Not her, the other one.

If you’ve been upset at how infrequent our coverage of Kris Humphries’ gross sex life had become following his tryst with the Star Mitzvah version of Kim Kardashian, never fear … TMZ.com is here with a report about a lady who claims Humphries had sex with her without a condom and gave her herpes.

Now I’m sure your brain is going KIM KARDASHIAN HERPES KIM KARDASHIAN HERPES, but please, hold all Twitter and Celebrity Roast jokes until the end of the blockquote.

Kayla Goldberg claims she met Kris in August, 2010 at the Newsroom Cafe on Robertson Blvd. in L.A. They flirted, exchanged numbers, and she claims that night they met up at Trousdale nightclub on the Sunset Strip.

According to the suit, Kris came on to Kayla, touching, kissing and dancing with her. Kayla claims he took her to his hotel and they had sex multiple times … including oral sex. The suit claims during a portion of the sexual encounter Kris did not wear a condom.

The lawsuit claims Kris did not inform Kayla he had herpes — and she claims in the suit that he did indeed have the disease.

Kayla says a week later she was diagnosed with herpes. Her symptoms included a sore throat, fever, body aches and immobilizing pain, as well as extreme vaginal irritation and painful legions on her genitalia.

You’ve got to wonder how many vaginal-desecration lawsuits and unwanted pregnancy scares Kris has to have before he just makes a trip to Walgreens like a regular person.

Of course, much in the same way that we shouldn’t automatically assume this is false, we shouldn’t automatically assume this is true. 2012 Kris Humprhies is probably the easiest celebrity ever to hit with a lawsuit, and anyone could say “HE STOOD NEAR ME AND GAVE ME A RASH” with about a 50% chance of it really being his fault. We’ll continue to wish Kris the best in his future endeavors, hope that he’ll drop the 15 bucks on a pack of condoms and try harder to sleep with women who don’t have a video camera, tape recorder and bag of cotton swabs beside the bed.

[TMZ-ese translated into actual English by Larry Brown Sports]

With the 2012 Summer Olympics a week away, we’re incredibly thankful to have something so important to take our minds off of the St. Louis Cardinals sucking the annual summer lull. While the biggest Olympics news so far has been the opening of the world’s largest McDonald’s at London’s Olympic Park and the company’s subsequent monopoly on French fries, we finally got some juicy details from the athletes’ village earlier this week when U.S. Women’s Soccer goalie Hope Solo revealed that errbody is getting freaky in London.

I pray to everything sacred that my precious Alex Morgan is behaving herself.

‘There’s a lot of sex going on at the Olympics.

‘I’ve seen people having sex out in the open, getting down and dirty on grass between buildings.’

She added: ‘I may have snuck a celebrity into my Beijing room without anybody knowing and snuck him back out. But that’s my Olympic secret.’ (Via the Daily Mail)

It’s not really a secret, because she revealed that she was hanging out with Vince Vaughn and some other celebrities and they all went back to the U.S. dorms (or whatever they’re called over there, flats maybe) despite the oh-so-serious rules and curfews that the athletes must obey – wank, wank. But since the entire world knows that all of these teenage and 20-something athletes are going to party, the fine people at Durex have sent over 150,000 condoms to be dispersed amongst the 10,000+ athletes.

That’s roughly 15 condoms per athlete for 17 days of action. That means that some of those female athletes are coming home +1, if you know what I mean. I mean they’ll be pregnant. Especially if they’re American teenagers.

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Forget that I’m a Miami Dolphins fan and have a genetic predisposition to hating the New York Jets. Forget that I think that Kim Kardashian is the scourge of this Earth and the first horseman of the pop culture apocalypse. When “news” leaks of Mark Sanchez and Kardashian “secretly dating”, though, it’s like my perfect storm arrived and it’s raining orgasmic smiles.

The website Starberry Ice Cream, which I had never heard of until a friend sent me an email with the subject “Prepare to scream with joy” this morning, claims to have inside sources that know that Sanchez and Kardashian are having a sexual affair. This is important for one reason and one reason only: Sanchez was previously rumored to be dating Kate Upton and if he’s sleeping with Kardashian then he is cheating on Upton, and if that’s true… death penalty.

“Kim and Mark like to meet in hotels for dinner dates and “flings”, says the source. “Whenever Kim is in New York, they hang out. They are very careful with not being seen together, Mark is seeing someone!”

The source also tells us that Kim and Mark are planning a rendezvous this super bowl weekend.

“Kim’s just in it for the sex”, says an insider close to Kardashian. “She has her hopes set on a bigger “star” than Sanchez. But for now, he will do.”

I want this to be true. I NEED this to be true. Sanchez and Kardashian would make the world’s most perfect couple. They’re both famous for no reason. They’re overrated in every way imaginable and they should both be contestants on my new game show “I’m a Celebrity?” that features people throwing pee balloons at fame whores.

Seriously, I can’t think of a more perfect couple. OJ Simpson and Tonya Harding? Maybe. But Sanchez and Kardashian? That’s the kind of pairing you can set a watch to. *winds timer to 15 minutes*

There’s a pretty strong chance that you have no clue who Zahia Dehar is, unless you’re a huge fan of French soccer. But to fill you in and make all of you kids hip to the scene, Dehar is a 19-year old fashion designer who debuted her brand new lingerie line to rave reviews yesterday during Couture Fashion Week at the Palais Brongniart in Paris. Her achievement is remarkable in itself because of her age and the fact that she has only been modeling for the past year or so, but it’s most remarkable because of her first career as an underage prostitute.

So where does the French soccer correlation come in? In 2010, Dehar admitted to French officials that she had been paid for sex on multiple occasions by at least three prominent French soccer players. As the scandal became national news, it was revealed that the three players were Franck Ribéry, Karim Benzema and Sidney Govou. French officials swore that any players involved with Dehar and this huge prostitution ring would be ineligible to play for the French National Team. Fortunately, Ribéry wasn’t investigated until after the 2010 FIFA World Cup, so he was able to play. Only after the tournament was he indicted for soliciting an underage prostitute.

Ribéry’s career since the indictment has been riddled with injuries, as he never quite developed into his one-time status as France’s next big star. But Dehar is doing just fine, and since I feel like we don’t ever have enough fashion on this site, I thought we’d take a little look at what she’s been up to this week.

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By all accounts, 2011 was a fantastic year for David Beckham. Granted, it doesn’t take much for Beckham to have a great year, other than just waking up and collecting whatever random amount of money is being thrown at him and his wife, Ginger Scary Sporty Baby Posh Victoria, that day. But last year he was fortunate enough to get the albatross off his back in helping the L.A. Galaxy win the MLS Cup, and unless I missed someone throwing a pot of boiling water at his face, he’s still David-f*cking-Beckham.

Momentum already seems to be carrying over into 2012 for Becks as well, because word is he’s already being heavily considered to be the captain of Great Britain’s soccer team at the Olympics in London, and he’s returning to the Galaxy for two more seasons, as some people assume he’ll eventually make a push to buy the team. But before any of that happens, he has one tiny little thing that he wants to take care of – he really wants to sue In Touch Weekly and prostitute Irma Nici for claiming that he slept with her 5 times to the tune of $10,000 a pop in 2007.

The problem is a judge already said he can’t.

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"GET SHREDDED, BRO!"

If you had 6 days in the “How Long Until People Will Start Complaining About Something Stupid?” pool, then pat yourself on the back, because you win. Unfortunately, I can’t give you a prize, because all my money is tied up in my new gym membership at Equinox, where “It’s not fitness, it’s life.” And it’s Equinox that is causing a stir with its latest ad campaign that features attractive models doing things that wealthy people do. Why, I’ve never heard of something so outrageous!

According to ABC News, the complaint du jour, by actual Equinox members, is that the models are too skinny and don’t represent the healthy lifestyle that a gym should promote. It makes me so angry that I don’t even want to finish bench-pressing my butler.

Equinox members peppered the company’s Facebook site this week with criticiam, saying the models looked “anorexic.”

“Why did all of the models have a runway physique?” one member wrote. “Equinox is promoting health and fitness, so I would like to see some healthy and fit women on their ad campaigns who look like they could actually survive a typical Equinox class. Can we maybe see a little bit of muscle on the ladies next time around? The Nike ads are great examples of strong, fit women!” another member wrote.

An Equinox membership costs approximately $135-183 a month, not to mention the $400 “initiation fee”, which I assume includes an elephant walk at a private country club and running across the Aventura Mall while carrying a diamond between my butt cheeks. Needless to say, it’s an upscale fitness club.

So the fact that people are bitching because the ads – check them out after the jump – for their fancy pants gym – that specifically claims it’s not about fitness – are coming across too fancy pants is pretty damn ridiculous. But that’s why I stick to a simple, timeless workout routine.

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