Well, I suppose I owe Ryan Lochte an apology. Earlier, I just assumed that he would be another Howie Long or Bruce Jenner, a former athlete thrust into the acting without having a shred of talent for show business, but I neglected to look at his actual résumé and body of work before I cast my disapproving glare. If I had bothered to look, I would have known that Lochte already kicked open the gates to Hollywood yesterday with his debut at Funny or Die.

Starring alongside Sir Patrick Stewart and Simon Pegg, Lochte plays himself as Stewart teaches us a thing or 12 about the intricacies of 2012 Summer Olympic ticket scalping. And when Lochte shows up in an alley to show off that world famous flashy USA grill and explain his VIP athlete pass to Stewart and his accomplice, you really feel like he’s in danger of being bludgeoned with an ASP.

ABC executives, you lock this guy up now, because if not he’s going to EGOT faster than we can say, “Michael Phelps, who?”

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Somebody should start a Tumblr that is nothing but hockey players fighting each other over breakfast and justify it as an important part of the game. (Via Cosby Sweaters)

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Links

Backstage With Alison Brie’s Band, The Girls, And Jones Street Station |UPROXX|

‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: ‘The Night Lands’ |Warming Glow|

Twelve Minutes From ‘Lockout’ Is Like Snake Plissken In Space |Gamma Squad|

Dark Knight Rises gets PG-13 Rating |Film Drunk|

A Written History Of The Hoodie |Smoking Section|

The Dugout Opening Days ’12: Miami Marlins |With Leather|

Mad Men Discussion: It Was All A Dream, He Used To Read ‘Ad Age’ Magazine… |UPROXX|

The Best Of ‘Community’s’ #Pillows And Blankets |UPROXX|

Respecting The Hustle Of Kevin Hart |Smoking Section|

Simon Pegg vs. a Spooky Hedgehog |Film Drunk|

The Cuteness Is Strong With This One: Pictures From New Book ‘Darth Vader And Son’ |Gamma Squad|

The Many Faces of Jared Harris, ‘Mad Men’s’ Lane Pryce |Warming Glow|

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“BEWARE LEST YE BECOME THE CURTIS PAINTED” – Jon Bois

Links

Fetushead Cannibalism Creates Possibility For Perfect Fat Hump Story - Headlines like this make me want to write for KSK so bad. The Colts keep getting better, and the only thing funnier than Brett Favre showing up to right the ship would be Curtis Painter continuing to exist. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

UFC 135: Jones Vs. Rampage Aftermath - Jon Jones “Bones” “Jones” is awesome, if only for the parade of weirdly racist comments that accompany him wherever he goes. You’d think racist people wouldn’t get upset at a black guy having confidence and being good at fighting, but here we are. We are a nation of Jeffs Dunham. [Cage Potato]

She Got Her Nails Did: The Finger Nail Retrogame Art Of Maya Pixelskaya - As long as nobody grows her nails out to 10 feet long and takes pictures for a This Week In WTF World Records, I’m cool with this. [UPROXX]

Blinky In Ink: ‘The Simpsons’ Famous Mutant Fish In The Flesh - For the longest time I wanted to get a Worker and Parasite tattoo. Still might. [Gamma Squad]

Confession: I Didn’t Hate ‘Whitney’ - Matt, I don’t think we can be friends anymore. /laughtrack [Warming Glow]

Black Star & Common Perform “Respiration” Live In Chicago - Look at this brutish thug, Common! I hope nobody ever lets him visit the White House! He’s a thug! [Smoking Section]

Lewis Black Killed On The Chaz Bono/DWTS Controversy - I don’t normally like Lewis Black a lot (outside of doing a pretty funny impression of him), but he absolutely murdered this. I still think the controversy around Chaz Bono being on Dancing With The Stars should be that Chaz Bono is not a f**king star. [UPROXX]

Simon Pegg Continues To Be Awesome - His best performance is still as a guard in the Maths episode of “Look Around You”. Best show ever. [Film Drunk]

Alex Morgan, Hope Solo And Women’s Soccer Still Being A Thing - Tossing this in here in case you missed it on Friday. These women are good at sports and attractive in important ways and you should support them. By, uh, looking at my gallery. [With Leather]

Porkins Finally Gets His Due In These Totally Real Star Wars Blu-ray Deleted Scenes - I hope there are some scenes where Boba Fett takes off his helmet and sounds like Charles Nelson Reilly so I can forget about Star Wars forever. [Gamma Squad]

10 Things You Didn’t Know About “Dazed and Confused” - Did you know? Milla Jovovich made out with me during the production of the film and I convinced her not to appear in 2,000 action movies between the years of 2000 and 2011. Three Musketeers never happened. [Buzzfeed]

Sly Stone Is Living in a Van - Now, Sly Stone is probably asking himself, “Hey, Matt, how can we get back on the right track?!” [FARK]