Good morning. This is a drawing I made.

Hi! Danger Guerrero from Warming Glow here. It’s Brandon’s birthday, so Burnsy and I are running the show today. GET PUMPED UP STAY PUMPED UP. One important With Leather-related question before I get started: wtf is a CM Punk? Is it a music store? Like a Sam Goody that only sells Blink 182 CDs? I bet that’s it.

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Links

Lana Del Rey Was Impossibly Awful On SNL Last Night – I want to be nice here. I do. So instead of saying something mean like “Lana Del Rey’s performance was like a trainwreck where the train fell off a bridge and into the water and it later caused a shipwreck and everyone on the train and ship drowned and went to hell and a puppy saw it happen and cried,” I’ll just wish her better luck in the future. Keep your head up, kid. [UPROXX]

Tebowie Throws From Station To Station – Tim Tebow? Never heard of him. [With Leather]

Armond White Gets Asked About FilmDrunk – In which Armond White calls Vince “a little mole.” OO OO, DO ME NEXT! [Film Drunk]

Lollipop Chainsaw Has A Predictably Emo Villain, Cheerleader Upskirts – I thought really hard about clicking on this link to find out what in the holy hell “Lollipop Chainsaw” is, but I was pretty sure whatever it was would be a letdown. I mean, how could it not be? LOLLIPOP CHAINSAW. I think this is what they mean by “ignorance is bliss.” [Gamma Squad]

Best Guy Ever Alert – If I could grow facial hair like the guy in the picture at right, I would throw all my shaving supplies in the ocean. [@MichaelDavSmith]

Most Important Breaking News: Telemundo Still Awesome – If you only watch one video today where an attractive Telemundo weatherlady is the victim of a green screen prank so it looks like her head is attached to a dancing fat guy in a Speedo, make it this one, won’t you? [Warming Glow]

Kobe Bryant Unveils The #KobeSystem: Success For The Successful – The following things are true: 1) Kobe is a creep. 2) He almost definitely did badtimesex with that lady in Colorado. 3) This commercial is pretty cool. It’s what I would call “a low-level Michael Jackson situation.” [Smoking Section]

Drinking 3 Beers With No Hands In 37 Seconds – Cool. Now drink them with your hands at a normal pace like a goddamn adult. [Buzzfeed]

Victoria’s Secret’s ‘Angel Island’ Seems Like a Nice Place to Spend the Winter – Concur. [Brobible]

The 10 Least Successful Spin-Offs In TV History – I will never understand what Matt LeBlanc was thinking when he signed up for “Joey.” He was a multi-multi-millionaire by age 40 after “Friends.” I’d have been on Angel Island drinking boat drinks in the sun. Work is for the birds and poor people. [The FW]

Tila Tequila is converting to Judaism – Makes sense. She always struck me as someone who was really into the Old Testament. [FARK]

Five Ways “Star Trek” And Star Wars Are Better Than Each Other – I’m sure this particular link may appeal to many of you, and I wish you nothing but the best with your beakers and quadratic formulas and other assorted geekery. Please do not hack me. [Pajiba]

A Jawdropping Gallery of Fairytale Fantasies – What is this? Nerd day? I’m posting a Slayer song after the jump. [Unreality]

Read the rest of this entry »

And now I can be! This is the Seabreacher X watercraft, and if I was a 9-year-old boy dying of cancer, this is what I would be asking Derek Jeter to buy for me.

This exciting new version is based on the dolphi- inspired Seabreacher J, but it has a more aggressive Shark-style body. The X model also steps up the performance envelope with a 260hp supercharged engine, propelling the vessel to a top speed of 50mph on the surface and 25mph below.

If you’ve ever wanted to out-swim a cheetah, here’s your golden moment. The bad news is that it functions entirely on a diet of plankton and Richard Dreyfuss. Eh, whatever. He hasn’t really done anything since Mr. Holland’s Opus. Read the rest of this entry »

This has made a couple laps around the eBays, but we don’t do many fishing posts, so here you go. I don’t really get fishing, but it’s probably because my dad beat me as a child. The idea of going out into the sea and asserting dominance over animals that don’t even have lungs just seems a bit silly to me. You want to impress me? Get in the water with a knife and give that fish a fair fight. At least you don’t have to wear camo.

Anyway, these guys caught a baby shark, which is like a real shark, only it monopolizes all its mother’s time and makes Father Shark all grumpy and bitter because that’s time that he can’t beat her around. Dude is trying to pull the hook out of the shark’s mouth, and since we’re posting this, obviously something magical happens. And I don’t get the catch and release thing, either. Is our ecosystem gonna run out of sharks?

The fun starts after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

From Dirty Tackle comes the tale of a shark and his little woobie, and though the central character is a mighty fish, this is very much a human story. This is Free Willy, as told by the mascot of the Colombian side Junior Tiburon. It’s a tale of frustration and despair, of teething, and then, finally, of love. It’s so beautiful. Yeah, so it’s not so much about Willy’s liberation as it is a descriptor of his sexual inhibitions, of which he apparently has none. What would his mother think? Probably something like, “Eh, who cares. He’s a shark.”

John Morgan, a 51-year-old surf shop owner… said he was about 330 yards from shore and paddling out when the 10-foot shark swelled up from underneath him Sunday afternoon.

“It freaked me out,” Morgan said. “It bumped my leg rope and next thing it tangled itself in the leg rope and started charging out to sea with me in tow. To say it was like being towed by a jet ski might be an exaggeration, but it was really fast,” he added.

Morgan said he clung to the board until the shark suddenly freed itself and disappeared.

Yeah, I know.  That story sucks.  Sorry.  But hey, up top is the badass video of great whites eating seals in slow-motion from Discovery’s “Planet Earth.”  Get high and watch that, then this story will be way better.   You’ll be all, “Dude, I wanna hitch a ride on a shark, man.  A shark!  Holy crap that would be wild.”  At least, that’s what I’ve been told people talk like when they’re high. I disapprove of illegal drug use. Unless I’m giving cocaine to strippers.

This guy was just lying on top of his surfboard — not even in the water, really — when CHOMP, oh hey, there's a fucking shark attached to my thigh.  The shark was "only" eight feet and gave up when the surfer fought back, and his thigh still looks like raw hamburger.

I'll say it again: FUCK surfing.  I know it's fun to ride waves and hang ten and sound like an idiot when you talk, but my thighs aren't gonna be hors d'oeuvres at the big shark party in the sea.  I get chewed up by mosquitoes any time I come within 300 yards of standing water, I don't wanna think what sharks would do for a taste of me.  This is Grade A, tasty-ass blood getting pumped by my wicked black heart, and I'll be damned before someone gets to taste it.  Unless you're a really sexy vampire.  Then we'll talk.

[Yardbarker]