner at London’s Grosvenor House Hotel to investigate disturbances brought on by West Ham striker Demba Ba’s refusal to sign an autograph. A melee ensued, with glasses and plates being broken. Guardian UK says the situation was nothing:

The Metropolitan Police confirmed they were called to investigate an incident at around 9.15pm last night. “Officers attended the scene but no obvious or serious offences were alleged,” said a Met spokesman. “The situation calmed down very quickly.”

…but Demba Ba’s story is CRAZY different, to the point that Demba Ba might be experiencing life in a parallel universe. It involves racial abuse, Hulkian strength and Intermittent explosive disorder. Via The Telegraph:

“I signed his autograph, then he asked me, nicely, how I was feeling,” Ba said in an interview with Talksport. “I said I was tired from the Wigan game because it was a tough game. He said he was tired of watching us play every week. … I was surprised, and explained it to [Manuel] Da Costa, pointing out who had said it. But when the guy saw me talking to Da Costa he was screaming, all over the place.

“All of a sudden he starts screaming at me, like crazy. He kept on screaming and some players dragged me away and tried to calm him down. He was smashing some tables, it was crazy.”

I guess the lesson here is that fans can turn on you on a dime whether you sign their autograph or not, and that everybody in soccer hates everybody else in soccer.

During last night’s heated NBA playoffs, a 26-year-old man tried to assault Celtic manager Doc Rivers, who — wait, I’m not reading this right. European papers never provide context, they just assume I know who everybody is. No, Glasgow’s Celtic F.C. manager Neil Lennon was assaulted by a fan during a Scottish football match on Wednesday night, landing a glancing blow before being taken down by security.

The best part is that the guy was attacking on behalf of a team called “Heart.” The full name of the team is “Heart of Midlothian,” which sounds like something Dracula would task you to find. Check out a video recap of the incident below.

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I left on all the watermarks in the hope that you'd believe I didn't make this.

What’s better than reading about soccer on the Internet? Reading what happens when a soccer player signs up for Twitter expecting a circle jerk and gets nothing but vulgar insults in return. That’s what happened to Manchester United midfielder Darron Gibson, who started networking socially @dgibbo28 and deleted his account in a Miley Cyrus style personal nightmare no more than two hours later.

Some of the choice Tweets include:

Darron Gibson @dgibbo28 is on Twitter, a traitor to his country and a s**** footballer.

@dgibbo28 You are a abysmal excuse for a footballer. You’re a one trick pony – a s*** one at that. What Fergie sees in you I do not know…

@dgibbo28 hasn’t tweeted yet. Seems somewhat fitting after the countless anonymous performances we’ve seen the “footballer”.

@dgibbo28 your performance on saturday was one of the worst I’ve ever seen of any utd player. scared of the ball much?

@dgibbo28 team do all hard work keeping possession then u hit row Z every f**** time!!

@dgibbo28 the biggest compliment i can give you is that you are better than Carrick

The final straw was a Tweet that read “nothing would make me happier than if we sold you this summer.” Not even a Team Bring It-style “show him some love” from teammate Rio Ferdinand could turn the tide, and now Gibson’s big memory of soccer fans on the Internet is that they’re extremely angry and passionate about soccer, to the point of hate and mania. You know, like soccer fans in real life.

I’m a little disappointed that Gibson didn’t leave his account active, but post “I’m leaving forever, goodbye!” so he could keep refreshing and see who begged him to stay.

A soccer match between the Brazilian teams Boa and UEC received a little interruption during a game last week, as a police dog ran onto the field and stole the ball. The crowd seemed to love it, but since South American soccer fans are crazy I think they may actually be chanting for someone to kill the dog because it interrupted the game. Either way, the video after the jump suggests one of two things:

1) Someone in Brazil filled a soccer ball with cocaine, and it was somehow mixed in with the game balls, and so the police dog recognized the scent and made an important discovery that crippled a massive conspiracy that featured the soccer league running drugs and laundering money through its teams as they traveled from country to country, or…

2) Brazilian police dogs are poorly trained.

I’m leaning toward No. 1. Just feels right.

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