Forget that I’m a Miami Dolphins fan and have a genetic predisposition to hating the New York Jets. Forget that I think that Kim Kardashian is the scourge of this Earth and the first horseman of the pop culture apocalypse. When “news” leaks of Mark Sanchez and Kardashian “secretly dating”, though, it’s like my perfect storm arrived and it’s raining orgasmic smiles.

The website Starberry Ice Cream, which I had never heard of until a friend sent me an email with the subject “Prepare to scream with joy” this morning, claims to have inside sources that know that Sanchez and Kardashian are having a sexual affair. This is important for one reason and one reason only: Sanchez was previously rumored to be dating Kate Upton and if he’s sleeping with Kardashian then he is cheating on Upton, and if that’s true… death penalty.

“Kim and Mark like to meet in hotels for dinner dates and “flings”, says the source. “Whenever Kim is in New York, they hang out. They are very careful with not being seen together, Mark is seeing someone!”

The source also tells us that Kim and Mark are planning a rendezvous this super bowl weekend.

“Kim’s just in it for the sex”, says an insider close to Kardashian. “She has her hopes set on a bigger “star” than Sanchez. But for now, he will do.”

I want this to be true. I NEED this to be true. Sanchez and Kardashian would make the world’s most perfect couple. They’re both famous for no reason. They’re overrated in every way imaginable and they should both be contestants on my new game show “I’m a Celebrity?” that features people throwing pee balloons at fame whores.

Seriously, I can’t think of a more perfect couple. OJ Simpson and Tonya Harding? Maybe. But Sanchez and Kardashian? That’s the kind of pairing you can set a watch to. *winds timer to 15 minutes*

There’s a pretty strong chance that you have no clue who Zahia Dehar is, unless you’re a huge fan of French soccer. But to fill you in and make all of you kids hip to the scene, Dehar is a 19-year old fashion designer who debuted her brand new lingerie line to rave reviews yesterday during Couture Fashion Week at the Palais Brongniart in Paris. Her achievement is remarkable in itself because of her age and the fact that she has only been modeling for the past year or so, but it’s most remarkable because of her first career as an underage prostitute.

So where does the French soccer correlation come in? In 2010, Dehar admitted to French officials that she had been paid for sex on multiple occasions by at least three prominent French soccer players. As the scandal became national news, it was revealed that the three players were Franck Ribéry, Karim Benzema and Sidney Govou. French officials swore that any players involved with Dehar and this huge prostitution ring would be ineligible to play for the French National Team. Fortunately, Ribéry wasn’t investigated until after the 2010 FIFA World Cup, so he was able to play. Only after the tournament was he indicted for soliciting an underage prostitute.

Ribéry’s career since the indictment has been riddled with injuries, as he never quite developed into his one-time status as France’s next big star. But Dehar is doing just fine, and since I feel like we don’t ever have enough fashion on this site, I thought we’d take a little look at what she’s been up to this week.

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By all accounts, 2011 was a fantastic year for David Beckham. Granted, it doesn’t take much for Beckham to have a great year, other than just waking up and collecting whatever random amount of money is being thrown at him and his wife, Ginger Scary Sporty Baby Posh Victoria, that day. But last year he was fortunate enough to get the albatross off his back in helping the L.A. Galaxy win the MLS Cup, and unless I missed someone throwing a pot of boiling water at his face, he’s still David-f*cking-Beckham.

Momentum already seems to be carrying over into 2012 for Becks as well, because word is he’s already being heavily considered to be the captain of Great Britain’s soccer team at the Olympics in London, and he’s returning to the Galaxy for two more seasons, as some people assume he’ll eventually make a push to buy the team. But before any of that happens, he has one tiny little thing that he wants to take care of – he really wants to sue In Touch Weekly and prostitute Irma Nici for claiming that he slept with her 5 times to the tune of $10,000 a pop in 2007.

The problem is a judge already said he can’t.

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"GET SHREDDED, BRO!"

If you had 6 days in the “How Long Until People Will Start Complaining About Something Stupid?” pool, then pat yourself on the back, because you win. Unfortunately, I can’t give you a prize, because all my money is tied up in my new gym membership at Equinox, where “It’s not fitness, it’s life.” And it’s Equinox that is causing a stir with its latest ad campaign that features attractive models doing things that wealthy people do. Why, I’ve never heard of something so outrageous!

According to ABC News, the complaint du jour, by actual Equinox members, is that the models are too skinny and don’t represent the healthy lifestyle that a gym should promote. It makes me so angry that I don’t even want to finish bench-pressing my butler.

Equinox members peppered the company’s Facebook site this week with criticiam, saying the models looked “anorexic.”

“Why did all of the models have a runway physique?” one member wrote. “Equinox is promoting health and fitness, so I would like to see some healthy and fit women on their ad campaigns who look like they could actually survive a typical Equinox class. Can we maybe see a little bit of muscle on the ladies next time around? The Nike ads are great examples of strong, fit women!” another member wrote.

An Equinox membership costs approximately $135-183 a month, not to mention the $400 “initiation fee”, which I assume includes an elephant walk at a private country club and running across the Aventura Mall while carrying a diamond between my butt cheeks. Needless to say, it’s an upscale fitness club.

So the fact that people are bitching because the ads – check them out after the jump – for their fancy pants gym – that specifically claims it’s not about fitness – are coming across too fancy pants is pretty damn ridiculous. But that’s why I stick to a simple, timeless workout routine.

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It’s hard to believe that the recent story about the one-time sexual congress between former NBA star Glen Rice and attention-starved former-semi-governor Sarah Palin could get any better than it already is. Thankfully, the guys at Gridlock on KWWN ESPN Radio 1100 thought to ask the sports world’s foremost expert on hardcore interracial sex, Mike Tyson, what he thinks about the greatest love affair of our generation.

“Glen Rice is a wonderful man. He’s a wonderful guy,” Tyson said, “But you want her to be with somebody like [Dennis] Rodman getting up in there. Pushing her guts up in the back of her head!

“Glen Rice is a nice, mellow, docile man, non-threatening black guy — you want someone like Rodman — yeah baby! Imagine Palin with a big old black stallion ripping — yeehaw!”

(Via Larry Brown Sports, where you can hear the full interview)

If you’re not at least smiling right now, well, you’re not human. You want more? Here comes the crazy train.

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When the mail arrives today, the folks at Yahoo! Sports are probably going to have some nice thank you notes on Ohio State and USC letterheads, because Charles Robinson’s mind-blowing investigation of the University of Miami could possibly go down as the biggest college football scandal in history. Even Southern Methodist alums are probably high-fiving this morning.

Former booster Nevin Shapiro spilled the Cuban black beans on nearly a decade of improprieties that include Hurricanes players and coaches (football and basketball) being paid, lavish house and yacht parties, prostitutes, jewelry, and even bounties for players to cause injuries to opposing athletes like Tim Tebow. Shapiro, in more than 100 hours of taped confessions, even claims to have paid for a stripper’s abortion. Throw in his admittance that his own sports agency, Axcess Sports & Entertainment, was funneling money to college players in exchange for their agreement to sign with them, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a scandal.

But don’t worry, Miami’s officials are taking this all very seriously.

“When Shapiro made his allegations nearly a year ago, he and his attorneys refused to provide any facts to the university,” [Miami associate AD for communications Chris] Freet said. “We notified the NCAA enforcement officials of these allegations. We are fully cooperating with the NCAA and are conducting a joint investigation. We take these matters very seriously.” (Yahoo!)

You bet your darn patootie they take this seriously. They’re likely going to hang a sign around Shapiro’s neck, labeling him a Ponzi scheme-running scoundrel, but that’s not going to alter the public perception of “The U.” What should happen? If the claims are true – and apparently there are 20,000 pages of financial documentation that suggest validity – then it’s the death penalty, even though that doesn’t exist anymore. What will happen? Nobody really knows, but we can guess that it will start with a few years of red-tape-laden legal battles, with the majority of former Miami players, coaches (some of which are now at Alabama and Florida, among other schools), and administrative officials calling Shapiro names, notably a big ol’ poopy pants liar.

Either way, we’ll be entertained. Miami fans won’t, but there are only a few hundred actual Miami Hurricanes fans on this planet, so the convenient fans will just find a new team. Have fun with that, Florida Gators. After the jump, check out the juicier quotes from Robinson’s incredible article.

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