Shaquille O’Neal should be able to get any job in the world. Like, if he wanted to be a barista at Starbucks, he could write “had successful 19-year NBA career, starred in movies and TV shows, had video game and multiple action figures, is happy gigantic millionaire” at the top of an application and be instantly awarded a position as manager. In fact, all he really needs to write is “Is Shaq”.

That’s what makes Shaq’s personnel file from his secondary career as a reserve officer on the Miami Beach police form, featured today on the Miami New Times Blog, so confusing and enjoyable. The New Times embedded the file on their site, and while a lot is missing (such as Shaq’s substance abuse history and the neighbors who gave him a bad reference), Shaq’s request to “work special crimes unit” is there, and holy sh*t is that just the beginning.

The report reads equal parts “adorable” and “concerning”. Examples of “adorable” include:

- Asked about “special skills” or “equipment”, Shaq simply wrote: “Laptop computer, binnochulars [sic], master of surveillance”

- Shaq got deep when interviewed for the job. Asked about the best memory of his life, he responded: “All dreams have come true.”

- The worst? “Messing up so much that he thought parents didn’t love him.”

And the awesome, subtle Kobe diss:

- He listed the Los Angeles Lakers as a previous employer from 1996 to 2004. Job title: “NBA center”. Description of duties: “Everything”

But as cute as that all is (binnochulars, omg), Shaq decides to just openly lie about most things, like owning a car and completely forgetting that lady who claimed he choked her at Disney World.

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Heartbreaking tale of love and loss featuring two of America’s favorite senior citizens.

Shaquille O’Neal is going to have the best retirement. He’s completing a Filmmaking Conservatory at the New York Film Academy (at Universal Studios), he’s going to end up professionally wrestling somebody at somebody’s Wrestlemania and he’s filming Tim And Eric-style comedy vignettes about wanting to marry Betty White. In the video above, Shaq hangs with the legendary lady of comedy by making Jim Halpert face at the camera while she tries to act and be funny. That’s what’s so great about Shaq, he’s got rap albums and video games and movies and television shows and none of them are any GOOD, but he’s got the all, and he’s going to keep making more. Look at that face.

Maybe this is is the video they were talking about when TMZ said Shaq had a sex tape and was being blackmailed. It doesn’t go any farther than this, you understand, because Rose’s husband Charlie died while they were making love and she’s been having trouble showing intimacy in the bedroom ever since. When the sex tape ends it’s followed by two episodes of “Shop ’till You Drop”

The logistics of Shaq marrying and assumedly consummating said marriage are the stuff of Snickers nightmares, but should they ever get together I would like to provide my best Golden Girls-themed advice, courtesy of the late, great Dorothy Zbornak.

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Shaquille O’Neal romanticized the image of a shattered backboard. It’s the ultimate assertion of dominance, you’d say to yourself as you dunked on an 8-foot rim or ripped a Nerf hoop off the inside of your door. Well, Shaq sort of exists outside the realm of human possibility, because when Oregon State sophomore guard Roberto Nelson ripped down the backboard he carried it to the floor on his face.

The mayhem starts at about the 2:10 mark in the video — playing in an organized game in Skopje, Macedonia, for a service-based traveling college basketball team called “Beavers Without Borders”, Nelson goes up for a dunk and shatters the sh** out of the goal, shredding his face and getting 20 stitches, all while trying to figure out how to say “I’m sorry” in Macedonian. Firstly, telling people who got those scars shattering a backboard in Macedonia is pretty awesome. Secondly, I think the paintings of Georgia O’Keeffe are Beavers Without Borders.

On a serious note, Beavers Without Borders are in Skopje is to do construction work for local families in need, and that’s a cool cause. And it gives you a great, lay-up joke about Roberto Nelson’s deconstruction skills.

[h/t Off the Bench]

Try not to make the same face Shaq is making when you read this next sentence: Seven gang members allegedly kidnapped, beat up and robbed a record industry scout who claimed to have security cam footage of Shaquille O’Neal having sex with women other than his wife. Well, okay. LAPD detectives interviewed Shaq to determine what, if any, involvement he had in the alleged crimes, and while Shaq wasn’t listed as a suspect the case file went to the District Attorney, it is pretty awesome to imagine Shaquille O’Neal at the head of a gang roundtable in some hotel ballroom, chewing out some random Crip for taking notes during a motherf**king criminal conspiracy.

The assault victim/blackmailer is Robert Ross, famous for “delivering Ray J” to Shaq and being “cut out of the deal”. Isn’t that just like life? You find out Brandy’s little brother is a sort-of poor man’s Usher, and the rapping basketball star won’t give you money for it? Wait, I’m sorry, that’s f**king nobody’s life.

More, courtesy of TMZ:

Ross told cops after his falling out, he threatened Shaq by telling him about the sex tape, threatening to release it unless Shaq paid up.

As for the tape, Ross claims Shaq brought women to Ross’ home and had sex with them while he was married to Shaunie. Ross told Shaq a “security camera” captured the action and it was all on tape. But Ross told cops the security camera recycles periodically and the video no longer exists.

And there’s another twist. Around the time Shaq and Ross had their falling out, Shaunie separated from Shaq and Ross claims he began having an affair with her. Ross claims Shaq hired a private investigator to tail Shaunie and the P.I. caught the two together.

So a guy gets his ass beaten for making threats he couldn’t back up to Shaq (if the security camera “recycles periodically” how long could you have had the Shaq sex tape, guy, was it an afternoon), then comes up with newer, different reasons why Shaq should still do what he says. Good job, Robert Ross. Next time you hit up a Pink Dot, make sure it isn’t full of Crips in Shaq jerseys.

Fun fact: If you ask the average sports fan who he thinks will win the Stanley Cup, he will answer “LeBron James.”

Sports

Canucks Try to Explain 8-1 Game 3 Embarrassment - Canucks player Carlos Zambrano added “we stinks.” There are a lot of great parallels between the NHL and NBA finals, such as the Heat/Bruins being unstoppable and Dirk/the Canucks refusing to do anything but set those terrible picks over and over. [Puck Daddy]

Tim Thomas Toe-Pick Followed By Some Redemption - This is the easiest way to humanize a player, by watching him mess up and fall on his ass, then absolutely truck somebody. Hockey is pretty cool, and more people on the Internet should watch it. [Yardbarker]

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Middle school is officially over: Shaquille O’Neal is retiring.

In a very Shaq kind of way, the former Most Valuable Player and four-time NBA Champion (and magical genie) announced his retirement via a Twitter post linking to a video (which you can watch here) that cuts out after about 10 seconds to reveal Shaq singing the backing vocals for the “When Doves Cry” breakdown. That’s really the best way for Shaq to go, isn’t it?

Of course, announcing something like this on Twitter means that almost anyone who’d be reading a site like this as news already knows, so these HEY GUYS SHAQ JUST SAID HE’S RETIRING posts are mostly for a reflection on the man’s career, and the borderline psychopathic undertones it carried for almost 20 years. In his career, Shaq:

1. Released multiple rap albums despite nobody wanting him to
2. Winning a Razzie for Worst Actor by putting on a suit of armor in a Superman spinoff
3. Had a test of strength-ish showdown with The Big Show on WWE Raw
4. Had his own Sega Genesis game about how great he was at karate
5. Got spanked by Tracy Morgan on Saturday Night Live
6. Boxed Oscar de la Hoya for absolutely no reason

…and that doesn’t begin to touch his accomplishments on the court, including 15 all-star selections, rookie of the year, three Finals MVP awards and a couple of Olympic Gold medals. How do you tribute this guy? He has a colossal Superman bed and he’s almost 40 years old. He’s a living tribute to himself, isn’t he?

We’ll miss you, Shaq, whether we liked you or not. Because we all kind of liked you.