Chances are that if you know who Jasmine Waltz is without having to Google her, then you’re either a fan of “celebrity” sex tapes or you’re way too involved with David Arquette’s private life. But I won’t blame you for the latter, because he is, after all, a former WCW Champion, so he deserves our respect. I assume, though, that you wouldn’t know Waltz from a Megan Fox impersonator at your cousin’s awesome bachelor party, so here’s a rundown of her résumé:

Quick backstory on Jasmine Waltz. She is an aspiring actress and has dated, hooked up with, or has been linked to David Arquette, Zac Efron, Chris Pine, Ryan Seacrest, Jesse McCartney, Doug Reinhardt and Vinny from “The Jersey Shore.” And those are just the easily Google-able guys, there are probably more secret hook-ups. But we don’t blame them, she’s hot. Like Megan Fox hot!

Apparently she has a type: FAMOUS. (Via Hollyscoop)

And as you can see from that banner pic, she does look a lot like Fox, so that’s probably why all of those young, horny celebrities have been tripping over themselves to spend a romantic evening with her. As I also mentioned, she has a sex tape out there thanks to a sweet $60,000 deal that she signed with Vivid back in 2011, and that means that she has zero vertical talent.

So what the hell am I bringing her up for today? According to Hollyscoop, swimming-legend-turned-poker-pro Michael Phelps is now dating Waltz after he broke up with his Las Vegas waitress and model girlfriend, Megan Rossee.

I have to be honest, if you had told me that a gold medalist swimmer was going to be losing a ton of money by playing professional poker while dating high maintenance, gold-digging models, I would have guessed Ryan Lochte 10 times out of 10. Is it possible that Lochte is actually smarter than Phelps? It sure seems that way. But Phelps is definitely having more fun in the meantime.

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So Kris Humphries signed a one-year contract worth a reported $8 million to play for the New Jersey Nets this season. That’s … that’s more or less the entire news bit.

TMZ, on the other hand,

“Which person in that marriage would you consider the sloppy one” aside, how amazing is it that the ASS: The Movie of journalism would be so desperate for viable Kardashian news that they’d devote a day and a half to Lamar Odom house hunting in Dallas and report the world’s most pedestrian power forward signing as the desperate act of a gold-digging Ferderlinian man? Even the context they provide is bitchy.

Kris became an unrestricted free agent after last season — also with the Nets — before marrying Kim Kardashian … a gravy train that quickly screeched to a halt.

Hopefully Humphries can play competent-enough basketball and keep making millions of dollars a year plying a trade and not have to ride a train with wheels greased by the E! Network, carrying whatever Kim Kardashian considers gravy. Although it would be pretty awesome if Humphries showed up to play the Knicks and the Nets were like, “oh, sorry, we don’t want you to play on our team, we signed you to f**k you and put you on our TV show”.

[via TMZ]

The Chief covered Helio Castrosomething's jilting of his fiancé for his 19-year-old dance teacher, and now Shanna Moakler, who also hooked-up with her her dancing instructor from Dancing With the Stars, offers her 2 luscious breasts cents:

Moakler, who had a fling with her own "Dancing" partner, Jesse DeSoto, added, "You work with them for three months for eight hours a day doing these really sexy moves . . . you can't help but fall for them. At least I was separated [from hubby Travis Barker] when I hooked up with my partner."

Oh, SNAP! She sure told him, and she absolutely has the high moral ground in this situation. Cheating on your fiancé is totally worse than cheating on your spouse during a separation. Oh well, if you're interested in auto sports, you can read about Formula 1's 10-year engine development ban. Or you can look at more NSFW pics of the of the lovely Shanna. I know you'll make the right decision. -KD