Sports

Billy Hunter Says Kiss the 2011-2012 NBA Season Goodbye - To paraphrase one of our commenters, as a Dallas Mavericks fan I’m happy the team gets to be champions into perpetuity. We should agree to send all of our good NBA players to China in exchange for them erasing our national debt. The math works out. [Smoking Section]

Magic Regrets His Early Retirement - I’m starting to think Magic Johnson never had HIV, and he just said he did as a public service announcement because everything in the early 90s was about HIV. He probably doesn’t know how to ride a skateboard, either. [Yardbarker]

The Animated GIF Guide to MMA Failure, Part 2 - Gifs are the new peep show machine. You drop a penny in and get to see a guy punch another guy for a few seconds, then move on to the Fortune Teller. In this analogy, “football” is the Fortune Teller. [Cage Potato]

Competitive Facial Hair Growing - Finally, a sport I’d be worse at than basketball. I guess Austin, Texas, is the world’s biggest competitive facial hair growing pick-up league. [SI via Hot Clicks]

With Leather

The Attractive Female Celebrity’s Guide To Drafting Fantasy Running Backs - I’m not knocking Burnsy’s system, but I think I’d rather draft an Alison Brie than a Mila Kunis or an Elisha Cuthbert. Besides, an Elisha Cuthbert would get killed by the Carolina Panthers. [With Leather]

The Dugout: A-Rod’s Violent Gambling Parties - For those of you complaining about a lack of closure on the Pete Rose joke, I had a big long thing where he saves his game in Armadillo and then realizes he’s low on health and has no ammo or money, so he can’t recover and has to start all over. That took up like three times the length of the Dugout just to get to a “you saved your game and have to live with the consequences” gag. I did you a favor! [The Dugout]

Bubba Smith, 1945-2011: A Video Tribute - We believe you guys, so we wont dispute you. But if you’re lying to us, we’ll come back and shoot you. Word. [With Leather]

How To Get Body Dysmorphia: Attend The Crossfit Games - Don’t forget to flip through Matt Ufford’s photo essay one more time today, so you feel like sh** about yourself all weekend. Still reminding myself about how brains are more important than muscles well into adulthood. Didn’t think I’d have to keep doing that. [With Leather]

Not Sports

10 TV Characters Who Should Die For The Good Of The Show - I wish “Scrubs” was on, so my contribution to this list could be “everyone who has ever appeared on Scrubs, both on television and in real life”. That clears out Zach Braff, fake Becky from “Roseanne” AND the plastic-faced version of Drew Carey’s ex-girlfriend. And Brendan Fraser! [Warming Glow]

The Four Most Ridiculous Sci-Fi Sexpisodes: When Aliens Force Our Heroes to Do It - “Sexpisodes”. When a character gets raped on a TV show, does it happen in a Rape-isode? I’m going to start saying all those HBO shows feature Buttf**kisodes. [Gamma Squad]

The Best of the Internet’s Lovefest with Shark Week, Obviously - I think sharks are pretty cool too, I guess, but jeez. Shark Week was pretty cool back when Kelly Clarkson was the American Idol. Yes, I am a snarky Shark Week Hipster. [UPROXX]

The Top 10 Highest Grossing Films Of Summer (So Far) - (1) The Smurfs, (2) The Snorks, (3) Goober and the Ghost Chasers (with the voice talents of Ricky Gervais and Lil Bow Wow), (4) Speed Buggy (gritty reimagining, stars Jason Statham), (5) Wacky Races (stars Ludacris, is extremely preachy, might win Best Picture), (6) Scooby-Doo Rises (Shaggy has leather and chain-mail bodysuit). [Film Drunk]

Sports

John Wall Claims Another Set of Ankles - Watch the world’s worst pitcher playing a sport he’s good at. Whenever I read headlines like this I think of Fallout 3, and picture John Wall murdering somebody with The Terrible Shotgun before searching them and taking their ankles. I, uh, am probably running the wrong blog. [Smoking Section]

Your Favorite Wrestlers: Brandon Stroud - The Wrestling Blog’s TH posted his 25 favorite wrestlers ever, so I had to contribute my esoteric, elitist top 5. Click through for a guy dressed as a zoo animal, a skinny fat guy with a platinum mullet from 25 years ago and VADER. [The Wrestling Blog]

Sports Cards For Insane People: Fleer’s ‘Emotion’ Set, The Gas Station Cologne Of Baseball Cards - I’m pretty sad remembering things like this. Fleer’s ‘Emotion’ is like the polybagged, gatefold cover of the 90s baseball card world. Disclaimer: Don’t listen to anything Bois says about Cal Ripken, he’s a Braves fan and thinks that “class” stuff about literally every pitcher or utility infielder they’ve ever had. [SBN]

Just Your Basic Amateur MMA Fight Breaking Out at a Russian Dolphin Pool - I could only think of two things while watching this: “be careful, you’re going to hurt a dolphin” and “why don’t you stand slightly farther away from the pool”. It’s weird to see a fight video with zero fat people present. [Film Drunk]

With Leather

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 8/1 - You can tell these are starting to get popular because the casual crowd is coming around, and I’m starting to get comments from casual readers who skim. Pretty soon the comments are just going to be disconnected recaps from people who didn’t read at all and Internet PR chumps shilling their websites. [With Leather]

The NBA Is Totally Screwed - Man, I’m glad nothing like this could ever happen in baseball. [With Leather]

Kate Upton Is Now My PCs Wallpaper - She’s the one thing I know for sure won’t give me a virus. If you needed incentive to click this in, people have started pointing out nipple slips in the video. And at one point the cow turns to the camera and says “eh, it’s a livin’!” [With Leather]

Craig Counsell Is the Worst - For some reason, the Brewers brought in 58-year old Counsell to pinch run in the 11th inning. His box score reads 0-0, which is philosophically an improvement. [With Leather]

Not Sports

17 Fascinating Facts About Jack Kirby, King of Comics - Here’s the only fact you need to know: Jack Kirby’s job was to create giant monsters with rectangle faces and make them monologue to entire teams of guys with names like “Starfinder”. He is the coolest guy in our national history, and you should love him as much as anyone else. [Gamma Squad]

Shark Week: The Drinking Game - I hope this involves that razor commercial where guys try to shave without cutting themselves in a shark cage. I guess for that you can just drink whenever you think “who cares what razor I’d choose, why am I shaving in a shark cage”, which is constantly. [Warming Glow]

Meme Watch: Sad Hipster Is Sad - As a vegan, I’m pretty happy “hipster” is replacing “hippie” as the catch-all word for people we don’t know but want to insult. And just like hippie girls, hipster girls are awesome. [UPROXX]

Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi, and Julianne Moore to Reunite for this Year’s Lebowski Fest - I wish this kind of thing happened more often. I want to go to a convention center where the cast of The Wizard is waiting to take pictures with me. I want to read the headline “Cook, Dawson, Reid Reunite For Josie And The Pussycats Fest”. [FARK]