Yeah, getcha some.

As with any Super Bowl, my favorite Monday pastime is reading everyone’s analysis of what they loved and hated, but with much more enthusiasm for the latter. My reason for this is that I simply like to turn my brain off and relax a little, because by the time the biggest game of the year has finally wrapped up, I need a little breather. Basically, I agree with Arian Foster that today should be Labor Day. That said, the leader in my clubhouse for best post-Super Bowl rant thus far goes to Will Leitch and his essay on the complete meltdown by CBS’ announcing team during the blackout last night.

Between Shannon Sharpe’s broken cliché machine and Bill Cowher actually suggesting that the San Francisco 49ers should bench Colin Kaepernick in the Super Bowl, I thought my head was getting close to a Scanners moment. Hell, they should have just brought out Rick Reilly and Kaepernick’s birth mother to finish us off.

That said, it’s an otherwise slow news day, unless you count a dog parade and I always count dog parades. This weekend, the fine people of St. Louis hosted the 19th annual Beggin’ Barkus Pet Parade in Soulard, according to the folks at KSDK 5, and there was even a lobster dog. Granted, it wasn’t THE Lobster Dog, but we take what we can get.

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Back when I was in college, I used to go to the campus police bicycle auction each semester, partly because I thought it was really f*cked up that they just took random bikes that belonged to random people who may have vanished from the face of the Earth for all we know, and partly because I needed a bike. But the problem was that these bikes were all really ugly and I was poor, so I never wasted my $5 on any of them, and I just walked everywhere like Caine from Kung Fu.

I never actually wondered if those bikes were ever purchased or what eventually became of them, but for the sake of this post making sense – cycling is also a sport – I lost many nights of sleep over the years wondering if those bikes ever found homes. And now, I’m hoping that they were purchased by Israeli artist Nirit Levav, who originally focused her creativity on fashion design but eventually chose to sculpt from raw materials.

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With more than 11,000 views since being posted yesterday, “Whistle Girl (Every Day I’m Whistling)” is well on its way for being a contender for its own “This Week In YouTube Commenter Outrage” post, but it still has a ways to go with less than 20 comments. But hey, at least one of those comments is racist, and… I’m getting ahead of myself.

Focusing on the video at hand, “Whistle Girl” is the latest effort by Tunguska Yacht Club, which has previously entertained thousands of people with “Stanky Dick: Official Music Video” and the GoPro Commercial for Regular People. The video “stars” Jamaica’s Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce, who defended her 100m gold medal at the 2012 Summer Olympics, and today I also learned that her nickname is “Pocket Rocket”. That’s… nice.

I hate that I laughed at this, but sometimes the simple things are the best.

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I have a confession, and you may want to take a seat, because this is going to blow your minds. Websites like to post blogs about Kate Upton, because they’re great for traffic. I know, right? Who would have thought that attractive super models with large breasts would draw significant readers? Simply mind-boggling.

What about the opposite, though? Imagine someone writing something incredibly mean about Upton. Perhaps that she’s a disgusting, fat cow, who is committing cannibalism by eating hamburgers in Carls Jr. commercials. That would draw a lot of traffic, too, right? You bet. Just ask “Skinny Gurl” at Skinny Gossip, a site that promotes the idea that only skinny is beautiful, as runway models should be drinking straws with nipples.

Back in June, this crusader for the thin opined that Upton is everything that is wrong with America. Buckle up, it’s about to get psychotic in here.

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The gentleman above in the automobile is screeching barn owl British comedian Russell Brand, who, by all accounts, does not use drugs anymore. So I don’t really know what’s in that little baggy that this Los Angeles Dodgers fan is handing him in front of a person with a camera, but it made Brand happy enough to hug the guy, which is odd, because I don’t really make it a habit to hug random people on the street who are asking for money.

And that’s what this guy in the brand new Clayton Kershaw jersey is doing, because before he gave Brand that sweet bag of homemade sugar, he was holding a sign that reads: “Afghan war vet, need your help, thank you”. I’m not trying to say the guy’s a liar, because I have the ultimate respect for our armed servicemen, but I gotta think there’s something fishy about a guy begging for money in a $100 jersey and a fat silver chain.

But maybe he could reach out to Kershaw and offer to sell him some of his homemade sugar. I’ll bet a bigtime athlete like Kershaw would love to help his No. 1 fan.

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Locals and wildlife nerds are baffled today as they try to determine the cause of death for a gray whale that recently washed ashore in Camano Island, Washington. But because it’s a blogger’s duty to make any and every reference possible to The Simpsons, Arrested Development, The Wire and especially Seinfeld, this story is worth mentioning because of what was found inside the whale…

A gray whale found dead in Washington state’s Puget Sound had been feeding on shrimp and also had some debris, including a golf ball, in its stomach, but scientists don’t know what killed the animal. (Via the Atlanta Journal Constitution)

Doctors once found a golf ball in Paris Hilton’s stomach, but she was also holding a garden hose, so it made sense. This whale, though, is simply a mystery.

The garbage was minimal and not the cause of death, which remains under investigation with tissue tests, spokesman Brian Gorman said. It’s common for whales to pick up debris near urban areas because they are filter feeders. There were no signs of trauma or entanglement on the whale, he said.

Well you can rule out “dating Chris Brown” as a cause of death. *high fives self, whispers “Slow news day” to dog*

The whale’s corpse will be cleaned and most likely shipped to a university so that it can be handled examined by hundreds of college students… *pause* just like your mother. Take us away, unnecessary Alison Brie GIF!

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