Ca$h Cow is not morally opposed to leather uppers. Or leather downers, for that matter.

So I guess Kobe Bryant rolled out a new shoe last week, and rather than try to squeeze in a rape joke, I’ll just ridicule the fact that the big talking point for the Kobe Zoom V is that the shoe is a whole ounce lighter. The V, by the way, stands for “felony sexual assault.”

Nike performance footwear creative director Eric Avar made this shoe an ounce lighter.

“We started with the science and performance elements and built from there,” Avar said. “We wanted this shoe to be a true reflection of his game and persona.” –via OC Register’s Lakers blog.

Oh, and the shoes don’t hit stores for another two weeks or so. So if you were planning to pass them off a gift to serve as a smokescreen for your infidelity, you’re out of luck. At least these aren’t as ugly as Dwyane Wade’s “Air Doughnut” shoe. If Nike can get away with launching all of these ugly shoes in These Trying Economic Times, how bad can this recession possibly be?

It’s hard to believe that it was some 20 years ago when Michael Jordan was still tearing up the NBA and everyone in high school couldn’t wait for the latest Air Jordan basketball shoes to come out. Well, here’s the latest model, the Air Jordan 2010, and these things couldn’t be any uglier if they were made out of Seattle Seahawks.

The most obvious distinction is a massive transparent window through the middle of the shoe as a representation of Michael Jordan’s on-court prowess of “seeing through opponents”. The shoe’s collar is also cut disproportionately with the medial side being higher up. –Hypebeast

This is the 25th edition of Jordan’s custom kicks…and this seems like a pretty good place to stop. Well 2003–the last year Jordan ever wore an NBA uniform–would have worked, also, but seriously, this shoe looks like the brains at Nike created this shoe on a dare. Did you catch Jordan’s Hall of Fame speech? Didn’t he come off like a total asshole? Well get this…we put a big black asshole IN THE SHOE! And then they probably high-fived and whipped a few Indonesian children after that.

With the current economic situation, now seems like a good time to head to Europe, where the almighty American dollar can buy me a… uh… piece of gum?  I’ve got a flight across the Atlantic tonight, and while I’m not a big fan of constantly sharing my location on the Internet, you can probably piece it together with this hint.

The awesomely unhinged Monday Morning Punter will take over posting duty tomorrow, and Big Daddy Drew of KSK and Jamboroo fame has promised to contribute as well.  I’ll be back next week, blogging with a British accent while I pull the ol’ “working vacation.”  It’s like a real vacation, just without all that boring relaxing!