In one of the better “Boys will be boys” stories of this early sports year, New York Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony reportedly took offense to something that Boston Celtics forward Kevin Garnett said to him during Boston’s 102-96 victory on Monday night. According to various websites, Garnett supposedly told Anthony that his wife and decision-maker, La La Vasquez-Anthony, “tasted like Honey Nut Cheerios”. Honestly, I don’t really know how that’s an insult, because it mostly just reminds me of Patrice O’Neal’s birthday cake joke (watch “Elephant in the Room” if you’re unfamiliar).

Now, if I had to guess, Garnett has never had sex with Anthony’s wife. Maybe he has, and therefore is qualified to make such a statement, but this is probably just an example of what the kids call “trash talk”. However, some people believe that this sort of trash talk crosses a line, including Anthony, who waited for Garnett by the Celtics team bus so they could settle this like men. After all, you can take the millionaire professional athlete out of Brooklyn, but you can’t take the Brooklyn out of the corporate product spokesperson.

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I don't want to know what he's planning to do with that.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being the editor-in-chief of a sports comedy blog, it’s that dating a supermodel can be rough on your hair. Remember when Tom Brady hooked up with Gisele Bundchen and his hair started getting weird, and how even now he’ll show up to random charity events with spit-curl fauxhawks? Well, Shaun White is next.

As you may know from our constant groaning about it, Only Snowboarder Anybody Can Name Shaun White is dating supermodel Bar Refaeli. To prove my SUPERMODELS HATE WHATEVER HAIR YOU HAVE WHEN THEY MEET YOU theory, Bar orchestrated the shearing of Shaun’s signature “Flying Tomato” hair, instantly transforming him from DANGEROUS EXTREME SPORTS REBEL into … well, he kinda looks like Clay Aiken.

Check it out for yourself:

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Shaun White is a rock star. He’s 26-years old, a global snowboarding icon, gold medalist and worth millions upon millions of dollars. He’s even been known to trash a hotel room, an act which got him his first-ever shred of negative attention back in September, and people barely ever talked about it. Why didn’t anyone care? Because when you’re a young, long-haired “extreme” athlete, people expect you to be wasted, cause ruckus in a hotel, pull fire alarms and get punched while trying to escape. That’s the gosh-darned American celebrity way of life right there.

Oh, and the other reason nobody really talked about it? Because everyone was still so busy freaking out over the rumors from the 2012 Summer Olympics regarding White dating super duper model Bar Refaeli. Seriously, people were going nuts over that, like, “How the hell is that gorgeous super model dating that redheaded dude?” as if he was the real life version of Rocky Dennis. Gee, I sure do wonder why that gorgeous woman was attracted to the young, famous, wealthy, confident millionaire. Some mysteries were just meant to never be solved.

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Seriously, Shaun White. You’ve ruined the Little Mermaid for millions of perverts.

Now here’s the weekend’s best sports action, as I get ready to go prepare for the Orlando Magic opener in the only acceptable manner – drowning myself in bourbon.

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That's actually how I picture Dax Sheppard any time I hear his name.

The Teen Choice Awards took place last night in the fourth level of hell Los Angeles, and once again the big winners were the PR and marketing teams of Hollywood film and TV studios that busted their asses the hardest to make sure that people teenagers have never heard of inexplicably won awards. For instance, Zoe Saldana won Choice Movie Actress: Action for Colombiana, a film that .000000001% of teenagers actually saw. However, she won because she showed up, unlike Jennifer Lawrence, who would have won, because every teenage girl on Earth would have voted for her for The Hunger Games.

But that’s a different story for a different site. Instead, let’s pay tribute to those trendy teens and their sports heroes, as they once again voted to select the most relevant athletes of the day. The 2012 Teen Choice Award for Choice Male Athlete is David Beckham, while Choice Female Athlete is Serena Williams. Well, I am absolutely OUTRAG… actually, that’s not terrible. Beckham just re-upped with the reigning MLS Champions (I’d still have expected LeBron James to win), while Williams won both the singles and doubles titles at Wimbledon. So if teens indeed voted for them, I’m relieved. Of course, neither Beckham nor Williams showed up and Shaun White was the only actual athlete in attendance, but I guess it’s progress.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the future of this planet and our youth as a whole. Join me for a mini-rant after the jump, will you?

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Not counting the Pam Anderson sex tape, at least.

What you’re witnessing is either the first-ever 100.0 perfect score in the history of WXG Superpipe, or Shaun White reaching an X Games killscreen. Update: I can’t figure out whether or not his hair is worse than his pants, but White is basically as good at this as a person can be at something.

Even with a bum ankle, Shaun White still dominated the competition in Superpipe at the 2012 X Games, winning his fifth-straight gold medal in the event. White scored a 94.00 on his first run, wrapping up the gold before his third and final run of the night.

But on his final run, White didn’t just ride it out. Instead, he scored a perfect 100, finishing off the X Games in style. Not a bad way for the Superpipe champ to go out at this year’s event.

Also great about this video: The Cavs won!

Does anybody know where I can find a superpipe? I want to give this a try, and see what score the judges give me for sitting on the edge with a nervous look on my face for like twenty minutes before sliding down the ramp on my ass and breaking both of my legs.

[h/t Fark Sports]