This could have been a four-star faceplant clip if the guy that posted this realized that this was a skateboarding video and not a Japanese game show. STOP TRYING TO CLOSE-CAPTION YOUR WHOLE DAMN VIDEO. That said, this is a brutal fall, and therefore an excellent one. Good buildup, good protagonist, and the cinematography is well above average. I hope that guy’s okay; I feel like this camera operator can only get better with experience.

Most retail establishments only accept deliveries between 10 and 2, so these guys made sure to get their tricks in while the gittin’ was good. And this faceplant isn’t exactly spectacular as much as it just sort of sneaks up on everyone. It’s as if he tried to bail on his move too late. You can’t ride that bull halfway, son. You either buck up or buck out. I suppose you could buck sideways, but I’d need the manual to explain how that works.

This, as best as I can tell, is the opening credits to Fully Flared, a 2007 skating video where…apparently everything blows up after they jump off it. Oh, and it’s all in slow-motion, too. It’s like those NFL commercials, except more rad. Or tubular. Or…[checks skater thesaurus] aw, hell, you get the idea.

The downside is that, as best as I can tell, none of the skateboarders actually die in the explosions. These hipster athletes are like roaches. Roaches that don’t wear goggles or helmets. And like to roll around everyplace. It’s more “TNT Games” than “X Games.” –Thanks, Matt.

Ouch. That did not look like it felt too good. No doubt the poor, portly fellow felt pretty embarrassed laying there on the concrete looking like a beached Beluga. This is why fat people shouldn’t leave their homes except to go to Old Country Buffet. I wouldn’t be surprised if the next time this guy willingly gets on something with four wheels is when Maury Povich sends a camera crew and they have to rip off a side of his house and hoist him out of his bed with a Bobcat.

And the splits? Yikes. I wasn’t even aware of the fact that fat people could bend that way. How fitting it would have been if a James Brown song had been added for background music.

“Say it loud, I’m fat and on the ground. HEYYYYY!!”

Or alternatively,

“Get up, (get on up)
Get up, (get on up)
Stay on the scene, like an eating machine”

I suppose that would make him the Godfather Of Roll.

San Diego State University had their undie run this year, and you’re not gonna believe this, but it was exactly the same as any other…except for this girl that decided to go skateboarding wearing in her Uggs. And this is where the concept of neo-feminism starts to die: why do anything worthwhile in school when you can just strip down and have everyone’s attention? Seems to be working just fine for Danica Patrick.

|Busted Coverage|

Ugh, that sound… that’s not a good sound. It’s like a cantaloupe dropped off a roof. Makes me wanna wrap my head in cotton and styrofoam and duct tape before going anywhere near concrete. I’d leave some air holes, of course. Don’t wanna get too turned on, you know.

[Don Chavez]

I never thought a skateboarder grostesquely breaking his arm could be so disappointing (NOTE: I’m serious about this being pretty nasty).  Listen, skateboarders.  If you severely injure yourself, you can’t just calmly say “I broke my arm.”  You’ve got to squeal like a stuck pig and cry like the skinny jeans-wearing excuse for a male that you really are.  Otherwise it’s barely worth me watching a fifth or sixth time.

[Don Chavez]

There’s not too much I can really add that isn’t covered in the headline, but I will add two small pieces of commentary: (1) Orff’s “Carmina Burana” is a glorious change of pace from the rap-metal most of these videos are set to, and (2) No parent should ever name their son Nigel unless they expect him to grow up gay, or British, or gay and British. Or am I being redundant?

You know that Family Guy scene where Peter trips and hurts his knee? This is kind of like like that, if Peter had been a dumb kid standing on a skateboard perched on a rail, and after he fell the skateboard hit him in the head, and then his friends stood around and asked him if he was all right. In other words, it’s way way way better.

To be honest, I’m a little worried that this may be the best thing I’ll see all day, which is saying a lot because there are not one but two NFL games on tonight. Wait, what’s that? My penis is saying I should go to the strip club? Hmmmm. You know, there’s a reason he makes the big bucks.

You have to be impressed by this kid.  He keeps trying and trying, and he keeps at it until he breaks his ankle.  That’s the kind of perseverance I like to see in a young American.

(thanks to Doug)