Speculation has been running rampant on sites where “Lindsay Lohan has gross teeth” is news for weeks, and it’s about to become official: Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian are divorcing. If you just screamed “GET OUT” and shoved your computer with both hands, you are awesome.

From The Scoop:

TMZ is reporting that Kim K is expected to file for divorce Monday from her husband, and she’ll cite the cause as “irreconcilable differences,” and list the day of separation as Oct. 31, 2011. Also, Ryan Seacrest offered up a tweet confirming the news, saying Kardashian is filing for divorce.

The trouble-in-paradise rumor mill has been churning overtime on this one, and the couple’s decision to spend Halloween apart seemed to be a final nail in the coffin.

I’m pretty mad about the Halloween thing myself, as Kim was dressed as the Batman & Robin version of Poison Ivy but Kris as the COOL PAHTY Arnold Schwarzenegger variant of Mr. Freeze was nowhere to be found.

I think we should look back on the two-ish months of Kardashian-Humphries-Kardashian wedded bliss and consider our lessons learned. The first lesson is that no matter how reprehensible these people seem, no matter how little they deserve to be famous, they are real, living people who deserve the same respect and privacy as you and me. Lesson two is that the E! Network is faker than pro wrestling, and that everyone on it more human than Lou the Chihuahua should be followed around by the “YOU’RE A BIG FAT PHONY” character from ‘Family Guy’ at all times. Lesson three, Kim Kardashian earned $17.9 million to marry a guy, turn it into a series of cable television specials and divorce him 72 days later but it is gay men and women in love who are ruining the sanctity of marriage. Lesson four, the NBA Lockout has gone on long enough for one of its players to get married and divorced. Lesson five, Kim and Reggie Bush are this century’s Romeo and Juliet, except they end up together and everyone around them dies.

Next season on ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’, Kim gets introduced to Tim Tebow and the sparks fly.

After New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries married Kim Kardashian in a wedding that netted them approximately $17 million in endorsements, it surprised very few people that Kardashian’s mother, Kris Jenners, also signed on to be Humphries’ manager. Additionally, Humphries signed with Kardashian’s agent at William Morris, and everything looked great for the guy who has averaged a triple single for his career.

Shockingly, only two months to the day after his wedding, Humphries has been dropped by the talent agency, thus sparking a slew of rumors that his fairy tale marriage is already crumbling. So it turns out that we may have a 6 billion way tie in our divorce pool with “Not even 3 months.”

“He’s breaking Kim’s heart,” a source tells Star. “Originally he was supposed to come to New York for a guys’ weekend, but at the last minute he switched it to Miami. I guess he thought that way they could drink and do whatever they wanted without Kim finding out.”

The magazine goes on to claim that Kris partied at LIV nightclub at Miami’s Fontainebleau Hotel on Sept. 30 and Kris was “acting like a single man.”

(Via Hollywood Life)

He was scratching his ass and farting in public? The horror.

I know, I said I wouldn’t torment everyone with more news about this fake marriage unless it involved a golden wood chipper from heaven, but it’s a slow day. So how about I make it up to you with the cutest picture you’ll see all day?

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People Magazine paid Kim Kardashian $1.5 million for the exclusive rights to publish her wedding photos in its latest issue, and I say that they only paid Kim because she’s the only person on the cover of this issue. Forget about that guy she married – New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries – because this isn’t about him. He’s just the dude who put the ring on her airbrushed finger.

But aside from the obvious, that this is just the first indication that Humphries is just along for a reality career that has been planned out slightly better than Paris Hilton’s, maybe there’s a perfectly good reason that only Kim, who is famous because she let Brandy’s brother mount her like a Shetland pony, appears on the cover of People’s wedding issue.

“It’s all about the bride. We wanted her. It’s her day, we wanted her on the cover,” said Garcia.

“He’s got a little height on her,” added Garcia of the New Jersey Nets forward. “It’s kind of tough to get them in the [same] shot.” (Via The Hollywood Reporter, which also points out that Arsenio Hall is still alive)

Translated: “We’re just saving some time and effort for her next wedding cover shoot.”

Whatever, it’s not like this is the first time that Kim has been on the cover of People without Kris…

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The other day we discussed the wonder of marriage and how Los Angeles Lakers forward and Twizzlers fanatic Lamar Odom and his famous-because-her-sister-made-an-amateur-porn-with-Brandy’s-talentless-brother wife Khloe Kardashian were still crazier than ever for each other as they celebrated their first anniversary. Well get ready to feel your heart burst, because the truly sincere husband and wife have renewed their vows. I know, I think I felt some joy pee squirt out, too.

The whole ceremony was part of an elaborate and cunning ruse by Odom, who had Khloe’s friends pick her up – not literally, LOL – and blindfold her, not telling her where they were taking her and what for on her anniversary. Even the camera man from her scripted reality TV show kept the secret, I’m sure. And if all of that doesn’t scream romance enough, Khloe’s sisters, Kim and Khlewbacca, were in attendance, as was close friend of the family… Snooki. It really was like heaven on Earth.

Tell us that it was beautiful and magical so we can pretend like anyone but lonely women give a bean burrito fart about this stuff, USA Today:

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