I suppose this isn’t exactly “sports” “news,” but the presence of a motorcycle is close enough to motor sports for me to justify it (see also: hummina).  Besides, when the news cycle is this slow, it needs to be sped up… with a news motorcycle!!!  And by motorcycle I mean gigantic tits.

Anyway, here are British pin-ups/faux-lipstick-lesbian-pals Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh, posing on a — what is that?  Some kind of crotch rocket?  I’ve got a rocket in my crotch they can have!  It’s an M-80 firecracker I keep in my pocket.  I figured they might want to light it on New Year’s Eve.

[Don Chavez]

Take a look at that box on the left.  Click on it if it’s too small for your eyes, Grandma.  Those are the top stories at ESPN.com right now.  That’s nine stories.  Four of them are about baseball’s winter meetings, and two of them are about golf.  Golf and people talking about baseball.  That’s what I have to work with here.

So let me ask you a question: do you want to hear about people complaining about the Hall of Fame voting procedures, or do you wanna see a MOTORCYCLE HEADSTAND CRASH????

I think my work here is done.

I suppose new jet pack records aren’t technically sports news, but if you don’t want to read about people in jet packs flying over gorges, F-CK YOU.  Eric Scott flew 1500 feet and braved the possibility of an 1100-foot plunge without a parachute when he flew over Royal Gorge with a jet pack.  And did I mention that there was a jet pack involved?  JET PACK!  **plays air guitar**

The jet pack carried only 33 seconds of fuel, which gave him no time to spare to cross the chasm. He made the crossing at 12:20 p.m. in 21 seconds, flying at 75 mph, according to Go Fast Sports & Beverage, which sponsored the stunt…

“It’s pretty much incomparable to anything I’ve done in the past,” Scott said last week via cell phone from Mexico City, where he was performing similar — though not quite as daunting — feats with the jet pack. [read: jet pack donkey show - Ed.]

The pack’s designer wants to add a turbine engine that could increase flight time to nine minutes, but I think we can all agree that that’s still not enough time for an effective killing spree that terrorizes half the city.

Today is crazy slow in sports news, which means it’s time to start mining the NHL for video of hockey fights.  And voilà, here’s a scrap between Calgary’s Eric Nystrom and the Avs’ Ian LaPerriere, the latter of whom obviously became an enforcer to compensate for a fruity last name.

Honestly, it’s a pretty unremarkable fight, but there’s a moment at the 0:33 mark where Nystrom tears off LaPerriere’s helmet, and it seems possible — almost likely — that Nystrom is going to beat LaPerriere with his own helmet.  And then… he doesn’t.  But you can imagine how cool it would have been. Great story, right?

[Hockey Fights via FanIQ]

Late last month, New York sports pundit Mike Francesca chose to televise Danyelle Sargent’s unaired gaffe as she interviewd Mike Singletary.  In response, FOX made its game feeds unavailable to other networks, leading expert bloviator Keith Olbermann to name Francesca “the worst person in the world” on his November 7th show.

And now Francesca has fired back.  Kind of.  On his sports talk radio show.  Meaning all sorts of illiterate and/or functionally retarded people heard Francesca go after NBC’s pregame show. 

Your move, Olbermann.  The ghosts of Dorothy Parker and Oscar Wilde await your latest bon mot.  It’s like a grand chess match.  By which I mean, incredibly boring.

[Brooklyn Mutt]

Yes, you read that headline correctly.  There really is THAT much going on in the world of sports.

First up, an Oklahoma man will attempt to set the world record for inflating a weather balloon with his mouth.  He must get it to eight feet in diameter in less than 42 minutes.  His life must be amazing.

In a slightly more interesting story, a British chicken farmer is angry that low-flying hot-air balloons drove her hens into a terrified frenzy, causing the eggs inside them to explode, which led to their deaths.  Funny story.  A similar thing happened in my pants when I saw the Jessica Rabbit balloon at Macy’s Thanksgiving parade.