I don't want to know what he's planning to do with that.

Quick, name the last person you’d like to see in a sex tape.

Did you say Carrot Top? It’s a statistical fact that when pressed with this question, 70% of Americans say Carrot Top. And, uh, this is the second worst.

A butt naked Shaun White smiled for the camera … while messing around on a bed with a hot naked lady back in 2009 … and now the X-rated photos are being shopped around town … TMZ has learned.

Sources tell TMZ … the photos were taken at a hotel party … a short time before The Flying Tomato won a gold medal at the 2009 Winter X-Games for Superpipe (haha … superpipe).

The “haha” aside and the landslide of ellipses are theirs, not mine. Or, as TMZ would write it,

The “haha” aside … and the landslide of ellipses … are theirs … not mine … TMZ has learned.

In all seriousness, this scandal threatens to shake the snowboarding, extreme sports, niche-video-games-when-1080-Snowboarding-isn’t-out and boys-t-shirt-racks-at-Target worlds to their foundations. Now instead of knowing him as “that one snowboarder”, everyone will know him as that one snowboarder who we had to see naked. At least this is great news for those weird girls who read Harry Potter and attach themselves to Ron.

At times like this, we can only take a step back and remember that pro athletes are only human, and thank God that Tony Hawk was popular before digital cameras were a thing.

[via ... TMZ]

The 2011 Teen Choice Awards took place on Sunday and if you’re unfamiliar with the event, it’s basically a competition between PR reps, agents, and studios to whore not only their young talent (and their respective vehicles) out to the most important demographic, but also their aging and increasingly irrelevant stars of TV and movies. It’s also a spectacular example of why even 18 is too young for people to be voting. Go ahead and make the national voting age 17, and I guarantee we’ll welcome President Kevin James in 2012.

My typical cynicism would suggest that I’m not a fan of award shows, and that’s a valid estimation, as I believe shows like the Golden Globes, MTV anything awards, ESPYs, and even the Grammys are so void of credibility that even getting upset about them is a waste of time. So why then would I waste my time on a rant on something as decreasingly credible as the Teen Choice Awards? Because I’ve had about enough of these kids on my damn lawn.

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Olympic champion snowboarder/ProActiv case study Shaun White began his ugly descent into a life of crime when he was cited last week for second-degree criminal tampering in Breckenridge, Colorado.  Sigh. That's how it always begins.  First you tamper with fire extinguishers at ski resorts, then you knock over some mailboxes in a wealthy subdivision, then you move on to bawdy bathroom graffiti in college bars before a bloody shootout with the FBI.

A Breckenridge police report said a security camera recorded someone setting off the fire extinguisher, and White's clothes and shoes appeared to match what the person on the video was wearing. The report also said White's shoes matched footprints left in the powder from the fire extinguisher and that a witness said he saw "a white male with long red hair pulling the pin from the fire extinguisher."

Uhhh… that could have been anyone!  Why, Carrot Top played a show in Denver last week!

A police report said his breath smelled of alcohol when investigators spoke with him. In the report, police said the video showed the prankster holding a pool cue and "playfully" chasing a young woman around video game machines in the room.

Oh, so he can "playfully" chase young women around with pool cues, but I can't "playfully" strangle strippers that I "playfully" drugged?  Just another example of the preferential treatment given to famous athletes.

[sports by brooks]