The sports world is abuzz with the news that a Magic-Johnson fronted group broke the dang old bank in order to purchase the Dodgers for over $2 billion, which is a figure so absurd that it may as well be written like a comic strip character says cuss words.
“Yes Mr. McCourt, and our counter-offer is #!%*& dollars.”
Anyway, it’s no secret by now that Magic Johnson, while not a billionaire himself, is a mega-entrepreneur and philanthropist. Already in 2012, he’s bought a baseball team and announced he’s launching a television network. What’s next, a chain of restaurants that are like Applebee’s, but with edible food? A series of Wal*Mart-style superstores? It’s almost like he’s some kind of business wizard. Almost like he’s … gathering spectacular assets.
Wait a minute. Wizard … gathering … Magic … I think we may be on to something here, ladies and gentlemen. In the spirit of Magic Johnson’s spectacular purchase, I am pleased to present the nerdiest sequence of jokes to ever appear on With Leather. It is my pleasure to present to you a very special type of card game: a collectible one.
If you didn’t think this would exist, welcome to the Internet. Somebody’s already doing a “Sh*t Hitler Says About Watching The Jeremy Lin Nyan Cat”. (via OTB)
Shawn Kemp Isn’t Exactly Thrilled With The Blake Griffin Comparisons - I love that Shawn Kemp JUST found out that the only thing he was good at was dunks. [Smoking Section]
The 10 Strangest Addictions From ‘My Strange Addiction’ - Does “doing something dumb to get on television because there’s a show that exaggerates mental illnesses” count as a strange addiction? [Warming Glow]
So, The New Trailer For ‘The Avengers’ Is Kind Of Awesome - I hope Captain America has a line that more or less says, “why does the 2012 version of my costume look so much worse than the one I wore in the 40s?” [Gamma Squad]
Many Of Your Favorite Celebrities Have Been ‘Cholafied’ - Pretty sure that Rihanna Chola is gonna show up in Guillermo Del Toro’s next horror-fantasy. [UPROXX]
Meth Addict Accidentally Burns Down ‘A Tree Older Than Jesus’ - I hope this is immediately followed by a scene where Bryan Cranston is dressed like a priest and yelling at him over the phone about how he’s worthless and stupid. [UPROXX]
VIDEO: Prometheus’s Peter Weyland addresses the 2023 TED Conference - If this movie doesn’t end with Catwoman kicking him in the nuts, I’m demanding my money back. [Film Drunk]
Kids Do The Darndest Speed Drills - When I was five I would’ve played a video game about anything. I would’ve played a Mario game where he can’t die and it’s nothing but history facts. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
11 Things Megan Fox Didn’t Know About David Silver When She First Met Brian Austin Green - 1 Thing Megan Fox Didn’t Know About Donna Martin: she graduates. [Buzzfeed]
Ken Marino’s AMAZING Macy Gray Impression - I love this impression so much I want to dip my balls in it. [HuffPost Comedy]
Criminal Busted for Using Fake ID with Jack Nicholson’s Photo - I knew I should’ve bought that Lindsay Lohan drivers license from the Hollywood gift shop where her photo is a promo still from Mean Girls and her height is MOVIE STAR. [The FW]
Jennifer Lawrence’s Cleavage Is Doing a Poor Job of Convincing Us She Can Play a 16-Year-Old - Yeah, well, The Last Airbender turned Sokka into a 28-year old white guy, so do whatever. [Pajiba]
The 20 Most Bad*ss Spies and Secret Agents in Film and TV History - I hope numbers one and two are “Spy Kid” and “the other Spy Kid”, followed by Karate Dog from Karate Dog at number three. [Brobible]
Six Underappreciated Comedies More People Need To See - How the hell is Anchorman unappreciated? Hot Rod and The Foot Fist Way are inspired choices, though, and once again I say “where the hell is Josie and the Pussycats?” [Unreality]
Reebok Broke, Reebok Broke: Company Agrees To Pay $25 Million In Toning Shoe Refunds - R.I.P., Reebok, I will always remember you in your better days, when you tried to sell me shoes by having Shawn Kemp dunk on a robot in a game of Killer Instinct and then scream to destroy him. [Smoking Section]
Today’s Column: How Moneyball the Movie Became the Opposite of Moneyball the Concept - I still haven’t seen this. I’m a bad sports blogger. I’m going to try to recreate the experience by sitting in a pitch black room and listening to an A’s game on the radio. [Film Drunk]
Jose Canseco And Octomom Sitting In A Tree - In case you missed it yesterday, the Octomom is probably the most legitimately weird person to ever be famous for something, and Jose Canseco thinks he’s good at fighting people, but he isn’t. Also, lol Coolio. [With Leather]
How Many Awkward Patrick Swayze Jokes Are in ’50/50′? - I love you, Anna Kendrick, like a real, lasting love, so I’m going to go see this movie you’re in, and you have to repay me by being super nice to me should we ever meet. Not weird-nice, just pleasant and happy, because Lord, I sat through this movie. [Moviefone]
Here Are The Nick Offerman High School Yearbook Photos Ron Swanson Fans Have Been Clamoring For - Nick Offerman isn’t a real person. I’m convinced Ron Swanson is a S1mone situation and his high school yearbook pictures are just part of the false memories. [UPROXX]
The Most Ridiculous Covers of Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane - Comic books were awesome as hell before people like Judd Winick grew up and got put in charge of them. [Gamma Squad]
Creepily Specific, Poorly Made ‘Simpsons’ Cosplay to Haunt Your Dreams - I don’t do the “well, gonna have nightmares!” joke a lot, so please know it is not a joke when I say this is going to give me nightmares. Jesus Christ. [Warming Glow]
Meme Watch: Pug On A Slide Wins The Internet Today - Pretty sure this would win the Internet on any day. I get worried for pugs when they’re trying to walk forward, much less when they’re put on playground equipment. [UPROXX]
Awesome Quotes From 11 Famous Writers On Censorship - Important words to share with you from a website where the Dockers people will get mad and pull their ads if I type the f-word without stars over the U and C. [Buzzfeed]
The Road to Juggalo Recovery - I outlined the steps to recovery in yesterday’s Morning Links, but I’ll add a fourth: if you’re in public, put on a shirt. [Adult Swim\]
Popeye’s Scoop Shaped Dippable Fried Chicken Is a Real Thing - “What part of the chicken is a NUGGET??” the commercials ask. I don’t know, what part of the chicken is the “popcorn”? What part of the chicken comes out looking like a Frito, you psychopaths? [The Daily What]
28 Hi-Def Calvin and Hobbes Wallpapers - Just because. [Unreality]
Former Sonic great and noted unprotected-sex advocate Shawn Kemp may have one more comeback left in the tank. The 40-year-old, who has slimmed down again (here's a recent-ish picture), was reportedly offered a deal from Italian team Premiata Montegranaro. Metro News says:
SHAWN KEMP ALLA PREMIATA. Ai cittadini di Seattle però la cosa non va giù, e per difendere il basket nella città della pioggia è sceso in campo anche uno degli ex più amati della storia dei Sonics: Shawn Kemp ha infatti esibito un cartello con scritto “Noklahoma” di fronte al municipio della città. Udite udite: a quasi 40 anni, “The Reignman”, dopo le brutte storie di cocaina e la folle evasione da un ospedale psichiatrico di 4 anni fa, ha ricevuto un’offerta dalla Premiata Montegranaro.
I don't speak Italian fluently, but I've stared at Monica Bellucci's rack enough to pick up a little bit of it, and I think that says Kemp opposed dickface Clay Bennett moving the Sonics to Oklahoma, and was offered a contract by Premiata. All I have to say is, DON'T DO IT SHAWN!!! Things aren't what they seem! They don't really want you to play, it's just an elaborate plot by the Italian government to populate the country with a generation of very tall Italians. They're trying to steal America's basketball dominance! It's a trick to get you to go to Italy and sleep with all their women!
While we're on the subject, I'd like to take this moment to volunteer for Italy's next evil plot.
Food Court Lunch has assembled a fine gallery of notable vanity plates that are adorning the vehicles of professional athletes. Funny how sports figures would all get license plates that savage mockable aspects of their public persona. Maybe they're more self-aware than we give them credit. There are plenty more than the ones we included above, so be sure to give the rest a look. FCL should be commended for not including the "Taxation Without Representation" D.C. plate. Stupid whiny District!
It should also be noted that all these plates were made by Michael Vick. Prison isn't all playing football against the guards and getting raped. There's work too.
12 Steps to Making the Next Season of ‘The Office’ More Watchable |Warming Glow|
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