Michael Phelps was in Las Vegas over the weekend to serve as the celebrity face for the launch of the 2011 Encore Beach Club season. If that means as little to you as it does to me, it means that he got paid to swim around in a pool full of half-naked, father-hating girls. Phelps even played DJ for a bit, which automatically makes him as cool as Danny Masterson.

But this sort of behavior can only be detrimental to his public image, right Daily Mail?

In 2009 Phelps shattered his good boy image when he was pictured using a bong.

He admitted to ‘behaviour which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgement’ but his was not prosecuted in connection with the incident because there was insufficient evidence.

USA Swimming suspended Phelps from competing for three months and his endorsement contract with Kellogg’s was not renewed.

Oh yeah, that whole bong picture thing. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – any man or woman who wins 14 gold medals at the Olympics should have free reign to behave however he or she pleases. If Phelps wants to roll down Sunset Boulevard in Gravedigger with a Roman candle shoved between his butt cheeks while he throws gasoline at homeless people, then I’m all for it. In fact, we should be required to sing “God Bless America” while he does.

I always thought that if you vacation in Greece, you can pretty much have any kind of sex anywhere you want.  That's the whole point of vacationing in Greece, right?  Alas, Greek laws about public blowjob competitions are surprising Puritanical. 

Nine British women were facing prostitution charges after being arrested at the weekend for taking part in an oral sex competition in the Greek holiday island of Zakynthos, police said on Monday.  Six British and six Greek men, including two bar owners, were also charged in the incident…

The women, who came to the popular resort on holiday, had been paid to take part in the competition, which was video recorded and was to be posted on the Internet, police said.  The men were charged with encouraging obscene behavior.

This story is woefully short on details.  Sure, I learned that British chicks on holiday are cool, but where are the details of the competition?  How were they going to determine the winner?  Some people like the excitement of a race to the finish, but I've always favored a panel of judges that determine artistic and technical merit separately.  You don't want some artless dick-sucking machine to win, do you?

Note to scientists: please invent artless dick-sucking machine.