Welcome to another installment of Wild Card Wednesday, as I try to cram together all of the awesome, random things that we’ve been missing out on in favor of the big stories and half-naked Marisa Miller…

At some point on Sunday, Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub hurt his foot and now it looks like his season is over. I’m sure that the Texans won’t completely give up on Schaub until a doctor does something cool and drastic like slam his glasses down and yell, “Damn it, I’m not God!” In the meantime, the second coming of Matt Leinart is upon us, and somewhere there’s a Jacuzzi not being boned in.

Last night, Houston tight end James Casey Tweeted the above image of a local Hooters showing support for the new QB. Unfortunately, after calling the Hooters, I learned that they ran out of space and it should have read: “Hey Leinart, we believe you gave us all gonorrhea.” OK, I may have made that up. But would you bet against it?

I’ve got my fingers crossed for you, Texans fans. God knows this would be my response to losing Schaub…

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Links

Shaq Talks About The Moment The Lakers Dynasty Died - Stupid Deadspin, always getting the exclusives. The only review copy of a book I ever got was a hardcover about Derek Jeter, and I can’t really make a news post with “Derek Jeter is great and everyone thinks so” blurbs. [Smoking Section]

4 Science Fiction Series Netflix Should Bring Back - I don’t really care about ‘Reaper’, but bringing back the other three would be great, especially Justice League. That show was secretly the best thing on TV for like three years. [Gamma Squad]

Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels: Behind One of WWE’s Greatest Rivalries - The Masked Man reviews the latest WWE DVD and makes 100% fewer “we’re gonna get hungry and leave no man untested” jokes than I would’ve. Don’t ever let me write for Grantland. [Grantland]

Our Favorite TV-Related Halloween Costumes from Walking Around NYC - I wish I’d thought to do this for Austin, but I wouldn’t be able to stomach all the “hipster” comments. I saw one guy dressed as “think outside the box” and he was just wearing a box, no lie. [Warming Glow]

Someone Shouted “Where’s Bumblebee Now?” While Shia Was Getting Beat Up - It would’ve been better if Shia himself had yelled BUMBLEBEEEAHHHH while getting beaten up, but I’ll take it. What a Disturbia-ing situation! [Film Drunk]

Bill Murray Fan Art: A Sneak Preview Of Gallery1988′s ‘Please Post Bills’ Exhibit - If anybody deserves fan art, it’s him. [UPROXX]

The Last Words of 25 Geniuses - I hope my last words are “I’ll get you next time, Gadget” and possibly “yeaaarghhhh”. [Buzzfeed]

Heck Yeah, CHIKARA! - My new favorite independent wrestling Tumblr, pending at least two more Archibald Peck gifs per week. [Tumblr]

Plugin Allows You To “De-Kardashian” Your Browser - Great, there go our pageviews! [The FW]

Top 10 Lil Wayne Songs - I like the one where he mumbles and it sounds like he wrote it in 20 seconds before the music started. You see a lot of crooks and the crooks still crook! [PopCrush]

5 Easy Ways to Fix ’2 Broke Girls’ - “Take off Kat Dennings’ shirt” had better be on here somewhere. [AOL TV]

Six Influential Dead Guys I’d Like to Have Dinner With - My list would include Buck O’Neil and Jesus, just to see how Buck reacts, and to see which one I like more. [Unreality]

God’s Eye View: The Supercut - Now somebody do a Dog’s Eye View Supercut where it’s clips from every Dog’s Eye View video. [High Definite]

Shaquille O’Neal should be able to get any job in the world. Like, if he wanted to be a barista at Starbucks, he could write “had successful 19-year NBA career, starred in movies and TV shows, had video game and multiple action figures, is happy gigantic millionaire” at the top of an application and be instantly awarded a position as manager. In fact, all he really needs to write is “Is Shaq”.

That’s what makes Shaq’s personnel file from his secondary career as a reserve officer on the Miami Beach police form, featured today on the Miami New Times Blog, so confusing and enjoyable. The New Times embedded the file on their site, and while a lot is missing (such as Shaq’s substance abuse history and the neighbors who gave him a bad reference), Shaq’s request to “work special crimes unit” is there, and holy sh*t is that just the beginning.

The report reads equal parts “adorable” and “concerning”. Examples of “adorable” include:

- Asked about “special skills” or “equipment”, Shaq simply wrote: “Laptop computer, binnochulars [sic], master of surveillance”

- Shaq got deep when interviewed for the job. Asked about the best memory of his life, he responded: “All dreams have come true.”

- The worst? “Messing up so much that he thought parents didn’t love him.”

And the awesome, subtle Kobe diss:

- He listed the Los Angeles Lakers as a previous employer from 1996 to 2004. Job title: “NBA center”. Description of duties: “Everything”

But as cute as that all is (binnochulars, omg), Shaq decides to just openly lie about most things, like owning a car and completely forgetting that lady who claimed he choked her at Disney World.

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Heartbreaking tale of love and loss featuring two of America’s favorite senior citizens.

Shaquille O’Neal is going to have the best retirement. He’s completing a Filmmaking Conservatory at the New York Film Academy (at Universal Studios), he’s going to end up professionally wrestling somebody at somebody’s Wrestlemania and he’s filming Tim And Eric-style comedy vignettes about wanting to marry Betty White. In the video above, Shaq hangs with the legendary lady of comedy by making Jim Halpert face at the camera while she tries to act and be funny. That’s what’s so great about Shaq, he’s got rap albums and video games and movies and television shows and none of them are any GOOD, but he’s got the all, and he’s going to keep making more. Look at that face.

Maybe this is is the video they were talking about when TMZ said Shaq had a sex tape and was being blackmailed. It doesn’t go any farther than this, you understand, because Rose’s husband Charlie died while they were making love and she’s been having trouble showing intimacy in the bedroom ever since. When the sex tape ends it’s followed by two episodes of “Shop ’till You Drop”

The logistics of Shaq marrying and assumedly consummating said marriage are the stuff of Snickers nightmares, but should they ever get together I would like to provide my best Golden Girls-themed advice, courtesy of the late, great Dorothy Zbornak.

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Try not to make the same face Shaq is making when you read this next sentence: Seven gang members allegedly kidnapped, beat up and robbed a record industry scout who claimed to have security cam footage of Shaquille O’Neal having sex with women other than his wife. Well, okay. LAPD detectives interviewed Shaq to determine what, if any, involvement he had in the alleged crimes, and while Shaq wasn’t listed as a suspect the case file went to the District Attorney, it is pretty awesome to imagine Shaquille O’Neal at the head of a gang roundtable in some hotel ballroom, chewing out some random Crip for taking notes during a motherf**king criminal conspiracy.

The assault victim/blackmailer is Robert Ross, famous for “delivering Ray J” to Shaq and being “cut out of the deal”. Isn’t that just like life? You find out Brandy’s little brother is a sort-of poor man’s Usher, and the rapping basketball star won’t give you money for it? Wait, I’m sorry, that’s f**king nobody’s life.

More, courtesy of TMZ:

Ross told cops after his falling out, he threatened Shaq by telling him about the sex tape, threatening to release it unless Shaq paid up.

As for the tape, Ross claims Shaq brought women to Ross’ home and had sex with them while he was married to Shaunie. Ross told Shaq a “security camera” captured the action and it was all on tape. But Ross told cops the security camera recycles periodically and the video no longer exists.

And there’s another twist. Around the time Shaq and Ross had their falling out, Shaunie separated from Shaq and Ross claims he began having an affair with her. Ross claims Shaq hired a private investigator to tail Shaunie and the P.I. caught the two together.

So a guy gets his ass beaten for making threats he couldn’t back up to Shaq (if the security camera “recycles periodically” how long could you have had the Shaq sex tape, guy, was it an afternoon), then comes up with newer, different reasons why Shaq should still do what he says. Good job, Robert Ross. Next time you hit up a Pink Dot, make sure it isn’t full of Crips in Shaq jerseys.

Picture unrelated, but it makes me laugh so much.

On this week’s episode of pissed off former professional athletes, Los Angeles Lakers legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has been a busy man lately, what with promoting his documentary, On the Shoulders of Giants, which is about the Harlem Rens and their trials and tribulations as one of, if not the, first all-black basketball teams. Rumor has it Jason Williams‘ grandfather played for them.

But Kareem has also been a wee bit upset with the Lakers because Magic Johnson has a statue outside of the Staples Center and he doesn’t. Kareem, who won 5 NBA titles with the Lakers, believes that he did as much as, if not more, than Magic in creating the modern Lakers legacy. Unfortunately for Kareem, who is also the NBA’s all-time leading scorer and 6-time MVP, the Lakers have other issues to attend to, such as retiring Shaquille O’Neal’s number before he’s even a Hall-of-Famer.

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