The 2011 Teen Choice Awards took place on Sunday and if you’re unfamiliar with the event, it’s basically a competition between PR reps, agents, and studios to whore not only their young talent (and their respective vehicles) out to the most important demographic, but also their aging and increasingly irrelevant stars of TV and movies. It’s also a spectacular example of why even 18 is too young for people to be voting. Go ahead and make the national voting age 17, and I guarantee we’ll welcome President Kevin James in 2012.

My typical cynicism would suggest that I’m not a fan of award shows, and that’s a valid estimation, as I believe shows like the Golden Globes, MTV anything awards, ESPYs, and even the Grammys are so void of credibility that even getting upset about them is a waste of time. So why then would I waste my time on a rant on something as decreasingly credible as the Teen Choice Awards? Because I’ve had about enough of these kids on my damn lawn.

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Robert O’Ryan is the 34-year-old guy that really, really wanted to meet Dancing With The Has-Beens contestant and noted jail bait Shawn Johnson.  O’Ryan drove from Florida to LA to be with her, which sounds like a lot of work when sending unsolicited text messages brings about the same effect. Anyway, he jumped a fence at the TV studio where they do the show and was arrested.

Police later searched his car and found a loaded shotgun, a loaded Colt .45 handgun, Johnson memorabilia and duct tape, People magazine reported on its Web site. Bail was set at $35,000.

Records show that O’Ryan told security guards and police that he packed up all of his belongings and traveled to California from Florida in the hopes of being with Johnson.

Oh, and there’s a restraining order on him now and blah blah 100 yards or something. Like you can just look at a distance and say “Oh, this is within a sand wedge.” Girls these days are in such a hurry to grow up until a man comes along with some duct tape and a shotgun and then they’re just running back to mommy and daddy. It’s a dangerous world out there, and you can never have enough duct tape.

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I had stopped covering which athletes were on whichever new season of “Dancing with the Stars” was about to happen, but then ABC released the promo photos of Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson with her partner, That Guy Who Dances.

Anyhoo, the other athletes on the forthcoming season are Lawrence Taylor and pro bull-rider Ty Murray.  Murray will compete against his wife, pro Ty Murray-rider Jewel.  Don’t expect to hear about this again on With Leather, I barely stayed awake writing this.  Although the ether could be partially to blame for that.

[Don Chavez]

I'm always uncomfortable with anyone sexualizing female gymnasts, because even a lot of the ones who are of legal age have that "little girl" feel to them.  It's like checking out girls at the senior prom.  Sure, a lot of 'em are 18, but — never mind.  I've said too much.

So let's make sure I'm not gonna get arrested.  Front and center and gold medalist in my heart: Alicia Sacramone, age 20.  Second from left, Nastia Liukin, age 18.  Phew.  After that it gets kinda tough.  Far right, Chellsie Memmel?  She's 20.   After that… I can't place the other two.  Try not to look at them, just in case.

Well, at least no website's put up pictures of 16-year-old Shawn Johnson in a bikini, right?  Oh.  Oh that's that's not good.  Man, I've never been so happy to have the comments turned off.

[Banned in Hollywood via Sports by Brooks] 

Iowa's so cute.  It's got all the corn and soybeans of Illinois, minus that big metropolitan center with all the fast cars and minorities.  So when the state fair rolls around, you know it's time to register the domain name StuffFatWhitePeopleLike.com.  Running from August 7th through yesterday, the fair featured plenty of funnel cakes, bad hair, and a statue homegrown Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson — sculpted from butter.  I didn't ask, but I'm pretty sure sex with the statue is illegal.

Baltimore is already hard at work on a likeness of Michael Phelps, made entirely with crack rocks and broken dreams.