25 Better Portraits For Carmelo Anthony’s New York City Apartment

Written by Ashley Burns / 04.20.12

The New York Post took its loyal readers on a trip into the home and minds of New York Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony and his wife La La – *eye roll* – and the most revealing tidbit of information was that they have a giant portrait of Carmelo (above) hanging over their fireplace. And it’s not exactly shocking that a multimillionaire superstar athlete would have a huge portrait of himself in his own home, but if you’ve ever followed the gossip about his wife, you’d probably expect a few more portraits of La La.

But according to Melo’s better half, the interior design duties are actually performed by the primary money-maker himself.

How much input has Carmelo had in the design of your home or did you manage the project yourself?

Believe it or not, he has more input and gets more involved than I do. He was really into working with the decorator, Alicia Darby, who also decorated our home in LA.

Man, if that quote doesn’t open the door for a ton of jokes, then I don’t know anything about comedy anymore. Regardless of the humor of a man possibly cheating on his wife with his decorator, I just can’t get past the arrogance of self-celebration. I guess you could argue that the painting may have been a gift from a famous artist, or maybe La La painted it herself – she didn’t – but chances are Carmelo just paid someone to paint it and he was like, “Yeah, that’s going over my fireplace.”

It doesn’t matter what the actual reason is, because a lot of people are just going to look at this and think, “The ego on this guy.” So I want to help Carmelo with my own interior design skills by offering him some awesome alternative portraits that he can hang instead. Most of these are already in the Louvre and Smithsonian, but I have connections.

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Finally, Artistic Peeing Is An Actual Contest

Written by Ashley Burns / 03.29.12

We don’t often get to talk about art around these parts, and that’s a shame, because I like to fancy myself one classy son of a female dog. After all, I’ve used the bathroom at the Louvre. And speaking of bathrooms and art, a Taiwanese art student recently answered the age old question: “Is urinating considered art?” The answer? You bet your golden showers it is.

While going to the bathroom one day, Wong Tin Chuen noticed some blood in his urine. While that would make me scream like a battered child, Cheun thought to himself, “Hey, that looks a little like Iron Man’s helmet!” So did Cheun go to the hospital to have his abdominal pains, dehydration and bloody urine examined? Of course not. He went shopping for a new toilet.

He took about two months to find a toilet bowl with a similar oblong shape to the outline of Iron Man’s face. Then he was eating edible pigmentation and successfully produced red, black and green urine. He arranged the colored urine to make it look like the character, and used his saliva to create foam for touching up. He needed to keep adding spit to his work while waiting for the judges to get to him during the contest. And of course, his artwork had produced a foul odor at the exhibition. (M.I.C. Gadget via a delightful attempt by Google to translate the China Times)

“Why on Earth would he do this,” asked every sane person who doesn’t possess a predilection to play with his own urine. Because Cheun won $400,000 for his new “blood urine” art…

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Ray Edwards Knows What True Love Is

Written by Ashley Burns / 11.30.11

Prior to joining the Atlanta Falcons as a free agent this season, defensive end Ray Edwards seemed like he was poised to become a breakout star in the NFL, as he posted back-to-back 8 sack seasons with the Minnesota Vikings. But despite his lackluster 2 sacks this season, Edwards has still been a breakout star in other regards. For instance, back in May he became a two-sport star when he launched his boxing career with a four-round win over T.J. Gibson. And despite being contractually obligated to at least one more fight, the Falcons still gave Edwards a 5-year deal.

Yet neither boxing nor the NFL really show us what Edwards is all about. At least not as much as his latest love – modeling. Edwards recently posed for his own slab of man meat calendar and let’s just say that he likes to show off his bulge. I think that’s the nicest way I can put it. He also likes to show off his girlfriend – and exotic dancer – LaStarya Thompson, who recently posed with her man for the above portrait –by sports artist Gabe Richesson – to celebrate their love.

Order your prints now or just wait for the sex tape.

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NEW SUPER BOWL LOGO SUCKS

Written by Matt / 02.05.08

Awful Announcing, who I was denied the chance of meeting last April because he went to the wrong bar, has the new Super Bowl logo, and it's an absolute piece of shit. I think it's symbolic, really. The red star stands for communism, which signifies Goodell's iron fist involving player suspensions. The blue star represents strip clubs. The green field represents all the cash that the league makes from non-competitive television packaging. But that XLW…Man, I don't have a clue what that means…

UPDATE: Hey, there's the logo. Fucking shit, just drag me outside and shoot me right now. I never thought I could fuck that up. Did you ever see Hamburger Hill (?), that one movie with Dick Butkus and they destroy that burger shop in like two hours? And then those guys get stuck in the giant pickles and get doused in condiments? No? Well, never mind then.

- Monday Morning Punter

[Awful Announcing

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