Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson’s rap debut is here and it’s got all the football references you’d expect from a football guy rapping, including “she opened up her shirt like Cam New” and the oddly-appropriate-for-comparing-football-to-sex hashtag “lights out, Shawne Merriman”.

Additional sample lyric:

I’m sayin’ let’s
go go go go go go go go go go go go go go
I’m sayin’ let’s
go go go go go go go go go go go go go go

Players View puts it as bluntly as possible, saying Run It Back is “on-par musically with what’s out there with it’s rolling snares and sparse instrumentation”. In layman’s terms, that means “it’s not really great, but it doesn’t sound like Must Be The Money”.

Most of the references work, too, except for the one about how Johnson “Superman’d in her like Cam do”. If we’re going by the Soulja Boy definition of Supermanning a hoe, that’s not really something you can do inside of her. I think my favorite part is the direct comparison of vaginal penetration to Arian Foster. If we’re making Texasn references, I’m sad he didn’t let me on the track. I need somewhere to drop my dope line about being “rap’s T. J. Yates in the grass and the dirt/only here ’cause two other quarterbacks are hurt”.

[Ed. note - In celebration of this week's theatrical release of The Muppets, here's our thing about Muppets. If you haven't seen it yet, you're in for a treat.]

We’re still a few months away from the release of The Muppets, starring and written by Jason Segel, but my excitement couldn’t be higher. Hold on, I’m receiving a breaking news message… *squirrel in a hot air balloon drops a note tied to an acorn on the table* … it appears that The Muppets also stars Rashida Jones and Mila Kunis, so I may have an awesome heart attack soon. In the meantime, it’s Friday and now I’m all Muppety, so what the hell can I do to resolve this?

Thankfully, while looking for something completely unrelated yesterday, I stumbled across the Muppets Wiki site and started perusing the history of the happiest shows of my childhood – The Muppet Show and Sesame Street. Eventually I realized that a lot of athletes have been told how to get to, how to get to Sesame Street over the past 42 years, and it all started with Jackie Robinson in 1969. From there, children and adults who are still children at heart watched with glee as their favorite athletes stopped by to teach us about the alphabet, sharing, numbers, living in garbage cans, depression, being a giant bird, same sex partnerships with bottle cap enthusiasts, and building motor skills, among others.

After the jump, I’ve compiled an extensive history of athletes making appearances on Sesame Street and with the Muppets. If you don’t enjoy this or smile the whole way through, then I’m afraid we’ll never be friends. And that would make Big Bird very sad.

Read the rest of this entry »

When I saw a video titled “Buffalo Bill-ieving” in the Monday A.M. Hot Clicks I thought for sure that somebody had added football words to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” and really emphasized the “bel”. What I got was so, so much better.

To catch you up: The Buffalo Bills are the hottest team in the NFL, and their 34-31 victory over the ominous New England Patriots put them at 3-0 on the season. YouTube user “rayray3thousand” had decided that three victories to start the season erases every bad thing that has happened to the franchise and that nothing he types on the Internet could possible jinx them:

The new anthem of the 2011 Buffalo Bills… this is what happens when your friends tease you about the Bills for YEARS, and you can finally rub it back in their faces. GO BILLS

So after years of waiting with clenched fists, how does Ray Ray get back at his friends? By loading up an instrumental version of “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys and singing over it about the Bills. The best part is that the Beach Boys are still singing “Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama” in the background while Ray Ray is trying to rhyme “Fred Jackson” with “Shawne Merriman”. Also hilarious is the weird “sounds of nature” opening where I guess Ray Ray is waiting for the song to start and we get to hear a chirping bird the white noise of his house. Then we go straight into his “guy with the cane from Boyz II Men” spoken intro. Just … just a wonderful use of YouTube.

I think a team with a history like this should wait a few more weeks before they start “Bill-ieving” and approach their successes with Buffa-lo expectations.

Funny or Die has a knack for cramming as many celebrities as possible into three minute video, and today they’ve outdone themselves — watch in amazement has Ray Liotta, Kevin Costner, Dennis Haysbert, the Were-llama from Twilight and half of professional football bring you a Lockout-flavored sequel to the greatest baseball movie of all time, Field of Dreams. I’m guessing Haysbert is here because when the Funny or Die guys showed up at James Earl Jones’ apartment he attacked them with an insecticide sprayer and told them to go back to the sixties.

Watch the video below, but I have to warn you: the football players are all better actors than Taylor Lautner.

It’s weird, I know this is supposed to be a joke, but it still looks like a better movie than that remake of Footloose.

I love Kevin Costner at the end. He gives as little a sh** as possible, and he’s a good sport, but his voice and the look on his face say “I can’t believe you guys are making fun of this”. Lautner just stands there smirking, thinking about how awesome of a Crash Davis Robert Pattinson would be.

We haven’t seen TV’s Tila Tequila since she was running for her life at a Gathering Of The Juggalos concert (pictured below). She’s rebounding in a big way, appearing the latest installment of “Between Two Ferns,” that one spoof show with that one guy from The Hangover. Watch as she and Zach double-team Jennifer Aniston, who I guess has a movie coming out or something.

Tequila was involved in a domestic dispute with Chargers defender Shawne Merriman (now with the Bills), who apparently restrained her after she allegedly tried to drive home from his place while intoxicated. Merriman actually spent two hours in jail over the incident, but that’s not as bad as having to play for the Bills.

“Tell Jennifer about yourself.” Oh, man. I don’t know how many people other than Zach Galifianakis can roll out the same shtick over and over and still make it unpredictably funny. And of course Aniston ruined it with a long ending. I should have come to expect that from a woman whose claim to fame was a layered haircut.

Via NY Mag and the ShareBros.

The newest Buffalo Bill already has come up lame. Shawne Merriman lasted all of 15 minutes in his first Buffalo Bills practice before suffering a right leg injury. At least he managed to avoid being pelted with juggalo feces. That’s a silver lining.

“Shawne put 10 pounds on his body and went out there and had a little strain and we didn’t want to chance anything,” Bills coach Chan Gailey said. “So we’re getting it checked out completely and we’ll see what happens from there, but it wasn’t anything major.”

The San Diego Chargers cut Merriman after first putting him on injured reserve earlier this season with calf and Achilles ailments. Because it was a minor injury designation, he was allowed to play again this season after being cut. –Sean Leahy/USA Today.

Merriman was suspended for the first four games of 2006 after failing a steriod test and really hasn’t been heard from since. To his disappointment, Buffalo claimed him off waivers last week, and that’s where the 26-year-old will have to finish out the last year of his contract. Sure, there are worse places to play than Buffalo, but there’s nowhere worse to be killing time due to injuries. Well, maybe Cleveland.