When small-town papers aren’t busy covering statutory rape trials, they’re making space in the Op-Ed pages for people with small-town voices.  In The Morning Call, Jacob Seibel let everyone in Lehigh Valley know that NASCAR, with its reliance on fossil fuels, is over.

NASCAR racers rip around a merry-go-round track with no destination at 200 plus mph, guzzling gas at about 5 mpg all for what? A cup? [And millions of dollars, plus the glory and pussy that comes with it - Ed.]

Some people may argue that they are making a living. By what? Driving fast? Well, they would do fine as delivery people or something that utilizes their talents without dumping endless amounts of fuel into cars that only go in circles. At least, they would then be providing a service.

The only thing that’s really surprising about this is that I don’t hear it more often, from more prominent voices, and couched in a more sensible argument.

When asked for a rebuttal, a NASCAR fan said, “I’ll kick yer commie ass, faggot!”

With the U.S. Open underway and the NFL season about to start, now would be the obvious time for Oreo to revive the Double Stuf Racing League promo with a matchup of the Williams sisters versus the Manning brothers.  Should be a close battle.  Serena's been training all her life to eat Double Stufs competitively, but I wouldn't doubt that the Mannings could lick the chrome off a trailer hitch.

[You Been Blinded via Awful Announcing] 

Come November 4, racist people won't even get the chance to come up with elaborate ways to keep black people away from the polls because God is doing it for them. Turns out Serena and Venus Williams are members of that religion that makes its adherents ride around on bikes door-to-door on the weekends and bug people. Among their other beliefs is that you're not allowed to express your political beliefs. More crazy religions should adopt that policy. 

Serena Williams would vote for Barack Obama if she could. Don't even ask Venus Williams what her political leanings are.

The Williams sisters, vocal on so many issues from fashion to gender equality and equal pay for women, say they're not allowed to vote because of their religion. The sisters, who have 14 Grand Slam singles titles between them and are among the most recognizable athletes in sports, are Jehovah's Witnesses.

Oh noes! Without celebrities and sports figures to tell me who to vote for, I might end up voting for Voltron again. He's part black, just like Barack Obama. See, America, I'm a progressive!

The Vikings' Bryant McKinnie, most recently infamous for going down on a stripper during the Sex Boat Scandal, seems to be courting Venus and Serena Williams.

The [sisters] reportedly visited the left tackle in Miami when the Vikings played the Dolphins… Word has it that Venus and Serena are coming to see McKinnie play a home game. There are only two left, this weekend's against the Jets and, McKinnie volunteered, on "New Year's Eve" against St. Louis.

Each Williams sister is a little more woman than the average man can handle, so it's good to see the 6-foot-8, 343-pound McKinnie step up to the plate. But McKinnie — so far — has been dodging direct questions.

"Can't date both of them," [McKinnie] said with a smile. "But maybe one of them."

For shame, Bryant. Did Fred Smoot teach you nothing? How many strippers must use double-headed dildos during sex boat scandals before you learn? Must history repeat itself again? I hope so. That would be awesome.