A few weeks ago, I brought you the very strange and highly unbelievable news that champion Irish boxing brothers, Paddy and Paul Hyland, had agreed to become the first fighters under the brand new flag of Team Snooki Boxing. Sure enough, the brothers were introduced yesterday by the “Jersey Shore” star herself at McFadden’s Saloon in New York City. Of course it was at an Irish pub. Twenty bucks says she also greeted them each with a potato and told them if they behaved she would find them some work on the docks.

Also on hand was Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s father, Andy, who single-handedly destroyed my theory that there was no way this girl had a father who wasn’t living in a mental institution. In all sincere honesty, I tip my cap to Mr. Polizzi for being so supportive, because his daughter is the living, breathing proof of why I’m terrified to one day have a daughter.

Sure, she’s worth millions and she – unlike her castmates – has surrounded herself with smart people who have helped make sure she handles her money properly, and from that she’s building quite the empire for herself. But it’s how she got to where she is – she’s every father’s worst nightmare. Judging by that picture, I’d guess Andy was in his 50s. Judging by his daughter’s reputation, I’d guess he was 30.

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If the heads of the World Boxing Council, Federation and Association were looking for something that could recapture the public’s fascination and fanfare of their corrupt sport, I’m not sure this latest bit of boxing news is going to do the trick. As if it wasn’t bad enough that Floyd Mayweather was sent to jail for beating his girlfriend, thus delaying his fight with Manny Pacquiao that will never happen, the boxing world now has a promoter that rivals Don King for terrible hair… Snooki.

Team Snooki Boxing is made up of the three Irish Hyland brothers – Patrick ‘Pajo’, Eddie and Paul. Each has a long list of accomplishments and Irish championships under their belt. “We are incredibly excited to introduce The Hyland Brothers and Team Snooki Boxing,” the VP of Final Round Promotions, Mike Pascale, said. “We’ve seen what these boys can do, and expect nothing less than continued success and ‘living up to the hype’ for each of them here in the States.”

(Via the Examiner)

The brothers will fight for the first time ever on the same card in the U.S. when they take part in the “Irish Invasion” event on January 28 at the Resorts Casino Hotel in Atlantic City. “That’s awesome,” responded the elderly people who still go to Atlantic City.

Even though this seems like it’s the straight-to-DVD sequel of The Great White Hype – one of the most underrated sports movies of all-time – I’m willing to give this new promotion the benefit of the doubt. After all, for being one of the most exploited gimmick characters in TV history, Snooki has somehow created quite the empire for herself, with a best-selling book and even her own fragrance.

Above all else, Snooki being involved with boxing gives us yet another reason to post the greatest GIF in the history of the Internet.

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Links

Smell Their Feet: The Greatest Child Halloween Costumes That Will Ever Show Up At Your Door - If a child showed up to my door dressed as Sho Nuff (or Bruce Leroy, as long as I could tell it apart from a Game of Death costume) I’d give them ALL of my candy, plus whatever candy I could afford for the next year. [UPROXX]

Our Favorite Photos From Zombie Walk Toronto 2011 - “Our favorite photos” is so funny to me, like Robopanda is flipping through a bunch of polaroids going, “Well, I LIKE this one, but I don’t know if I love it.” (Hi, Robopanda) [Gamma Squad]

Frotcast 71: Spielberg, Voice Mails, Rum Diary, More Seagal or Porn Star - I’m going to debut our podcast at some point in November or die trying. [Film Drunk]

The Dugout: Jim Thome’s Back(yard) - In case you missed it yesterday, here’s a Dugout everybody likes because it has almost nothing to do with baseball. Comment on this thing! [The Dugout]

T.I. And Chelsea Handler Rekindle Their Late Night Magic - The “teen who wants to sleep with his friend’s Mom” in me really enjoys Chelsea Handler. Fantasy threesome: me, Chelsea Handler, Laura Prepon dressed as Chelsea Handler. [Smoking Section]

Meme Watch: Pick Up Line Panda Is Striking Out - Maybe Pick Up Line Panda should outfit himself with the latest technology from Cybertronics. Hi again, Robopanda. [UPROXX]

14 Punctuation Marks That You Never Knew Existed - I know that “schwah” isn’t punctuation, technically, but I hope it’s on here somewhere. [Buzzfeed]

Adult Swim’s Abstract Costume Corner - I don’t work at Adult Swim, but in my mind it’s just Bob Odenkirk and Starburns sitting in an office rolling their eyes while the interns come up with stuff like this and put it online. [Adult Swim]

Freddy Krueger Edges Out Samara Morgan In A Poll For The Scariest Horror Movie Character - You guys think I’m a pro wrestling hipster, wait until you hear my opinions about movies. Samara Morgan? Seriously? Yeah, I’m deathly terrified of your photoshop filters, guys. [FARK]

Regis Strips For Snooki - Regis shouldn’t be doing anything for Snooki. Nobody should be doing things for Snooki. Get it together, America. [AOL TV]

5 Bizarre Killing Sprees That Never Got Solved - An alternate title for “Regis Strips For Snooki”. [The Smoking Jacket]

The 50 Most Successful Box Office Stars of All Time in North America - Jim Varney is on here somewhere, right? He went to camp AND jail AND was scared so much it made him stuipd. [Pajiba]

Turning Movie Posters Into Cartoons - I don’t know why the Tazmanian Devil is in The Illusionist, but it instantly improves that film. [Unreality]

If you don’t watch terrible television, you might not know that professional wrestling is obsessed with MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore’. Is it because of the outlandish, over-the-top personalities? Is it because of the ethnic stereotyping and hand gestures? Are they just the only two shows low enough to share a denominator*?

Whatever the reason, the multi-verse Age Of Apocalypse crossover continues as TNA wrestling (the luminaries who brought you Pac-Man Jones as a tag team champion not legally cleared to wrestle) will bring on its third Jersey Shore castmate, Ronnie.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro gets in the ring with TNA’s IMPACT WRESTLING on SpikeTV! Star of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” makes his wrestling debut on Thursday, November 3. Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, star of MTV’s megahit series, “Jersey Shore,” will bring his pumping fists and bravado into the wrestling ring on TNA’s “Impact Wrestling” airing exclusively on Spike TV Thursday, November 3 at 9:00pm ET/PT.

Crossing over with mainstream audiences is a major goal for pro wrestling, with Cyndi Lauper’s participation in WWF’s Rock N’ Wrestling 1980s and Mike Tyson’s interaction with D-Generation X and Stone Cold Steve Austin in the 90s being important turning points in the medium’s popularity.

Impact Wrestling’s first attempt to bring over the Shore audience was cast member J-WOWW, who called somebody a bitch and got into a catfight. They followed that up with an appearance from former housemate Angelina, who called somebody a bitch and got into a catfight. WWE upped the Shore game by bringing in Snooki for Wrestlemania, which she built to by calling somebody a bitch and getting into a catfight. I wonder what Ronnie will end up doing?

You can check out videos of those appearances below. You know, if you hate yourself.
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The war to stock your pro wrestling show with the best available stars of Jersey Shore reaches critical mass tonight, as Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi guest stars on WWE’s Raw.  “Guest starring” on Raw means you stand in the ring, say “what’s up [town name],” and stand there smiling while they kind of cheer.

Competitor TNA Wrestling fired the first salvo (I don’t know what these phrases mean) by bringing on both JWoww and Angelina in two nonconsecutive feature roles.  To explain things analogously, Angelina is to Snooki as TNA Wrestling is to WWE.  There’s got to be a Venn diagram out there charting two big circles of stupid people and somehow proving this crossover necessary through formal logic.

WWE’s announcement makes her sound like a toddler in a tiara: “A native of Poughkeepsie, N.Y., Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is a reality television star who comes from a close-knit Italian family. Fun, outgoing, spontaneous, loving and loud are just a few words that describe this veterinary tech major, whose hobbies include cheerleading, shopping, tanning, working out, and of course always looking good.”  It’s certainly better than my announcement, which is “Snooki is a koopa troopa famous for being punched in the face and having stupid hair, and her fifteen minutes of comedy segment will take 25 seconds away from the already 70-seconds long Daniel Bryan match.”

I want this war to end.  I don’t want to put on Dreamslam 2 and suddenly notice The Situation retroactively cornering for Kandori and Sawai, looking for Victory Through Guts, Tanning and Laundry.

I have never watched an episode of the Jersey Shore, but I’m fully aware of the terrible legacy that MTV has established by introducing the world to people like Snooki, J-Woww, the Situation, Vinny, Pauly D, and those other people. And that makes me sad, because I wish I’d never heard of them. Sometimes I really admire the Amish and backwoods hillbillies for not owning TVs, but without one I wouldn’t have been able to drool over the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last night. Such a double-edged sword.

I also try not to keep up with tabloid gossip, but in this biznass it’s nearly impossible, so I’m well aware that when this calendar year wraps up, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will have made $5 million while having no discernible talents. The guy gets paid to show up to places and point at his stomach, for which I’m not knocking him. Good for him. I wish I could get paid to show up places and hip thrust. Instead, I get banned from Baby GAP. But as much as we bash the Guido culture, it’s given us a great deal of material to work with, J-Woww’s huge breasts, and Vince at FilmDrunk.

The Situation recently released his own workout DVD for the holiday season, called “The Situation Workout.” As I’m naturally ripped I have no need for such a silly product, but for those of you looking to be the best at exercising, you can pick up a copy at Amazon or in hell. In the meantime, the blooper reel from his DVD has recently turned up, and not only does it showcase his glaring lack of charisma, but he also has a special friend pop up. He gets a boner, is what I’m trying to say.

Follow along after the jump for a look at the bloopers and some other fine moments in the Sitch’s exercise portfolio…

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