Seems like quite the prophetic photoshop now.

Cristiano Ronaldo is a world class athlete who is immensely wealthy and considered to be one of the most attractive men on the planet by women everywhere. So it’s no shocker that the Real Madrid superstar has once again found himself at the center of the tabloid gossip universe, this time amid rumors that he cheated on his girlfriend of three years, supermodel Irina Shayk.

At the center of this controversy, though, is an old friend of ours – Miss Bum Bum Brasil 2012 runner-up Andressa Urach. The same runner-up who spent the week after last year’s pageant on a boat, hooking up with the winner, Carine Felizardo. And now Urach claims that Ronaldo is “obsessed” with that runner-up butt, enough that they recently had sex in a hotel on the night before Real Madrid’s 4-1 UEFA Champions League semifinals loss to Borussia Dortmund.

But Ronaldo denies that it ever happened, according to a super serious Twitter statement.

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Today, redemption is spelled P-A-I-G-E B-L-A-C-K, T-H-E F-O-R… sorry, I’m still stuck on Anchorman news. Paige Black is the former star of CMT’s “Sweet Home Alabama” – on which she was wooed by this hunk – but she was much more notably NASCAR’s Miss Sprint Cup who became momentarily famous in 2011 when her ex-boyfriend allegedly leaked nude pics of her online, because I’m told that there are some people who appreciate that kind of thing. Duke claimed at the time that she took the pictures six years earlier when she was a student at Clemson, and that they were meant to be a special, romantic thing between two young lovers.

The problem with that is college guys are a-holes and they’ll sell those pics the moment a girl breaks it off and especially if she becomes famous. I’m certainly not saying it’s right, it’s just a reality. But don’t worry about Duke, because two years later she has landed on her feet and she’s back in the good graces of NASCAR fans as the new Darlington Raceway “Lady in Black”.

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With hundreds of thousands of college students recovering, enjoying or maybe still planning their Spring Break adventures for this year, word is beginning to surface that there may be a darker underbelly to this great American tradition that I have been honoring all week. According to the cool kids who play their loud rap music at the malt shops, there’s a chance that young men and women are “hooking up” and “getting their freak on” whilst taking a break from Academia, and it appears that the culprit behind all of this nincompoopery is Victoria’s Secret and its new “Bright Young Things” line.

While I refuse to believe that a company as splendid as VS, which has brought us shining examples of humanity in Adriana Lima, Doutzen Kroes, Candice Swanepoel and many, many others, would knowingly encourage young women to behave in illicit manners, there are some parents out there who believe otherwise. And parents know everything and have never, ever done anything wrong. Am I right, kids?

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David Haye is a 32-year old British boxer famous for a number of professional achievements, among them the WBA Heavyweight Championship and a 3rd place finish on I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!. Haye is still teasing boxing fans with the possibility of upcoming fights ever since he came out of retirement. The one fight that people apparently want to see is Haye vs. Vitali Klitschko, and Haye says he has been waiting for it ever since he defeated Dereck Chisora.

I hope Vitali Klitschko sticks to his word and he tries to knock me out, because he said he can knock me out. He said fight Dereck Chisora and he fights the winner, and I not only beat Dereck Chisora, I knocked him out in good style. Maybe I knocked him out too good. Maybe if I’d struggled on points I’d have gotten the fight. But the way I dispatched of him, maybe he thinks I’m a little bit too good for him now. (Via Bad Left Hook)

But while these guys figure out if they’re going to fight or not, Haye has a little something else on his mind. Specifically, he is now worried that videos of his ring girl “selection process” are going to surface, as he used to hand pick the females for his fights in order to avoid “mingers” or a “female who fell out of the ugly tree at birth and hit every branch on the way down” according to Urban Dictionary.

Haye recently said that his interview process was simply to make sure that the best-looking girls were chosen, but he wouldn’t reveal any specifics. Fortunately, you can’t hide sh*t on the Internet.

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That’s it, folks. Shut down the news for the rest of the year. We’ve got the most incredible, most scandalous news that is going to rock the very foundation of journalism itself this morning – despite the fact that it has already been reported elsewhere. However, when we pick a story up, things happen. Outrage grows. Fists are shaken in rage. So first, Leatherheads, the backdrop for this intense scandal…

Last Friday, 15 women vied for the title of 2012 Miss Bum Bum Brasil, which if you remember from earlier this year, is the world’s foremost competitive pageant for determining which Brazilian woman has the nicest backside. Of the women in this year’s contest, 25-year old Carine Felizardo (middle above) was declared the winner. Andressa Urach finished in second, while Camila Vernaglia took home 3rd place. In our book, though, they’re all champions.

As for her new title, Felizardo was incredibly humble and grateful for this supreme posterior honor.

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Mike Tyson has told the story about the time he caught his then-wife Robin Givens with then-nobody actor Brad Pitt before. The story originally involved Tyson showing up to Givens’ house right after she’d served him with divorce papers, and he wanted a little nookie for the time being. Unfortunately, she wasn’t home, and as he was leaving, Givens pulled up to her house with Pitt and everyone was like, “Awkward!” I also assume that Pitt peed a little.

But now, as Tyson explained in a recent interview with Yahoo!’s Graham Bensinger, the event went down just a tad bit differently than he originally told it. It turns out, according to Tyson, that he actually caught Givens and Pitt in the act of what the romantics call – doing it.

“I was getting a divorce. I was going to my lawyer’s office to divorce her that day but I wanted to sneak in a quickie. This particular day, someone beat me to the punch. I guess Brad got there earlier than I did. I was mad as hell. You should’ve saw his face when he saw me.”

I like to think Pitt’s face looked a little like this…

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