All right, news cycle: I don’t like you, and you don’t like me.  But you better start churning out some athlete arrests and sexy coaching scandals and cheerleader pudding wrestling leagues, or I’m going to be forced to do an image gallery of Marisa Miller wearing thigh-highs.

…

Nothing, eh?  All right, FINE.  Then Marisa Miller pictures it shall be.  She has a bike, you see.  Thus, it is relevant to the world of sports.  In fact, a recent study conducted by my boner found her to be the most compelling figure in the cycling world.  Even bigger than that one guy.  You know, whatshisface.  White guy, always riding a bike?

[NS4W -- note: link has NSFW ads]

Here's a picture of a horse with a soccer ball. 

Lance sent it to me after he made bail the other day, and I was like, "When the hell am I possibly going to use this?"  And the answer, I've since learned, is: on a really fucking slow day.  But it's a good excuse to link to Horse Hater again, just because it's fun to say, "Nice shoes, asshole!"

Welp, nothing's really going on today, which is a step up from non-stop Mitchell Report news, but not as fun as lot of stories about high school coaches being sexual predators. So here's comedian Daniel Tosh talking about end zone celebrations, LIVESTRONG bracelets, and some other non-sports-related stuff, including masturbation and poo jokes that I appreciated.  Whatever, man.  It's Friday.  You think I'm gonna bust my ass writing jokes when this guy's telling a bunch of them for me?  Now I know how high school history teachers felt when Gettysburg came out on VHS.

Good news (maybe) for Boston fans: 40-year-old starting pitcher Curt Schilling has signed a one-year deal to remain a Red Sox.  A Red Sock?  A Red Stocking!

[Schilling and the Sox] have reached an agreement on a one-year deal worth about $8 million in base salary and millions more in potential incentives, ESPN The Magazine's Buster Olney reports. The agreement is pending Schilling, 40, passing a physical exam.

The deal contains $3 million in performance bonuses based on innings pitched and $2 million based on weight clauses.

Weight clauses?  Look out.  Bartolo Colon got rich off those.

Anyway, I, for one, look forward to one more season from the reclusive Schilling.  Asperger's can be paralyzing condition, and it's nice to see heroes like #38 tackle it head-on.

Note: Photo from this Halloween party gallery.

This clip of an Iranian striker celebrating his goal by pulling down his shorts comes from The Offiside, and even though I knew he was going to take off his pants, I still laughed when I saw it.  I think I'm gonna start doing this.  Find a dollar on the street?  Get a buy-back from the bartender?  Make somebody laugh?  The pants are comin' down, baby.

(Oh, and since you definitely don't want another soccer post here, check out the ugliness in the LA Galaxy-Chivas USA match, aka the "Superclassico." Those crazy LA rivalries!)

SPORTSbyBROOKS points out that super-wealthy dude/toupee-wearer Stan Kroenke, who (with the help of marrying into Wal-Mart money) owns the Denver Nuggets, Colorado Avalance, the MLS's Colorado Rapids, and part of the St. Louis Rams, has designs of becoming the majority owner of Arsenal Football Club in the English Premier League.

What does this mean for American fans?  Well, in a word: nothing.  Absolutely fucking nothing at all, and I just wasted both your time and mine.  But it's 85 degrees and sunny, and I don't get to go outside until I'm done with my daily quota of posts.

Eh, at least the picture isn't a total loss.  And those chicks are totally right.  The only Chelsea fan I know is Unsilent Majority, and — depending on your classification of post-op tranny — he's never dated a real woman.  QED.